I must be a complete idiot to let the same person break my heart this many times..
I just laugh at my conversation with Devan from the other day. He asks me, "are you still seeing Amber, why don't you marry her?" My answer.. "Yeah, I am. I might, I want to, I love her a lot"
It just blows my fucking mind. It blows my mind how quickly shit changes. I'm done being hurt and destoryed. Now I'm just fucking pissed.
The thing that hurts the most is knowing they don't give a shit. Like nothing, like I was a feather in the wind. Passing in the breeze, meaningless.
But what's new. At this rate I don't want to date anymore, I don't want to be married. I hope and probably will be single until the day I die. Which is looking fine the more and more I try. Besides the divorce rate is above 50%, if not well above these days.
I just have so much to say that will never be heard. I'll keep it to myself as usual. You should know those melodies and songs I write were because of you, but you never thought about it or cared. You just thought it was music I was writing. It's one of the ways I would express my emotions or feelings, but you didn't see that. You just see things in black and white and not everyone or everything is black and white.
I showed it the best way I knew how. But it was never enough. I was never enough. You set me up for failure and I passed with flying colors.
I'm just gonna go hide away in my house until I can't worry about what you're doing constantly. Until miles separate us. I gave a part of myself to three people and each has wholey destroyed it. No wonder I'm becoming so bitter.
The only thing I hope is that I imprinted a part of myself on you. So when you see what we could have been you, realize what you lost. I didn't give this up. But I will abide by what has been placed in front of me. It was never about someone better it was about you and that being all I wanted..
It's the choices you make and don't make that define you. Not the will of someone who doesn't control your life.
I promised myself I'd stop writing these pathetic blogs.. But I have to get this off my chest. It's killing me.
I'm so tired of getting hurt. Simple. I've made my mistakes and I've grown and learned a lot in the last few years.. I've been going through some big changes lately.. I bought a house, I've become more positive, I've lost 37 pounds and counting. I was trying so hard to show you how much you meant to me. I know I'm not the best at it but when you claim to love someone so much and we have such a great time together. I could tell you were falling for me and I was for you even more. I know this is why you're pulling away now. You're scared. I get it. But I don't.
You were my rock. I'd constantly text you and tell you how much I missed and loved you. You think religion is such a big deal, well it is to you. And I accepted and loved that about you. I'm sorry I have yet to have that defining moment in my life to make me devote my whole life to a book. But I believe and I do the best I can, I show respect, tolerance. I live my life just how it's taught in the bible, without the bible. I don't need church to practice my faith. I have conversations with God on my own. So that shouldn't even be an issue.
To me all these are just excuses cause you'll be moving away soon. I wanted you to stay. With me and never leave. And now I don't know what I want. I'm almost counting down the days so I don't have to worry about who you're gonna see or what you're gonna do here.
You never see how much I care because you don't want to. You don't want to lose me. So you push me away constantly so you can't get close. That's not a good way to live your life or have a relationship with anyone.
We were how love is supposed to happen. Friends falling in love. Now it's gone.
Man I fall for the wrong people it seems. Everyone fucks up. Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is how much heart you have. How much love and faith and youd never give up on them. I'm just old fashioned. I'm loyal. I'm stubborn and an idiot but when I say what I want, when I tell you I love you take that to heart. Cause I don't say it to many people and I don't say it unless I mean it..
I guess I'll be back. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say..
They played my favorite song by them, "The Best of Me". I wasn't expecting it at all. It absolutely made my night and week.
Did something I never do yesterday. Saw the Used tonight, going to Wolf Creek to board tomorrow. And then on Monday I get my half sleeve colored in.
Oh yeah I don't think I mentioned that yet or posted about it. I'm getting a 3/4 sleeve. I already have half of it outlined and am getting the rest colored on Monday. Then setup more appts. It's a process but I can't wait till it's done. It means a lot to me.. It represents a lot of stuff that's changed me and made me who I am and was.
I must say things are alright right now. Having a great week and after getting that new job. Good vibes and directions. I'm stoked for what's coming for once in a long while.
Lots happened but I just want to actually get some thoughts out about my job and current situation.
So I've worked at Pres for 6 years almost 7 [in October]. It's a hospital if you're curious. I've always been a lax person, laid back and maybe even a little lazy. But that's only on my own time. When it comes to my work, job, profession I bust my ass. And in the last year it's come to pay me back. I'm so grateful and blessed especially in this day and economy. I started at the gift shop transferred to the front desk. Made my way to Health Records which is a greatly expanding department. Put the last three and a half years in there and moved up two positions in the last year. All from hardwork.
I've made a great foundation with my managers/bosses and continue to prove I'm a valuable asset to pres and my department. So much so that she offered me another position last week. If I accept which I am it will literally double my salary. Ill be making 50k with out a college degree.
I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself and I know my parents are. I hate money and when people talk about salaries and all that cause life is a lot more than status and money, but the fact that my hardwork got me in this position within 6 short years is where I'm most proud of.
I always give my best and expect it in return. I'm finishing up my degree slowly but surely. I just wanted to share my current situation and give a big middle finger to everyone who doubted me. The key to success is being a hardworker. You get out what you put in and being a good decent person. I'm not saint, but when it comes to work I'm professional and get things done.
I wish I could have a script of what my manager said to me and her praises cause that was enough to make me ecstatic.
I can't even believe it. 50k a year job with no degree. Eat your heart out. I'll always do what I have to.
I feel like for the first time in a long time I can breath. It feels alright. Sucks but doesn't.
I have this amazing girl right in front of me and she has been. I think it's finally time to just be okay. No more worrying, even caring and just do my thing.
I always post a Christmas blog and I guess this is it. So stoked for what's coming up. Next week is New Years and ill have completed my resolution. Year without soda. I'm pretty proud of myself. Not many people can or do follow through and finish. Also haven't had fb in a year plus now, not missing that shit either.
Also my 24th bday is the 3rd. So ready to be 24 and leave this horrible year behind. Blink was right when they said no one likes you when you're 23. Haha
Get my sleeve on the 29th and a touch up on the 21st for my chest.
Bunch of awesome concerts coming up. The Used, Pierce and Memphis, Silverstein
I have a lot to be grateful and excited for.
Here's to learning and living. And a better year. 2013
Pierce the Veil - "The First Punch"
Ps. If you're reading this Zach, which you shouldn't be. Fuck you. You'll never have her heart like I did. You'll never know her like I did. Dueces.
I'm such a sucker for ballads, love songs. Anything gorgeous and slow. I've loved them forever. For a guy I love some emotional stuff. It's the passion for music and how it can describe how you're feeling with any combination of words. But to me it's all about the melody. All my favorite songs are slower acoustic or piano ballads.
I've said it before I love all music jazz, rock, classical and even country. Which brings me to why I'm writing this.
Driving home I just heard a new Rascal Flatts song on the radio. Yes, Rascal Flatts. They're like the boy band of country pop. But you have to admit they have some awesome ass, emotional songs. I can relate with a lot of them. It's been a while since I've heard anything by them but this one like many others caught my ear instantly. It's called "Come Wake Me Up"
I love when a song is presented to me right when I need it or should be hearing.
It's been a year.. a long year. A difficult, but good year. A lot has changed which is to be expected. But I tried to make a conscious effort to better myself for me and for others around me.
This time last year I was honestly a wreck and up to this point I can't lie I'd slowly been trying, climbing, doing anything to get out of this whole I had dug myself. I feel like I've emerged from one of the worst places I'd ever been in my life a better person. I'm no saint and don't claim to be. I know my faults and my failures, but I've accepted them and have been learning from them.
Figured out what I need to do to be better. To fix what was wrong. I set myself some goals and changed a lot of the things I knew that weren't me. Found a better me. I still have a ways to go, but you have to start somewhere.
Haven't had a soda since Jan 1st, lost 25 pounds since this time last year. Have been paying off all my bills and just getting my life in order. Got two raises and a promotion within the last year from working full time and my ass off. I can say I'm pretty proud of those accomplishments.
If I say I'm gonna do it, i'll do it. I've become more reliable for others and myself. I just feel like even tho losing my grandpa and someone who was really close to me this year helped me grow a lot. Even with my grandfather gone he's still helping me become me. Always pushing me to be better.
Positivity and love.
I'm still human. I feel hurt and feel happy. It hasn't been a whole year of great things and changes. I mean you gotta fall first before you can get back up. A lot of things I'd love to change and fix about this past year, but I'm still rolling. Planning on losing more weight and finishing out my new years resolution. Will be a cool thing to say I've done. Seems like not many people actually finish a New Years resolution.
In recent activity.
Just got back from Denver with my friends. Remind me to never go on a trip with Delila again... I'm surprised I didn't go insane.. in four days. All I can say is wow. Had a great time seeing Pierce, Sleeping and Tonight Alive, but damn. Too much stress. I ain't about that life anymore haha.
Also, recently I've gotten another tattoo. So I'm up to three haha. Chest, back and side. Came out perfect. Couldn't have asked for a better piece. Now I'm setting up my arm appt. this week. Gonna get a huge owl and clock half sleeve for my grandpa which also has some other meanings to it, but I wont get into those. I'm addicted even more than I was before. But this next arm piece is going to be awesome. I can't wait. I'll have to post a picture when it's done.
I haven't updated as much as I usually do and I know I'm forgetting and missing a lot of stuff I wanted to say.
But the jist was that I'm glad I've grown. Even if it is a little at a time. It means a lot when people recognize my progress. I've learned people need to speak more, feel more, show more love. Ever since I have been everything's a little bit better.
I'm sure I'll come back and edit this whole blog cause it is a cluster fuck of ideas.. So I leave you with some lyrics I'm contemplating adding to my sleeve at some point. They hit me when I needed it most and really helped me.
"These bones are only temporary..
I can't say
The past will never get in the way.
Just remember, all things come and go,
But they don't mean a thing.
It's not about what you have now,
It's what you have in store... LET GO"
thimble on my chest, right above my heart..
It's funny to me that I tell people what my tattoos mean, but I know only about two/three people actually know what they mean to me with out even saying a word, what they truly represent..
When you start to realize that you had it right.. Yeah there were things I could have worked on, did better, but I wasn't given the chance. But everything they realize now I had already been doing. Just shows me even more that it takes two and I wasn't the only reason things didn't work out when they could have and should have. I had a few things wrong, but I had a lot of it right. Especially the heart. Makes me see that it really is a choice.
Sleeping With Sirens - "James Dean and Audrey Hepburn"
I know one day it'll hit like a ton of bricks.
I think I'm gonna get that line tattooed on my forearms. One line on each arm.
"they say that Love is forever" "your forever is all that I need"
I absolutely love this line. Almost as much as, "I was constructed for you and you were molded for me"
It holds so much weight in that one sentence to me. I meant that with all my heart.
I'd love to get this tattooed on me. Or with someone I really care about. They get the first half and I get the second. I love this song and band. One of tIhe bands I'm looking forward to seeing most at Warped Tour
Their new acoustic EP is perfect.
If you were a movie, this would be your soundtrack.
This and the new Pierce the Veil are hitting me perfect right now. Love them and needed them.
I'm really starting to like someone. It's kinda of weird and scary.. Haha fuck.
It's been awhile since I've written anything worth some thing. Went and returned from Washington DC. 26 hour road trip. Was an experience. I'm proud to be an American. Sounds stupid but seeing all that stuff the monuments and white house makes you appreciate where you came from and our history. But yeah it was a great time. Another escape in a sense..
I just lost my grandpa two months ago and his wife my grandma whose had alzhiemer's for the last 13 years recently took a fall and isn't doing well. I'm probably gonna lose her to pretty soon. She has water on her brain and isn't doing too well. It's hard. Especially after losing him. The way she looks at me. She knows me and knows she loves me more than anything but can't remember my name.. It's just hard.
This had been one of the toughest years of my life. I feel like I've been through a lot. I've already lost two people that meant everything to me and now I'm losing a third all within three months. I just hope things change. Start to look up. I love you grandma.
I'm the most optimistic person I know. My buddy Devan told me last night that "I genuinely care about everyone. That I have a huge heart". It made me feel good he sees that in me. Others have said that but when he did it meant a lot. I don't like burdening people with my problems or issues. It's just me I'm independent. It spills over into everything and it's not always a good thing but I feel like it makes me strong and weak at the same time.
Idk I trust things will work out. They always have a way of doing just that.
I still have my music. Wrote a lot of new stuff recently. Outlet I guess.
I'll edit this later since I usually write it from my phone.
So today I was hanging with my buddy Rob and our friend Sean aka (Asian Sean). Known him since middle school. Pretty cool guy. So we get on the topic of Astrology and lately I've been finding it very interesting. Idk why just have. So I was learning a lot of new stuff I'd never even known or thought about before. He's kind of into an told me I was a straight capricorn because I was born right in the middle, not near either ends really. And found out my moon is Scorpio which means that's my personality "at night" or how I act. Essentially my other side. So I start looking stuff up which I've posted beneath. It just blew my mind how similar I am to both Capricorn traits and some of Scorpios. It's quite crazy to see how I get some from both of the signs. Super interesting if nothing else. I still can't believe how well both signs suit me. Then we started talking about people and their signs and relating it to their behavior and it was cool cause a lot of it made sense and clicked. Makes ya think. But yeah it was just a good deep talk. I love having those haha. The first one is pretty spot on. The second is just interesting to see some of Scorpios ways. I'm by no means a astrology nut. Just something cool to learn about, look into.