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Take This To Your [Headphones]
Moving On.
11/24/10 at 10:59 AM by Miss Heartcore
Leave all your loving, your loving behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

I'd like to believe that when something in life comes to a close, it's life's way of telling me that what has ended was important for what it was and now it's time for new and better things.

It's time to grow up.
It's time to be exactly what you always dreamed to be...
and sometimes you have to start that journey all on your own.
Tags: Relationships, Life.
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The Admission.
07/22/10 at 09:57 PM by Miss Heartcore
"What happened to you? You used to run these boys into the ground without barely batting an eyelash." He said with concern in his voice.

I stood there with my arms folded looking out to the right of me. I swayed nervously.

I guess I'm that transparent. My air of mystery is dissolving right before everyone's eyes.

I shook my head in disappointment...mostly in myself. "That's what happens when you fall in love."

"What?!" he asked incredulously. "What are you even talking about? With who?"

I dropped my head in shame. "It doesn't even matter. The point is that it's unrequited."

"I'm so lost. What are you even saying right now?" he put his hands on my shoulders to stop my swaying.

I looked up at him trying to muster every bit of strength not to cry.

"I'm saying that...that when you loved someone and they don't feel the same, every bit of you is broken down--starting from the inside. I care about someone who has maybe lukewarm feelings for me. Even if he says he likes me and cares for me, deep down I know it's not in the same way. It's not in the way that I want it to be."

His eyebrows furrowed and he didn't respond.

I finally looked up at him and my cheeks felt wet. So much for mustering up strength.

"I just...Every single day is a struggle. I can't even say that he's actually the right person for me. I just know that when we're together and when he leaves, it's a feeling that I don't have for anyone else. I know he's away right now, living his party lifestyle...probably with multiple girls and here I am. I sit here and I wait. I wait for him to take a break from that life to find time to fit me in. Everything is on his terms and no matter how I try to take control, I just succumb and let him take the wheel."

"Why do you do this to yourself? He seems like an asshole and you know you deserve better. Why are you making someone your priority when you're only their option?" His eyes tried to reach mine to get his point across.

I looked away and tried to dry my eyes. I've felt so emotionally exhausted for months now and this is the first time I've come to terms with my feelings.

"I don't know. I just don't...It's been a long time since I felt this strongly about someone...truly just consumed by them. It's a kind of chemistry that's hard to find." I sat down on the grass in defeat. I wanted to lay down and sleep forever.

"Then go out and find something else...find someone else. There are guys everywhere". He moved to sit down, never taking his eyes off of me.

I knew he believed the answer was so simple. It's obviously easier to give advice than it is to take it.

"And you don't think I've tried that? You don't think that I go out every weekend with that in mind? I go out and sit at bars and I check out guys. I see guys that I would possibly, maybe want to talk to that I actually find attractive and instead I sit there and do nothing. Because when I say that I "see" them, I mean they pass me by and somewhere deep down inside the old me is insterested, but this broken down version of me has suffocated her. These guys pass me by like ghosts and I just turn away and try to forget all about them. They're not him, and there's nothing in me confident enough to see if they're better."

I'm not even sure if what I'm saying is making any sense.

He stops looking at me to try and process it all. I continued to dry my eyes from under my sunglasses.

"Look, you need to do something different. This is not you and you know it. You're going to sit there and tell me that you've become one of those girls who let's a guy dictate their personality? He's not even HERE! HE DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE! You're so much better than that and you know it! God, you're not even sure that he's the right guy for you? Well then he obviously isn't. Stop holding on to it because it's killing you. There are better things out there...better people who won't make you feel this way."

I lift my head and say, "It's more than that though. Some of the best times I've ever had were with him. We've built this friendship that, in many ways, has changed me and allowed me to grow up...but yet, in other ways, I've given so much of my heart to it that I feel like I'm slowly dissolving. I'm just going through the motions of life."

When he didn't say anything I muttered, "I feel like I've really lost myself."

He puts his arms around me and pulls me close, "She's there somewhere. You will find her and you don't have to do it alone."

Maybe someday she will be found.

You can only blame your problems on the world for so long
Before it all becomes the same old song
As soon as we hit the hospital I know we're gonna leave this town
And get new passports, get out now
Tags: life.
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My Milestone.
05/03/10 at 11:38 PM by Miss Heartcore
I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.

Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Well take me out tonight,

This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
I'm my own stone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

If we're growing up, does this mean we have to give it all up?

I contemplate my life before he left
before she died
before he was killed
before friendship was lost
before this website
before college
before this scene took hold of me.It's a wonder how these things have shaped me, changed me, made me.

I recently caught a glimpse of my future...of exactly what I want out of life
and now everything seems pointless and mundane because I'm not where I want to be.

I tossed around the idea of leaving...Of a better job and a better location.
For the first time in my life I'm okay with leaving this bubble.
Most of what I felt was keeping me here has seemed to evolve and move on.
I guess I'm the only person that seems without direction.
I have a list of goals and it's just a matter of achieving them.
Some are obviously easier than others, but I can't help but think that me staying here is suffocating me.
It's hard to put in the effort when my mind is elsewhere.

In the meantime I watch my friends separate and grow on their own.
I'm happy for many of them.
I think about the ones that I cut off and the ones that left on their own free will.
Sometimes I miss them but I then realize that what I miss most likely doesn't exist anymore.
Perhaps it's for the best.

And then there's the whole romance and relationships aspect of life.
The one I care about, seems to be letting go...he can join the ranks of the rest of them.
The last three are all living with their girlfriends, sharing pets and possible banks accounts.
(I will lead you to your future love, if you took the chance, ha.)
I can't commit to another person, let alone my own life.
Everyone who comes along I immediately dissect and wonder what their damage is.
The only normal people are evidently strangers and it's not long before their charm wears away.
I have regrets, lots of them.
I am a cynic and a critic.
I am so bitter.
I can barely let go of the things that I know aren't right for me.
I am actually heartbroken.

I guess it's just a matter of finding direction and motivation.
Must remember to keep an open mind and a passionate heart.
For all the pain, there's a chance at redemption.
Here's to the future--to hoping for the best.

Well save my life tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink
I'm my own stone around my neck
Tags: Brand New, Life.
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Stand Up
02/08/10 at 12:17 PM by Miss Heartcore
About two weeks ago, my friend Val introduced me to some friends of hers.

One of them was an eccentric girl who seemed to have no qualms about speaking her mind.
For some reason, she decided to indulge in a dream that she had the night before.
(I personally love this kind of stuff, since it gives a bit of insight on what a person is dealing with in their life.)
I didn't think much of it since dreams are usually crazy but this had a message that I never expected.

I had this dream where I was stuck in this whirlpool, spinning and spinning around and I called for help but there was no one to help me.

Finally [John Rogers] saw me and pulled me up out of the water.

I was so scared and nervous, I told him, "Thank you, I was drowning and no one was there to help me. No one cared."

He turned to me and said, "You weren't drowning. All you had to do was stand up".

I said, "Wait, what do you mean? I was totally drowning over there".

"No you weren't" He assured me. "Look, it's shallow. All you had to do was stand up." "

I felt goosebumps after she told the story.

The message was so simple, so obvious.

How many times do we feel that we're drowning in our every day lives?

How often do we feel that there's no one to help pull us out?

Maybe we're really not in it that deep.

Maybe all we really need to do is stand up.
Tags: Friends, Dreams, Life.
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Love Sick.
11/02/09 at 10:17 PM by Miss Heartcore
I hope to God I mean a little more then the sounds that escape your tired 4 A.M. lips
And oh-how I wish I meant a little more then a symphony of heavy breathing and the friction of hips....

You can meet, share various connections (and on occasion hook up) with numerous different people,
but once in awhile there comes along a person that knocks you off kilter.
It doesn't matter who you've come in contact before or after or even if you experienced the same kind of experiences...
This person is just different.

You can feel your brain working for the first time.
The conversations are intense, heated, lively, intelligent, belligerent, wonderful.
You find yourself opening up in a way you never had with anyone else.
You start to think that you found something that you really believe in.
Perhaps you start to wonder if this person is it...if this is the person you were waiting for...
And soon it happens.

You start to lose your mind.

You're not quite sure how or when it started...
but this person who made you so happy, has now turned you fucking insane.
Why do you suddenly care so much about where they are or who they're with?
Are they keeping secrets from you?
Are they lying just to avoid conflict?
Are their words as good as you thought they once were?

Who are you anymore?
Who is this jealous, envious person you're turning into?
Why do you suddenly care so much?
Fucking paranoia to the 10th degree.

Every night is a mini panic attack after every conversation with them.
What are they really doing?
When will you see them again?
Are they avoiding you?

Suddenly you realize you're losing sight of yourself.
You don't feel worthy or interesting.
It's almost as if that person stole everything from you that you loved about life.

Welcome to the mind fuck.

Let's hope someone knows the cure.
Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Truth, Lies, Life.
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Give and Take
10/18/09 at 10:41 PM by Miss Heartcore
And there's a flaw if you hurt me I'll hurt you too.
I come back around this place to get away from you
...So if you save me I'll save you too.
If you'll look for me you'll find me baby.
We were the best of the best of friends...

...And I have lost my mind.
And I am lost in time.
I can barely think of anything straight.
And I can barely feel anything real. ...


I think you're on a path to ruining me.
Well, I refuse.
Been there, done that.
My heart is way more important than yours.
Two can play at this game, sir.
I can't lose myself again.
Tags: FTSK, Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Truth, Life.
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The Cycle: 365 Days Later
10/15/09 at 11:04 PM by Miss Heartcore
I still only vaguely know the boy with the perfect kiss from that NOFX show.

We see each other in passing and I rarely feel motivated to call him. It's a mixture of nervousness and just an overall lack of effort.

I will be honest and say that he's the last guy who actually made me excited/nervous/elated.
...The last guy who didn't give me a terrible feeling that I was going to be cheated.

Because right now I know someone, who if he buckled down a bit and got his act together, we could possibly make it work. We could actually be happy together.

But like the others, his actions leave me with a bad, cheated feeling. A feeling that there is dishonesty that will hurt me a great deal once it all comes to light.
This has been a frequent occurrence over the past 3 years.
I'm never sure when it will happen, how it will happen, or what the specific events are, but I know they are coming.
The feeling lingers after each phone call or online message or post.

And the truth will reveal itself.
I'll be made to be a complete fool since I did nothing to stop it.
And I will write these entries to try to ease the pain and in the meantime, try and destroy something that cares about me.

So until then, it's the waiting game.
All things in time.
Tags: Boys, Relationships, Friendships, Truth, Lies, Life.
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08/12/09 at 08:48 AM by Miss Heartcore
I know this feeling.

....and it spells trouble.
Tags: Gossip Girl, Secrets, Life.
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Can't help it...
04/09/09 at 06:56 PM by Miss Heartcore

This movie frightened me as a kid, yet I still wanted to be like her.
Tags: Who Framed Roger Rabbit, Jessica Rabbit, life.
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New Music
03/30/09 at 10:55 AM by Miss Heartcore
Currently loving:

All songs from my buddy's band, Big City Lights


"The Astronomer" from Oh, The Story!

Everyone is dying for change; all the colors are fading
All I want is to be saved… Set free and rearranged, I’m ready…
Tags: Big City Lights, Oh The Story!, music, life.
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Spring Rain
03/08/09 at 09:08 PM by Miss Heartcore
After an hour drive, I was finally home. I hopped out of the car and the smell of Spring hit me immediately. I couldn't help but grin from ear to ear.

I'm one for warm, sunny weather all the freaking time so living in a state with all four seasons can be somewhat of a bummer. One of the few things that can cheer me up is rain during warm weather. It's absolutely wonderful on all accounts.

I stepped into my house and everything smelled like Spring/Summer. I ran up to my room and opened the door because that's the closest I'll get to being outside for the rest the night. I sometimes wish I had a more private front porch or at least a cleaned up back porch so I could enjoy the weather for another hour or so. But alas, the only place where that's possible was the place that I just drove an hour away from.

So instead, I'll spend my night by an open window enjoying the nostalgia that comes from Sugar Ray. They have always been a Summer band to me:

Tags: Sugar Ray, Spring, Summer, rain, happy, life.
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There's nothing...
03/02/09 at 10:40 PM by Miss Heartcore
...that really puts me in a good mood anymore except for this song.

You're a liar if you say that this sound hasn't been stuck in your head at some point.

This is the essence of summer---even in the dead of winter.

This song is always a good time....always.

Certainly better than any of you.

Tags: The Escapse Song, Rupert E. Holmes, The Summer Life.
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Smile, You've won.
02/24/09 at 06:18 PM by Miss Heartcore
Once because we always were there.
I'm impressed you've never seemed so scared,
and you still don't know.
But I found comfort in this bottle and you out of site,
out of mind and nowhere close to being,
sober straight I've seen that look in me.
Don't ever let me see those words on your lips,
it's just me,it's just me.
So yeah yeah well now its peace in the form of a dove.
And yeah yeah its peace and love or just whatever goes down,
easily, consuming our bodies; it's your fight this night.


I've made a decision to give up on the impossible.
Here's to hopefully being better off.
Tags: Lydia, most random song choice, people, guys, life.
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We were both young when I first saw you...
02/22/09 at 11:06 PM by Miss Heartcore
Yes, that's right. THIS song.

Can't stand country music or Taylor Swift's strange mouth/teeth. I even managed to avoid it at all costs until last week.
Now the damn song won't leave my head.

I love it.

Good song ending, cute music video to go with it.

He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,
"Marry me, Juliet. you'll never have to be alone.
I love you and that's all I really know.
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress;
It's a love story - baby just say 'Yes.'

Too bad this couldn't be real life.

Tags: Taylor Swift, Love Song, Music, Romance, Personal, Life.
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Across the wards as we both dissolve
02/13/09 at 10:30 AM by Miss Heartcore
So tell me dear where is it you go from here?
As you curse and peel and pose in tears
Against the wall and across the hall
Across the wards as we both dissolve
I have this habit of punishing things
That move so fast they grow out wings
That sneaks through houses as we barter for sleep
(So just let me hide)

I wish I had you in my lungs
I'd blow you up and block the sun

To save everyone from this brilliant light we've won

And our bodies got so much clearer
With dirty blood and thirty last calls

So fill it up and spin forever down the wall
I throw it up just to watch it fall

Through the window you looked much sweeter

Tell me something bout a lonely night
Burnt by the steam from a better life

But your lottery touch feels lucky enough
Refugee hands from a gin war.
I know a place where we can rest tonight
But when the bombs start falling... you've got to open your eyes

And I just hope that I have mine
I just hope that I have.

I wish I had one hundred thousand pounds
Id crack the ground as your struggle for sound leaps
From town to town to town

Share your spoken wealth
Share your body's health
I need it more than I need myself

I know you'll leave with the kings reprieve
I guess that's just fine by me

Through the window you tasted much sweeter


Whether I feel sick body wise, sick in the head, or just sick in the heart, Nick Torres sings me to sleep.

I'm considering just flying out to his shows because I doubt he's going to come back over here any time soon.
Tags: The Gin War, Cassino, lovely lyrics, life.
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