Trust always seems to be a pressing issue; I just never thought it would be the lack of trust in myself that would be the root cause of my fears and insecurities with both personal and spiritual issues revolving around myself. It seems that everything in my life I'm stuck in a one foot in and one foot out scenario. With God, my romantic and platonic relationships as well, it's as if I can't give my whole self in anything. The odd thing is that my brain tells me what is right; thus I have assurance logically in these areas. However, my heart is struggling to focus on the most important things in my life. It's quite the paradox.
These conflicts are surfacing, and once actually confronted to make a move, I run away. Some form of change is necessary, and I feel that the people in my life don't seem to understand what I'm going through. One thing is sure, I can't go on lacking trust. Without trust, I will not have success, and maybe even more importantly, I won't experience growth. How can one move out of the quicksand when his knees are buried deep in confusion and apathy?
This is a season of questioning for me. Questioning all areas of life that I invest my time in, and it's about time that I start to unfold the answers that await for me. In due time.
I'm usually not one to unload my list of issues on an internet blog, but I really feel I need to let it out in some avenue, so here it goes. It's been a really rough past couple of weeks for a few reasons:
1. Stolen iPod - My dearest and most treasured possession I own (other than my piano and guitars) was stolen a few weeks ago. Now, some of you may know (hopefully all of you) that I am a Christian, so I still hold the overall view that possessions are just things of this world. Not a big deal, so I'm trying my best to overlook it. I just really miss having my iPod; that's all.
2. The Promotion Rug Pulled From Underneath - Two weeks ago, I interviewed for a promotion with my company. I didn't think a whole lot of it, until I discovered from a friend on the "inside" at work advised me that only three people made it to the second round of interviews, and that I was one of them. So, ultimately, I was pretty stoked. Last Monday morning, I received an e-mail at work (Outlook Invitation) that says I have an "appointment call" for an update on the position with the manager I interviewed with on Tuesday morning. Of course I was elated and confident after this. How else should I feel after receiving a preemptive e-mail telling me to call the supervisor a whole 24 hours in advance? So, the next morning I was as nervous as a schoolboy asking his crush if she likes him or not. The anticipation was killing me. Finally, I call in just so the hiring manager can tell me this: "Just wanted to tell you that we decided to go with another candidate, but thanks for applying! Do you have any questions?" Uhhh...yeah, why couldn't you just e-mail me that information yesterday, instead of giving me a whole day of confidence and anticipation that I got the job?! Ahhhh!!!! I was so mad that I took the rest of the day off from work. I couldn't handle being there. I'm still having trouble working knowing I came so close to a promotion.
3. Wachovia's Method of Stealing From the Poor - I don't know if anyone else has this issue with major banking corporations, but Wachovia's sly method of not posting a transaction right away, but instead waiting 4 days to post a large debit on my bank account leading me to believe I have money in my account when I really don't is bogus. Then, low and behold, they charge me two overdraft fees of $35 each! Now, my account balance is ($-76). Are you kidding me?! Why does it take that long to post a transaction on the account? I had four debits over the weekend that posted right away, but one that takes four whole days!!! Wow, thanks. I'm broke enough as it is, but this majorly puts me in a ditch. Man, I'm screwed!
Maybe Murphy's Law is right. Maybe what can go wrong will. It does seems to be raining poo on me as of late, with no signs of stopping.
Music has become a hiding place from everyday mundane, repetitive life for me. As long as the music is good, I escape into a world filled with rhythms and melodies that coax my aching soul. This, I believe, is the reason for my undying passion and love for this median. Without it, I'm not quite sure where I would be. I'd still be here, but my identity would probably be found in less beloved entities, and perhaps more tragic ones.
I made a playlist yesterday after receiving poor news of one of my favorite bands' breakup, Copeland. I decided to reminisce by sorting through my favorite songs of theirs, and adding some bands that I started to love directly after I fell for my boys from Lakeland. Their artistic demise under this moniker is unfortunate, but I'll always have the four (five if you include Dressed Up & In Line b-side collection) albums, particularly one of my favorite albums of all-time Beneath Medicine Tree.
I'm obsessed with music, and this infatuation will not quickly fade.
Without boldness and confidence, faith is wavering. I've come to grips with this. There are people that try to take my faith away, but I won't let it happen. God is bigger than my circumstances, and I believe this. Without God, nothing quite adds up for me. My faith is what makes my everyday life tolerable. It is the core of my being. Without it, I will perish, and so will you.
I feel compelled to ask you, what do you have faith in? I have faith in God. I have faith in his son Jesus Christ; that" he humbled himself to the point of death, even death on a cross" (Phillippians 2:1-11), and took the burden of all of our sins (past, present and future) for the forgiveness and salvation of his people. There's much more to it of course, and even summarizing it in one succinct sentence does it no justice whatsoever. You'd have to make that decision yourself. This is the most important thing in life, but we distract ourselves to the point that it becomes pointless. Many people shove it off and procrastinate by saying "I'll worry about it when I'm older". But let me ask you:
What if something were to happen where you were to lose your life? What did you have to live for? What is your purpose in life?
All of these questions surface, and if you don't have an answer, then it's time to really contemplate. What are you here for?
This isn't a religious quarrel. I hate religion/division/segregation, but I love Jesus. That's it. He's the center, and I declare myself absolutely nothing without him. You can write me off if you want, but I beg you to ask yourself these questions, and truly think about it on your own terms.