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Take This To Your [Headphones]
My Milestone.
05/03/10 at 11:38 PM by Miss Heartcore
I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.

Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Well take me out tonight,

This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
I'm my own stone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.




If we're growing up, does this mean we have to give it all up?

I contemplate my life before he left
before she died
before he was killed
before friendship was lost
before this website
before college
before this scene took hold of me.It's a wonder how these things have shaped me, changed me, made me.

I recently caught a glimpse of my future...of exactly what I want out of life
and now everything seems pointless and mundane because I'm not where I want to be.

I tossed around the idea of leaving...Of a better job and a better location.
For the first time in my life I'm okay with leaving this bubble.
Most of what I felt was keeping me here has seemed to evolve and move on.
I guess I'm the only person that seems without direction.
I have a list of goals and it's just a matter of achieving them.
Some are obviously easier than others, but I can't help but think that me staying here is suffocating me.
It's hard to put in the effort when my mind is elsewhere.

In the meantime I watch my friends separate and grow on their own.
I'm happy for many of them.
I think about the ones that I cut off and the ones that left on their own free will.
Sometimes I miss them but I then realize that what I miss most likely doesn't exist anymore.
Perhaps it's for the best.

And then there's the whole romance and relationships aspect of life.
The one I care about, seems to be letting go...he can join the ranks of the rest of them.
The last three are all living with their girlfriends, sharing pets and possible banks accounts.
(I will lead you to your future love, if you took the chance, ha.)
I can't commit to another person, let alone my own life.
Everyone who comes along I immediately dissect and wonder what their damage is.
The only normal people are evidently strangers and it's not long before their charm wears away.
I have regrets, lots of them.
I am a cynic and a critic.
I am so bitter.
I can barely let go of the things that I know aren't right for me.
I am actually heartbroken.

I guess it's just a matter of finding direction and motivation.
Must remember to keep an open mind and a passionate heart.
For all the pain, there's a chance at redemption.
Here's to the future--to hoping for the best.


Well save my life tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink
I'm my own stone around my neck
Tags: Brand New, Life.
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Rebuilding
04/07/10 at 11:08 AM by Miss Heartcore
“So tell me, why do you want to join a gym?”, He asked, reviewing my information sheet.

“Well, to lose weight…”, I mumble.

“But why is it important to you? What are your goals?”

I fidgeted with my shoe trying to decide whether or not to give a standard reason or spill my entire life story over the past year to him.

Memories of what I’ve gone through swirl through my head.
---From fights, to friendships, to funerals, to apologies, to love, to goodbyes---


Suddenly I have the urge to cry.
I swallow my emotions.

“Well….because I went through a lot of shit in the last year. I’ve lost friends…people moved away…My entire social scene has been shaken. I have a lot of free time now so...might as well do something with my life.”

He nods and writes some things down. “…Any other reasons?”

I shrug and laugh to myself. “I guess I want to have a body that I can be proud of for once in my life. I’ve never felt that I’ve had that. Maybe if I had a better body I’d feel more confident. Maybe I can up the amount of guys I reject. It’d feel good”

He laughs a bit. I really wish he wasn’t writting ALL of this down.

He repeats everything back to me constantly, to reiterate my point. It’s even funnier when he says it.

His name is Brian. He looks like a typical North Jersey guido, but he’s actually Irish with a pleasant, professional disposition.
He has the nicest smile I’ve ever seen.
He plays off my sass and sarcasm with ease and retort—better than most.
A rare find.
I immediately feel comfortable around him.
I want to sit and tell him more about my life because I feel like he actually sees me.

“So who will be supporting you throughout your journey to get into shape? A husband? A boyfriend? Family?”

I smirk at the thought. My mind scans all the people currently in my life, but then I can’t help but think about those that died and those that left.

I have the urge to cry again. This sucks. No one cries at the gym, especially not during an assessment.

Finally, I shrug and say, “No one.”

“No one?!” He’s taken aback.

“Yea, no one. It’s no big deal, it’s just my life.”

He has no idea... me just going to the gym two days in a row confuses my mom. She’s no help and she’s the only person I see every day besides my co-workers.

We talk some more. He sets me up with a really good deal that will hopefully get me into actual shape within the next year.

I’m beginning to think that this will work out for me. I can better myself one step at time.

After the physical assessment, our conversation moves to every day stuff.

I finally blurt out, “You seriously have the nicest teeth and/or smile I’ve ever seen in my life”

He nods, “Thanks. They’re actually fake. All the real ones were knocked out when I played professional hockey.”

Perfect.

“Tell me more about this hockey lifestyle…”

I think I’m feeling okay tonight.

Definitely okay.



I am on the mend.
At least now I can say that I am trying.
And I hope you will forget things I still lack.
Tags: Friends, Death, Life, Personal, Brand New
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I'll be waiting for nothing.
03/25/10 at 11:17 PM by Miss Heartcore
So touch me or don’t
Just let me know
Where you’ve been

We could leave it alone,
I’m sure there’s someone who knows
Where you’ve been




"I hope I don't run in to her tonight. She was the one that got away and now she's married and starting a family".

I hold the phone close and stare at the ceiling.
This wasn't the type of conversation that I was hoping to hear.
If it's not about this girl, it's about his ex that still goes on family outings with him.
Or it's about the girl right before me that he says he's over since she rejected him, but I know that if she made the call, he'd go back at the drop of a hat.

And yet, I'm still answering his calls.
I'm still entertaining some thought of this.
Can't really make something real though if the two parties involved aren't willing to compromise some of their social life.

I thought for a small fraction of time that I had control of this. I think he was able to convince me of it to a certain point.
And now that confidence is just fading by the day.
It's hard to give up when he's really the only person who consistently makes me laugh.
Some of the best weekends I experienced in the last few years were with him.

I know what I would like him to become...but I can't change him.
He has to figure things out for himself and learn to grow up a bit on his own.
I think he has the potential to be the perfect catch, but I don't think he's willing to make the changes to do so.
I personally want to stop feeling suspicious and jealous, and just feeling like total shit because I'm not the only one he thinks about, yet he's the only one on my mind.


Down the road, when it comes time for me to get back in the dating scene, I want to meet a guy who wants me and only me.
Who isn't caught up in his past relationships, and actually appreciates everything in front of him.
I don't want to have to compete anymore. I don't want to worry about a guy telling me things, only to be telling some other girl the same thing.
I want someone who will make me laugh and be caring. I want someone who's monogamous, that I can trust. I want him to be tall, with a nice smile. I want someone who is SANE and still good in bed. I want a lot of things.
Maybe that's the most selfish thing in the world, but I want to believe that there's someone out there who is just right for me.



Please tell me they're out there.
Until, then, I'll be on the other line.



Well, I love you so much, but do me a favor baby, don't reply.
'cause I can dish it out, but I can't take it.
Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Life, Brand New
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Last Updated: 07/30/13 (308,383 Views)
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