Forget your problems
Lay it down, they start up
The innocence of what you are is what I want
I've ran my colors dripped down and drained out
Tried a million things, but my heart's been shot
Well I hope you try to find me, I'm all spun and pacing
I know what you want to say here, so say it
Forget the words speaking
Just want to rearrange so I'll just say it
I really miss you, miss you, say
Smile at the chance just to see you again
I really miss you miss you say
Yeah Yeah Yeah - "Miss you" | Foster the People
"What if I was actually secretly a millionaire and I had houses all over the place and a yacht and you had no idea...and I haven't told you because I wanted to see if you really liked me for the right reasons and you weren't in it for the money." He asked playfully.
I swerved my chair back and forth in thought before replying, "...I think I'd be pretty pissed at you."
"What!" He explained not receiving the answer he was looking for. "Why??"
"Well because...given the amount of time we spend apart because of money...why would you make me suffer like that?"
"Ohhhh, you think you're the ONLY one who suffers?" He questioned, not at all amused.
I fell silent and shifted anxiously in my seat.
He continued with a mixture of frustration and confidence, "Because I wish I could wake up next to you EVERY day."
I felt a smile twitch at the corner of my lips and whispered, "I want that too."
It was all I needed to hear. I could feel my heart swell and ache. I wished that he was more than a phone call away and just right in front of me because in the moment I would have wrapped my arms around him and not let go.
I'm down to blogging once a month. I guess it's true what they say...when things finally fall into place, you're less inspired to write. It's the heartbreak that keeps us spilling our guts.
Sometimes I think of things to blog and then the thoughts dissipate as quickly as the way they came in. I'll try and work on that. This blog was supposed to be more about the music than my personal life anyway.
As for a recap of what's been going on:
Bamboozle came and went and it was much better than last year. Saw The Movielife, Wiz Khalifa, Bruno Mars, and the TAYF TBS Lineup for the first time ever -- all had truly awesome moments and I remain a fan.
Watching my favorite album played in it's entirety by one of my favorite bands with some of my closest friends was surreal. It greatly hurt my heart that Adam Lazzara took the stage whilst sick and with little to no speaking/singing voice. Thankfully I was with people who sang every word loud enough to make it an enjoyable experience.
Extra Bonus Points: Spending last week with AbsolutePunk's favorite Aussie: KissTheBottle. It's been two years since we've hung out and this was under much better circumstances. I miss him already.
I plan on traveling in the next few months: 1 stop to Florida, Two stops in Georgia. Though I hate airplanes now more than ever, I'm excited. I like the feel of new places and food and the warm sun. I'm especially excited for summer.
As for shows, I saw Young The Giant in Brooklyn last month and was blown away. It was something that I almost backed out of last minute and I'm glad I didn't. What a perfect show that didn't even include an encore. I highly encourage you to check them out. I'm wondering if anything will top that this year.
Next wee I see Sleigh Bell for the first time since Free Fest last fall and I'm ready to dance my face off.
I guess in many ways life is still the same. I have endless bills and a list of materialistic items that I really want to buy. Family and friend struggles come and go.
Work is work....it has it's ups and downs. I just wish it would allow me to grow more. I'm three years older and I'm still doing the same work. I wish something would come along that would lead me to the next step. At least we still share some laughs, good food, and occasional adventures. So...there's that.
Nothing in life is perfect or certain, but sometimes you meet some who allows you to feel that that's possible down the line. I'm happy in that aspect. I waited a long time for something like this to come along...to be able to feel this way for someone and feel it back in return. Of course at times I'm deathly afraid that life is going to play a cruel joke and ruin it all, but for now, I'm happy.
I don't miss the heartache. Some of it got me to this place and I can't hold a grudge, but other instances I truly wasted my time and emotions for no reason. I refuse to go back to that place. I must forge forward.
Next blog will be more of my old style. I hope everyone is well or at least trying to get to a point of great achievement.
And there will come a time, youíll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
---- Mumford & Sons
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting close. If I'll soon walk into everything I've wanted and waited for.
I feel like I deserve this.
I'm not a saint by any means, but I feel like I've dealt with enough crap and heartache to actually deserve a silver lining for a change.
I guess we'll find out soon enough.
or I'll just have to wait longer.
I stumble through the sliding door. This night sucked.
I'm buzzed or drunk or something...very ready to pass out.
Straight ahead is the blue couch with a picture of the beach hanging above it--my bed for the night.
However, this bed seems more like a futon...and he's there.
I smile in the dark. Play it cool. Don't let him know you're drunk.
"Heyyyyy", I try to whisper as best as I could.
As poised as possible I attempt to get in the futon of love with him. Oh hey, nevermind the fact that I'm fully clothed.
He turns over, shirtless and skinny.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to climb over him to get to the side by the wall. I'm stumbling.
He turns and looks up at me with sleep eyes and moves so I can sit in my now claimed location.
"Hey hey hey" I whisper while trying to simultaneously hide my excitement and not pass out.
He turns to face me with one arm rested behind his head.
His hair is shaggy and dark.
"What are you doing", he whispers curiously with a hint of a Southern accent.
I'm glad he hasn't said anything about my clothes yet. I still can't believe I pulled this off and there's no way I'm changing now.
I shrug in hopes of acting cool and casual, meanwhile on the inside I feel like a giddy 16 year old on her first date.
"Nothing. It's whatever. I'm sorry I woke you up...........or not really because all you do is sleep all day" I say with a smile, both hands pressed under my face as it leans against the pillow.
"You're probably drunk" he teased knowingly.
My stomach is full of butterflies. I feel warm and fuzzy and still very sleepy.
I've wanted this scenario for a long time. I just want to touch him to make sure he's real.
"Thanks for moving over for me. I wish you had come out tonight", I sigh.
"Nah, I think it's for the best" He turns to look up at the ceiling, placing both hands behind his head.
I can't take this. He's so close that I can feel my skin just tingle at the thought of touching him.
How do I make this a smooth transition?
"Well, whatever. I think you're better than most of those people anyway." I turn onto my back and face the ceiling as well.
I can hear him let out a soft laugh. He wants to mock me.
"We should just makeout or something" I announce.
Cool. Really "smooth" transition.
"Whaaaat" he draws out curiously.
I'm smiling in the dark...a real big fucking, Cheshire cat grin.
"Come on, let's just get it over with", I slide my body closer to his, while still staring at the ceiling.
"Yea....I think you should just go to sleep" He replies--part teasing me, part brushing me off.
I don't care, I don't freaking care.
In one swift motion, I slide right into the nook of his body frame, kiss him on the cheek, and nuzzle into his neck.
"Hey, watch it", He warns...but after a moment he still puts his arm around me.
I move in for another nuzzle and then pretend to kiss him on the cheek again, but really just plant a sneak attack kiss right on his mouth. Sucker.
He resists for a second and I let out a soft laugh, still not stopping the kiss.
He moves onto his side and pulls me in close.
The coldness of his skin feels excellent against my seemingly 200 degree body temperature.
I stop for a moment and suggest we go somewhere "private".
We tiptoe to a small room that I don't remember being there before.
It's really just a bed with bookcases built into the walls surrounding it.
(Actually, it looks kind of just looks like a closet with a bed.)
We look at each other and I shrug.
We crawl onto the bed and move under the covers. This is the best part of my day and my entire night, I decide.
Suddenly, we hear voices and we stop.
Someone knocks on the door and opens it.
We scramble to pull the covers up.
"Hey, have you seen Jenny?" They ask. Who the hell is Jenny?
"Uh, no", I reply dumbfounded.
They barely close the door and shout to someone that we haven't seen Jenny.
I collapse back on the pillow and sigh.
I suggest we just go back to the futon, so then we steal the big comforter from the bed and move back to the scene of the crime.
As we get under the covers he makes a sarcastic comment about feeling ready to pass out. Uhhhhhhhhh yeah right!
I retort back with something that I think is witty, but most likely is just juvenile.
After some banter he sits up on the futon and moves to kiss me again.
His arms are wrapped around me so tight for someone so skinny.
I've been waiting for this for so long that I can't stop smiling.
Life is good.
A little while later a hear a blaring noise in my sleep.
And then I wake up in a startle, looking around the room.
There is no boy. There is no futon.
There's just me and this blue couch with a thin blanket.
That boy is actually miles away from me.
It's 6:30am and it's time for me to go to work.
I fall back against my pillow and bring the blanket over my head.
I was happy...really happy for once.
But only in my dreams.....
Without going in a long drawn out story about what I'm going through right now in terms of past/present/future relationships, I watched When Harry Met Sally tonight and this scene became so undeniably relevant, that I couldn't ignore it.
Sally: He just met her... She's supposed to be his transitional person, she's not supposed to be the ONE. All this time I thought he didn't want to get married. But, the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me. Harry: If you could take him back now, would you? Sally: No. But why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me? Harry: Nothing. Sally: I'm difficult. Harry: You're challenging.
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing. Young Allie: So what? Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
There's only one person in the world that I cried for at the airport, other than when my best friend moved away in 8th grade.
I feel this loneliness every time we separate. It's thick and empty and overwhelming.
We are so much alike that in causes strong frustration most of the time we're together.
This is one of the few times in my life, I feel like both characters in this scenario.
I know I'm the pain in the ass, I know he's not afraid to hurt my feelings.
And here I am, begging and pleading on the inside for decisions to be made.
I know what I want but there are so much red tape and conflicting factors.
It's heart-wrenching to know exactly what I want and have to watch it from a distance, knowing that when it comes down to it, feelings are mutual but nearly impossible to actually co-exist in the same vicinity.
So we fight and I cry.
Everything else around me is just a substitute or means of forgetting about what I really do want.
I'm not sure I'll ever get it.
Maybe I'm not supposed to....
So for now, there's just the emptiness.
About 6 months ago I was taken off guard by something.
Without going into the details that I've spilled so many times before, I'll say that I changed a long time friendship based on feelings that I had.
It ended poorly, both of us to blame in some sense...
I just never really got over the timing of it.
From that point on, I decided that it was time to focus on myself.
I pretty much was down to my last leg of trust in anyone, mainly any guy that I knew.
Not making it all about dating and hooking up took a lot of the pressure off.
Everyone was a disappointment in my eyes anyway.
I never had to worry about expectations, or saying the right things.
This was all a new found freedom--going out became about enjoy my friends around me, rather than the anxiety of scamming.
I could actually take up a hobby and focus on myself.
I watched some dating shows and learned about potential mistakes that I was making.
"If you're constantly falling into a "type" but still end up single, then you have to make a change if you ever want to be happy. Start thinking outside your comfort zone"
or there was something as simple as: "No sex without monogamy"
And then I guess I forgave some people or just looked past my suspicions
and I let some walls down for others.
I thought, maybe it's okay to trust and be honest with some.
It always feels good when feelings are mutual.
But maybe this wasn't exactly what I wanted.
I never wanted to break the rules that I had set for myself.
I guess there's just a point of no return and you have to roll with it.
I can't help but feel as though I wasn't really ready.
I guess I perhaps imagined it to end differently---i guess more along the lines of what was originally implied.
It just feels like the same mistake that I've made before.
Maybe I will never be taken seriously enough for it ever to really matter or be important.
All I know is that...I'm left wondering.
i wonder how this all made me look.
i wonder if this will be all there is.
i wonder if i even has some sort of self respect left intact.
and in between all of this i can't help but really wonder,
"Cross my heart and hope to
I'm lying just to keep you here
So reckless, so,
This song sometimes reminds me of you.
I wrote a part for us.
We've had some ups and downs...
Both were intense, to say the least.
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive you for some things that happened in the past.
Perhaps you feel the same way.
I don't know how it will end for us.
Maybe I never want it to...
(and I say that in the most platonic way possible.)
I guess that what I'm implying is that,
I consider you to be one of the only people that I feel that I can connect to.
No matter what our fights or flaws or misunderstandings are, you're one of the only people who makes me feel seen.
I feel as though, together we always have this mutual understanding.
Whatever happens, happens.
I was lucky to have your time at one point.
And I think, for me, perhaps it was enough.
Young and full of running
tell me where is that taking me
just a great figure eight
or a tiny infinite
love is really nothing
but a dream that keeps waking me
for all of my trying
we still end up dying
how can it be?
don't say a word
just come over and lie here with me
cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
there I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me.
I recently had a discussion with two of my friends about that one person that you'd burn the world down for.
It doesn't matter how long ago it was or who you're with now and how in love with this new person you are...
it's about the first person that ignited everything inside of you.
that seemed to be completely right for you, but in rational, real terms they're actually all wrong for you.
they made you feel a sense of love and passion that you never had felt before in your life.
but they also have wronged you.
the point is that they made you feel alive.
no matter how great of a "fake boyfriend" they seemingly appear to be
or how your fingers caught sparks upon contact
or how you had an unspeakable connection that made you feel like soulmates...
it's just not right.
we divulge our thoughts for hours upon hours with our friends and family and coworkers and strangers on the street
we write in journals, in blogs, in tweets, in anything that will help us make sense of the situation
we lock ourselves up so we can shut ourselves down
and yet, despite all of this, despite the fact that we were mislead, or cheated on, or given false hopes and promises,
we would do anything they asked of us if it meant that we would be together.
you have to ask yourself, "why am i making this person my priority when i'm only their option?"
why is it important that they like you or that you continue to like them?
perhaps what you liked about them doesn't actually exist anymore
maybe it never existed in the first place?
it's time to stop holding on to them
and start making it about you.
perhaps rather than burning the world down for someone else, you can learn to let it expand and flourish for yourself.
it's all right in front of you.
make your move.
So touch me or donít
Just let me know
Where youíve been
We could leave it alone,
Iím sure thereís someone who knows
Where youíve been
"I hope I don't run in to her tonight. She was the one that got away and now she's married and starting a family".
I hold the phone close and stare at the ceiling.
This wasn't the type of conversation that I was hoping to hear.
If it's not about this girl, it's about his ex that still goes on family outings with him.
Or it's about the girl right before me that he says he's over since she rejected him, but I know that if she made the call, he'd go back at the drop of a hat.
And yet, I'm still answering his calls.
I'm still entertaining some thought of this.
Can't really make something real though if the two parties involved aren't willing to compromise some of their social life.
I thought for a small fraction of time that I had control of this. I think he was able to convince me of it to a certain point.
And now that confidence is just fading by the day.
It's hard to give up when he's really the only person who consistently makes me laugh.
Some of the best weekends I experienced in the last few years were with him.
I know what I would like him to become...but I can't change him.
He has to figure things out for himself and learn to grow up a bit on his own.
I think he has the potential to be the perfect catch, but I don't think he's willing to make the changes to do so.
I personally want to stop feeling suspicious and jealous, and just feeling like total shit because I'm not the only one he thinks about, yet he's the only one on my mind.
Down the road, when it comes time for me to get back in the dating scene, I want to meet a guy who wants me and only me.
Who isn't caught up in his past relationships, and actually appreciates everything in front of him.
I don't want to have to compete anymore. I don't want to worry about a guy telling me things, only to be telling some other girl the same thing.
I want someone who will make me laugh and be caring. I want someone who's monogamous, that I can trust. I want him to be tall, with a nice smile. I want someone who is SANE and still good in bed. I want a lot of things.
Maybe that's the most selfish thing in the world, but I want to believe that there's someone out there who is just right for me.
Please tell me they're out there.
Until, then, I'll be on the other line.
Well, I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply.
'cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it.