Date & Time: Saturday, December 22nd, 2012, 12:57 PM
The apocalypse has but a day prior ravaged the globe and all life on Earth has since been wiped out. The entirety of the human population is parked outside The Pearly Gates awaiting Yahweh, His ultimate judgement, and their final destination in the afterlife.
Yahweh: Alright, so. Goddamn there are a lot of you here. But, yeah, whatever. Ahem. Let's get right down to business, shall we? Okay. Basically, as I'm sure you're aware, you won't all be staying up here. What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna call out certain groups by name, i.e. murderers and adulterers, and anyone and everyone who qualifies as such will then have one of my angels toss a giant magic net around them, at which point you'll all promptly be thrown down this here garbage chute that leads straight to Hell. Mkay? Mkay. Quick, simple, effective. Let's do this. So. Murders. Adulterers. Rapists. Compulsive liars. Blasphemers. Homosexuals...
[YAHWEH is interrupted by one of the aforementioned homosexuals]
Homosexual Man: Um, I hate to be a bother, but would you mind reminding us why we're being condemned to eternal hellfire and torture?
Yahweh: Well, if you must know, that whole thing you guys do with the butt sex - and let's not forget the scissoring for the ladies - it's, like, not natural. And stuff.
Homosexual Man: How is it not natural?
Yahweh: Well, because it doesn't occur in nature.
Homosexual Man: ... Uhh, it occurs in human beings, and human beings are part of nature, so, by the transitive property, wouldn't homosexuality qualify as natural?
Yahweh: Well, I guess, but-
Homosexual Man: Furthermore, you're supposed to be all-loving and all-knowing, right?
Yahweh: What's with all the questions, pal?
Homosexual Man: I hardly see how it's fair how you implanted these feelings and desires in us only to then punish us for expressing them.
Yahweh: The whole point of that is to see if you'd be able to fight those desires.
Homosexual Man: Do you have any how hard that is? Not even with regards to sex, but love: an emotion you gave us and fully know the extent of. It's a beautiful, beautiful thing that harbors nothing but good. My husband means everything to me and I would do literally almost anything in the world for him, but I'm a bad person for wanting to be physically intimate with the love of my life?
Yahweh: Yeah, but, you could, you know, like, get diseases and stuff.
Homosexual Man: Well, for one, with science, medicine and technology as advanced as it is, there are ways to pretty much completely circumvent any and all health issues. We have it well within our capacity to take perfect care of ourselves. Not to mention, given that you created everything, aren't you the one responsible for any health issues that could potentially arise? Surely you have it within your limitless power to make STDs a complete and total non-issue.
Yahweh: No, see, the reason I invented STDs is to encourage people to stay with just one person so as they can raise a family in a more loving environment.
Homosexual Man: There's no correlation between how many people you have sex with and how equipped a parent you'll be, or how loving a spouse you'll be.
Yahweh: I totally see where you're coming from, but, like, a child is typically better off with opposite sex parents.
Homosexual Man: I'd love to see some statistics.
Yahweh: Sure thing, man. But, uh...oh, dammit. I totally had that stat sheet here, but now I can't find it. As soon as I do, though, I'll get back to you on that, I swear.
Homosexual Man: Weren't Hitler and Stalin raised by opposite sex parents?
Yahweh: They're the exception.
Homosexual Man: What about Josef Fritzel?
Homosexual Man: And since, statistically speaking, most people on the planet are brought up in mother/father households, doesn't that mean that most criminals and sinners in general were raised by opposite sex parents?
Homosexual Man: How long until the exception becomes the rule?
Yahweh: How long until you stop being a jerk?
Homosexual Man: Yeah, okay then. That answered all my questions. I'm glad we cleared that up.
Yahweh: I'm very happy to have aided you, my son. NOW BURN IN HELL, FAGGOT!
A giant magic net is cast out, ensnaring all homosexuals within it. They are then tossed down the chute and sent to Hell to endure unknown agony and pain until the end of time itself. For reasons no one is entirely sure of.
Has anyone ever considered that the bible was written as a satire? I'm serious. Just two bored dudes sitting in a cave coming up with shit like "Yeah, and then write, like, if, uh...you eat dairy and meat as a part of the same meal, you'll burn forever in Hell!" and the other dude's like "Hahaha, what the fuck? That doesn't even make sense" and then the first dude is just like "Haha, yeah I know, but just put it in there anyways" and then the second dude is like "Fuck, haha, whatever. Sure. Might I ask where you got this idea from, though?" and then the first dude was like "If you must know, I was eating some beef and I accidentally got cheese on it, and HOLY SHIT it was amazing! I don't want anyone stealing my idea so maybe this will scare them away from trying it."
And that's the story of how the cheeseburger was invented.