"Now I sit alone, now I sit alone, in pain.
wishing you were here. you had so much going on.
well I never had a chance, never had the chance, to tell you.
your friendship was better than anything else.
the ones that we need are the ones that we're losing.
why doesn't this make sense at all?
oh I hope you're listening."
This can be said for a lot of different people and situations.
Tonight I saw The Sleeping played at School of Rock and they killed it.
On my way to the show I thought about what I usually think about 99.9% of the time on the drive to and from the venue:
"I wish Chris would get back from his winter vacation so we could hang out again."
Except, I know he's not on winter vacation...it only just feels that way.
Come the 13th he will have be passed on for nine months.
I guess to ease the pain I try to think of it as though he's just on a trip and we're all awaiting his return.
We all know and understand the truth, even if we still save a seat for him at our favorite hangout and occasionally make a toast in his name.
I wonder if he ever realized that he was our stress relief. He'd laugh off the problems and did his best to fix everything.
I think we needed him more than he realized.
Nine months later, here we are.
Still very much broken and bruised, but we're doing our best to hold each other together.
We make new routines and traditions so that we can laugh and continue on without dwelling and breaking down.
All we really have is each other, and I think for the most part, that we try to make the best of it.
Because, we still have the chance to make something good and real out of our life.
So, I've spoken about my fears about this day for over a year now and now a week ago, it happened.
My Nonna passed away last Wednesday morning.
I initially didn't know how to react. My mom had kicked opened my door at 6:00AM to tell me. I could hear her crying her eyes out to various friends as she was trying to notify people.
I guess it wasn't until I walked into my grandparents house a few hours later that it fully hit me.
I entered a house where my mom and her 5 other siblings, their spouses, my grandfather and my sister were all in tears and that's when I fully grasped the extent of the situation.
I had never seen my uncles cry before. Even the most serious ones were broken down with red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.
Seeing so many people chocked up, I think I nearly lost my mind at that point.
I guess that's how we'd all prefer to go, right? Pass away peacefully in our sleep in our early 80s leaving behind a life of a husband, six kids, 10 grandchildren, three home, and a big circle of friends...
She led a full life, but somehow I just never imagined that it would actually end.
Have you ever seen the movie "Big Fish"? It's the story of an adventurous man who raised his son on these magical stories about his life that may or may not have been true and in his swan song, all those characters that you knew and loved growing up actually appear in some form.
I guess that's how I would describe my Nonna's Funeral.
All of my mom's best friends, my closest friends, all of our extended family, and all the family friends that I knew and loved growing up appeared to pay their respects.
People from around the world arrived bringing flower arrangements that extended from where she laid to the very entrance of the funeral parlor.
Her funeral procession was led by a cavalcade of 10 police officers that held a line of at least 30 vehicles.
Her repass consisted of nearly 200 people.
I realized that this was an occasion that all who attended, wouldn't forget. All of these people made this collective effort because they truly loved her.
I heard so many wonderful things said about my Nonna, I guess I never realized how many people she affected.
My Nonna was a loving and compassionate woman. Of course she had her faults, but her general overall attitude and approach to life really meant a lot to a large number of people.
The entire situation made me realize that I could probably make some changes in my life and use her life story to better myself.
I think one day we all hope to have some sort of impact. She had hers and it's never too late for ours.
I hope she's sharing the laughter and happiness wherever she is
xcaseyx (12:42:01 AM): this band might be better then Kings Of Leon xcaseyx (12:42:01 AM): http://www.myspace.com/wearephoenix Me: (12:49:40 AM): sounds so good xcaseyx (12:49:51 AM): it's amazing xcaseyx (12:50:07 AM): it was Chris's favorite band i think
Chris never mentioned this band to me before he died but he was definitely on to something. If only he was around to see their success, he'd probably think it was really cool for a minute and then grumble that it's over played on that car commercial. ha.
I can't help but want to get my hands on everything this band has released. It's one of the few ways I can hold Chris close, without him actually being here.
I stumbled upon THIS threadfrom 2003 where members, even back then, made the same argument that today's members make about the boards "not being what they used to".
Like college this community is what you make of it. Sure there are some shitty things you can't avoid like spam threads, threads from extreme n00bs or even repetitive threads. However there tend to be some really funny and some pretty interesting threads that stir up some good discussion and in rare cases, a general member consensus.
Of course it's a bummer when cool posters stop coming around and interesting people get banned or just leave on their own free will. What's even more interesting is that many original posters from 2002-2006 still come around in small doses and yet no one seems to notice. I guess few ever leave for good, they just don't come back in the same fashion, given the ever changing presence of the board.
Anyway, the best part of said thread is this quote:
things'll probably pick up come 2004... new bands, new albums, new tours, etc... we can at least hope, cant we?
It's like opening a time capsule. Not only was 2004 an enjoyable year for music but so was 2005 and 2006. Sadly, most people feel as though that's where it ended. It's interesting to see that suggestion because things did get better. What's unfortunate is that we're back in that same place, wondering what's happened to this place and this "scene". Maybe 2010 things will get better? We can at least hope, can't we?
Right now I pretty much have Promise of Redemption and Valencia playing when I get bring myself to listen to anything. Yes it seems cliche of me, but both albums touch on the pain, grieving, and life after loosing a loved one. This is exactly what I need right now.
This particular song, Live in Love, is about a specific person, but I feel as though a lot of it can be applied to what is currently going on around me:
Also, thank you to everyone who has reached out to me.
It's a struggle to keep it together but your words kind of ease the pain a little bit.
Thank you for thinking of me.
I really don't know how to start an entry like this without breaking into a million pieces.
Chris Brightman was a very dear friend of mine and was a member of this community.
The last anyone had heard from Chris was from his Twitter early Wednesday morning how he wasn't sure how he would get home from the bar. He was supposed to work a show at the School of Rock that Wednesday night and when I had arrived at the venue, I was told that he had been missing the entire day. The last anyone had seen of him was at a pizza place not far from the bar...still unsure about getting home.
You never think the worst. You assume that perhaps his phone is dead and he stayed with a friend or perhaps he just went someone for the day to be alone since he had done this in the past.
At 1:30PM on Thursday afternoon I was informed that Chris had died leaving the bar early Wednesday morning.
It's been a year since I felt my world shatter from a phone call. What do you do when a person that you talk to every single day and spend time with at least every other week no longer exists? How do you possibly try and rationalize it?
What I can say is that people from coast to coast knew Chris.
Perhaps you attended a show at The School of Rock, The Knitting Factory, Mexicali Blues, Highline Ballroom, or any show in the NJ/NYC area that he worked or attended. Maybe he helped your band load/unload from a venue or worked the lights for a show you played. Maybe you were a fan of Halifax or just the ExcessDB company and were a part of the street teams that he was in charge of.
If you didn't join in one of his threads here on absolutepunk, you might have been friends with him on twitter -- laughing at his updates.
Or possibly you were in the late night AP chats that he briefly took part in on stickam.
The last time I saw him was at Bamboozle trying to promote the band he was just starting to manage called, The Talk About. That Saturday night after the festival, he came to our hotel room to hang with me and several AP members to drink. He didn't care that he didn't know anyone, he just wanted to hangout and have fun. The last time I spoke to him was the day he died, when he IMed me while I was at work.
I don't understand why this happened. Why people leave this place so early before their time is up. I try to rationalize his actions--try to figure out why things played out the way they did and how I could have helped. Trying to come up with a conclusion just hurts more.
I don't know why these things happen. All I know is that they have the ability to destroy a person's heart and spirit. The best you can do is surround yourself with people who are going through the same emotions--the people who cared and loved Chris just the same.
I won't be able to hug him, laugh with him, dance, eat or drink with, talk to or lean on him ever again. Chris took care of his friends. Most people who met him adored him for his ability to make them laugh and just be a cool, laid back guy. The only things I have left are pictures and videos that people took. I will hold on as long as I can to the memories in my mind and heart.
There's a benefit show that is in the works to help raise money for his funeral costs. I'll post more information when I can. So far, the show will probably happen at The School of Rock.
That's all for now. I'm just trying to get through the rest of the week without falling apart.
I'll miss you buddy. I hope we can dance in our dreams.
After an hour drive, I was finally home. I hopped out of the car and the smell of Spring hit me immediately. I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear.
I'm one for warm, sunny weather all the freaking time so living in a state with all four seasons can be somewhat of a bummer. One of the few things that can cheer me up is rain during warm weather. It's absolutely wonderful on all accounts.
I stepped into my house and everything smelled like Spring/Summer. I ran up to my room and opened the door because that's the closest I'll get to being outside for the rest the night. I sometimes wish I had a more private front porch or at least a cleaned up back porch so I could enjoy the weather for another hour or so. But alas, the only place where that's possible was the place that I just drove an hour away from.
So instead, I'll spend my night by an open window enjoying the nostalgia that comes from Sugar Ray. They have always been a Summer band to me:
The current trend right now on Facebook is to make a "25 Random Facts About Me" list and tag a bunch of your friends. I feel that due to recent events aka strange threads/comments made about me, I should make my own list about the 25 Random AP-Related facts about me.
Here we go:
1. I found AP while trying to get news for a radio show I did in College. Haven't been able to stay away since.
2. Heartcore came from when I loved the clothing company and when I used to hang out with all the hardcore boys from my college radio station. They thought it was hilarious and still call me that. I just started to apply it to everything.
3. I'm pretty sure I racked up most of my posts in The Work Thread and Music Chat Thread.
Dressing room dude placing my clothes in my selected dressing room. Bends over. Full shot of his ass hanging out of his pants. Super.
Angels and Kings
Dude talking to a group of friends. Hand goes in his pants to scratch his ass while talking to people. I wait for a hot girl to walk over so he can use those hands to hug her and she'd never know.
Martin Johnson of BLG stretching languidly as he waits for his coat at coat check. Leans in to the CC guy and asks how much he makes in a night. Before the guy answers, Martin slaps at least $40 in his hand and walks out high and mighty.
Rohan, WFUJERSEYJON, & Martin Johnson all sporting brown flannel/plaid. Handsome.
"Ya know that guy...totally Paul Blart-Mall Cop" - WillieK