I stumble through the sliding door. This night sucked.
I'm buzzed or drunk or something...very ready to pass out.
Straight ahead is the blue couch with a picture of the beach hanging above it--my bed for the night.
However, this bed seems more like a futon...and he's there.
I smile in the dark. Play it cool. Don't let him know you're drunk.
"Heyyyyy", I try to whisper as best as I could.
As poised as possible I attempt to get in the futon of love with him. Oh hey, nevermind the fact that I'm fully clothed.
He turns over, shirtless and skinny.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to climb over him to get to the side by the wall. I'm stumbling.
He turns and looks up at me with sleep eyes and moves so I can sit in my now claimed location.
"Hey hey hey" I whisper while trying to simultaneously hide my excitement and not pass out.
He turns to face me with one arm rested behind his head.
His hair is shaggy and dark.
"What are you doing", he whispers curiously with a hint of a Southern accent.
I'm glad he hasn't said anything about my clothes yet. I still can't believe I pulled this off and there's no way I'm changing now.
I shrug in hopes of acting cool and casual, meanwhile on the inside I feel like a giddy 16 year old on her first date.
"Nothing. It's whatever. I'm sorry I woke you up...........or not really because all you do is sleep all day" I say with a smile, both hands pressed under my face as it leans against the pillow.
"You're probably drunk" he teased knowingly.
My stomach is full of butterflies. I feel warm and fuzzy and still very sleepy.
I've wanted this scenario for a long time. I just want to touch him to make sure he's real.
"Thanks for moving over for me. I wish you had come out tonight", I sigh.
"Nah, I think it's for the best" He turns to look up at the ceiling, placing both hands behind his head.
I can't take this. He's so close that I can feel my skin just tingle at the thought of touching him.
How do I make this a smooth transition?
"Well, whatever. I think you're better than most of those people anyway." I turn onto my back and face the ceiling as well.
I can hear him let out a soft laugh. He wants to mock me.
"We should just makeout or something" I announce.
Cool. Really "smooth" transition.
"Whaaaat" he draws out curiously.
I'm smiling in the dark...a real big fucking, Cheshire cat grin.
"Come on, let's just get it over with", I slide my body closer to his, while still staring at the ceiling.
"Yea....I think you should just go to sleep" He replies--part teasing me, part brushing me off.
I don't care, I don't freaking care.
In one swift motion, I slide right into the nook of his body frame, kiss him on the cheek, and nuzzle into his neck.
"Hey, watch it", He warns...but after a moment he still puts his arm around me.
I move in for another nuzzle and then pretend to kiss him on the cheek again, but really just plant a sneak attack kiss right on his mouth. Sucker.
He resists for a second and I let out a soft laugh, still not stopping the kiss.
He moves onto his side and pulls me in close.
The coldness of his skin feels excellent against my seemingly 200 degree body temperature.
I stop for a moment and suggest we go somewhere "private".
We tiptoe to a small room that I don't remember being there before.
It's really just a bed with bookcases built into the walls surrounding it.
(Actually, it looks kind of just looks like a closet with a bed.)
We look at each other and I shrug.
We crawl onto the bed and move under the covers. This is the best part of my day and my entire night, I decide.
Suddenly, we hear voices and we stop.
Someone knocks on the door and opens it.
We scramble to pull the covers up.
"Hey, have you seen Jenny?" They ask. Who the hell is Jenny?
"Uh, no", I reply dumbfounded.
They barely close the door and shout to someone that we haven't seen Jenny.
I collapse back on the pillow and sigh.
I suggest we just go back to the futon, so then we steal the big comforter from the bed and move back to the scene of the crime.
As we get under the covers he makes a sarcastic comment about feeling ready to pass out. Uhhhhhhhhh yeah right!
I retort back with something that I think is witty, but most likely is just juvenile.
After some banter he sits up on the futon and moves to kiss me again.
His arms are wrapped around me so tight for someone so skinny.
I've been waiting for this for so long that I can't stop smiling.
Life is good.
A little while later a hear a blaring noise in my sleep.
And then I wake up in a startle, looking around the room.
There is no boy. There is no futon.
There's just me and this blue couch with a thin blanket.
That boy is actually miles away from me.
It's 6:30am and it's time for me to go to work.
I fall back against my pillow and bring the blanket over my head.
I was happy...really happy for once.
But only in my dreams.....
Some people believe that when you dream of the dead, it's not so much of a dream as it is them appearing to you.
My beloved Nonna passed away on December 02, 2009.
Since that time I've had at least three dreams about her.
In all three dreams, I knew she was dead yet everyone in the dream with me could also see her and talk to her.
The first two times I woke up incredibly depressed. I was only able to talk to her for a bit as she was walking by, usually following someone because she was on some sort of schedule to meet up with people.
The other night I saw her walking with my mother. I ran up to her to ask her some questions, and find out how she's been.
She informed me that she was alright but warned me about something.
Strangely enough, this was the first time I woke up and didn't feel heartbroken.
It's weird missing someone and yet being able to see them in your dreams.
You want to make things right and be able to say and ask the questions that you never could.
Sometimes it gets resolved and sometimes it doesn't.
Even now just thinking about her makes my heart ache.
She died very weak and unlike herself, but in my dreams she could walk better than she could in the last two years.
I wanted this...I wanted to see her in my dreams since the moment she passed on, yet it's bittersweet.
I am reminded of her wonder yet reminded that it's only temporary.
This all gets me thinking about second chances...and your only chance.
We never truly know when we're going to lose something important to us.
Say what you need to say when you have the opportunity...or just make the opportunity yourself.
Be honest with those you love, and make every moment count.
Don't wait until it's only in your dreams.
I don't see you anymore since the hospital
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And I'm hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background
I'm in the background
About two weeks ago, my friend Val introduced me to some friends of hers.
One of them was an eccentric girl who seemed to have no qualms about speaking her mind.
For some reason, she decided to indulge in a dream that she had the night before.
(I personally love this kind of stuff, since it gives a bit of insight on what a person is dealing with in their life.)
I didn't think much of it since dreams are usually crazy but this had a message that I never expected.
I had this dream where I was stuck in this whirlpool, spinning and spinning around and I called for help but there was no one to help me.
Finally [John Rogers] saw me and pulled me up out of the water.
I was so scared and nervous, I told him, "Thank you, I was drowning and no one was there to help me. No one cared."
He turned to me and said, "You weren't drowning. All you had to do was stand up".
I said, "Wait, what do you mean? I was totally drowning over there".
"No you weren't" He assured me. "Look, it's shallow. All you had to do was stand up." "
I felt goosebumps after she told the story.
The message was so simple, so obvious.
How many times do we feel that we're drowning in our every day lives?
How often do we feel that there's no one to help pull us out?
I stepped onto the fair grounds on a perfectly sunny day.
There you were in a white polo and cargo shorts. Same shaggy hair as I pictured it would be.
I was overcome with a happiness and an excitement that I hadn't felt all summer. I couldn't even look you in the face out of fear that this would all turn out to be a dream.
Here you were, just like you promised so many times before. I listened to the sound of the crowd and carousel.
The most I could do was link my arm into yours and shyly place my head against your arm.
This was real.
This is what I wanted...for you to keep your promise and show up.
You were smirking and shook your head in a happy confidence.
We walked over to the familiar faces of people we've talked to mutually. They had been waiting for us, with open arms and smiling faces.
And then I woke up.
I blinked a few times in disbelief. Unsure of what had just happened and where I was.
I turned over to a sound asleep boy.
He wasn't the boy of my dreams.
But he was the one who's managed to help me dream of you a little less.
How did I get here?
How did it come to this?
Your life seems to fall into a pattern, whether you choose that pattern or not.
I'm not sure how I ended up here but I don't think it's exactly what I wanted for my life.
This just feels a lot like a comfortable compromise.
I guess that's just how it goes for now.
I'm sure I'll find a way to get out of it, just as I'm sure I'll find another way for me to disappoint you in the choices that I make.
I can't seem to make any of the right ones because, I believe that the only suitable choice would be taking a chance with you.
Unfortunately, that just isn't in the cards for us right now.
Perhaps I'll see you in my dreams.
Daniel Hackett: Who are you? Pecos Bill: I'm a ring-tailed roarer. I can draw faster, shoot straighter, ride harder and drink longer than any man alive. I ride cyclones and I wrestle... Daniel Hackett: You got a name, don't you? Pecos Bill: I'm getting' to that. I'm the rip-snortinest cowboy that ever rode north, south, east or west of the Rio Grande. I'm Pecos Bill.
Remember when you were a kid and all you had were your dreams and your imagination?
The whole world seemed so big and so vast.
It wasn't a matter of what we could or couldn't do...
It was more of how much time we had to do it...and what we should do first.
We couldn't wait to conquer it all.
We all get stuck at some point.
Yes, we are growing up, but that shouldn't mean we are giving up.
Don't forget what it was like to dream, to imagine, and to truly believe.
There is still hope.