That moment when you realize they're probably not gonna come back..
That's all you want, all I want, I mean.
She's too good for me. I have that luck tho. I find amazing women and they all leave me.
They don't get it. She's more than anything I could have hoped for, but the problem lies in me not being good enough for them, for her.
They always leave.
Ever since I was young. All I ever wanted was a movie like love, recently watching Say Anything... for the first time just reinforced that and brought it back to the forefront of my mind. (It also made a few things make a lot more sense. References and quotes and such)
But yeah, it was a good movie. Idk what I'm getting at.. I guess I'm just realizing I need to make myself even better. I've worked on so much the last few years, but I guess I have more work to do. If I ever want anyone to actually want to keep me.. ha.
When you start to realize that you had it right.. Yeah there were things I could have worked on, did better, but I wasn't given the chance. But everything they realize now I had already been doing. Just shows me even more that it takes two and I wasn't the only reason things didn't work out when they could have and should have. I had a few things wrong, but I had a lot of it right. Especially the heart. Makes me see that it really is a choice.
Sleeping With Sirens - "James Dean and Audrey Hepburn"
I know one day it'll hit like a ton of bricks.
I think I'm gonna get that line tattooed on my forearms. One line on each arm.
"they say that Love is forever" "your forever is all that I need"
I weighed myself again .. No joke down to 202. Lost 30 pounds since the summer. Gotta keep going tho. :) Also stoked to get paid three times this month. Rare but awesome when it happens. I love buying things for people. I hate being strapped for cash. I think that's why I like Christmas so much. To see their faces when you give them something you've actually thought about and listened and stuff. It's just a good feeling.
And I love my snowboarding jacket. It's freezing balls but I'm warm as f. Lol
I get so happy even when I get to just talk to her for a short period of time.. Woke up from a dream today. She's been in most all of them but this one was cool because it felt real. It was just a dream of us laying and talking in my bed and messing around. It was nice. Usual I know when I'm dreaming. I hope I see her face soon. I miss it and.. ..Another week and weekend without her. I'm just gonna sleep this weekend and study lol.
I think I'll see a pelicula tonight. Too cold to be out and about. I'm excited to see The Sitter. It looks hilarious. I wish she'd go with me. I have a lot of good ideas and suchery. I just wish I could do them. I want to take her out for completing her first semester student teaching. It's a big deal I think. It's awesome. She does so much and works so hard. Making these awesome ornaments for her kids. That's some dedication for sure. Just flat out being a great teacher. She deserves it. I guess I shouldn't start up raving because I could go on forever. She's just simply amazing.
I always have so much to say, but never the words to say it or the right way to say it. Even in these blogs. My fingers can't keep up with my mind and what it want's to say.
If she were to ever take me back our new song would be Little Bit by Drake and Lykke Li. It's been on repeat while I'm driving. She showed me this song and now I love it. She said it reminded her of me. I wish the days would go quicker.
Edit: Just gonna add some thoughts to this so it's not a whole other blog post.
Sometimes I wonder why we cry. What does it actually do? What is it actually doing for your body and emotions? I hate seeing people cry, it makes me sad. It's just idk. I guess I was thinking about it while I was driving home tonight.. I really hope that all this time waiting for an answer that it's a good one. Because how terrible is it when you wait and it's no or what it might be.. I hope she loves me enough to have her space and see it in her heart that I'm sorry and want to fix things.. Love is a brutal thing. Men will do anything for the person they love. Especially if it matters and I'm no exception. I'd literally do anything. They'll wait I'd wait forever if I knew, but you don't. You never know. You just have to believe and hope they see it.
I guess those are my thoughts of the night.
I'm always excited when it's time for bed.
But when thing I did notice.. When I asked if she was truly happy that we weren't together she said I'm okay.. That wasn't my question.. I asked if you were happy. I know the answer to that. It's no.
Well that was crazy. Never expected to run into them.
But I realized.. I've never had a New Years kiss..
I want one. Obviously I want one with her. Supposed to go to Denver for New Years and my B-day. Was planning this trip.. If she didn't want to go I wouldn't I just want to spend it with her. As long as it's with her I'd be happy. I still can't get past how happy we are when we are together. Just being around each other we have so much fun. Nothing will beat that. Especially when I'm not being a caca head haha. She hates that word haha
But let's see, got my work out in, HW done and class all classed up. What to do, what to do.. Re put up the lights I strung because they don't fucking work! Bastard ass lights. I need more contacts.
Almost slept 11 hours.. Well here goes ab ripper x. Been doing it for two weeks and I've gone from 230 to 210 in two months I think I've lost another 5-7 since I last weighed myself too so that's good.
I wanna get at least 190 -180 between that. You can already see them coming back! That's something to get stoked about.
I realize sometimes I hate talking. Because all the right words seem to fall away and all the wrong ones fill their place.
I said I was comfortable. The truth is I wasn't at all. It was just we weren't on the same page and nothing ever panned out. But I think we are now. I'd love to see where we could go being in this together than on guard and apart.
Thinking about life and all the scenarios and things that can happen.
Not one of them doesn't include her. I just want to tell her that I'm sorry. That I just need one last chance to prove to her. Not to give up on me. To not take away everything that means everything to me.
I pray every second of the day. I know what we can have. I just want to spend time with her and her friends. I regret missing things.
Smell is one of the strongest senses we tie to memories.
For the longest time my favorite smells were rain and fall, fireplaces and burning wood. Fresh. Then I met you. You are my favorite smell. When I catch your scent it's like the strongest drug I've ever taken. I'm immediately at a loss for words and my mind races. I just want her to jump in my arms wrap her legs around me and give me kisses like before.. To much to ask..
You're are the addiction and the cure.
Mayday Parade - "Stay"
I realize.. well I've known for a while now that I just need to back off. It's hard and I'm doing it, but I think I'm going to deactivate twitter this weekend or so. I just have to muster up the courage.. this is gonna be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's a love you see in a movie but one has lost their vision.
The Vow with Rachel McAdams and (shitty) what's his face looks pretty good. It's literally a movie about me and her haha yet she lose her memory. Guess I'll be seeing that alone. I'm so gay.
The only thing that I could form into words was that you have the most beautiful eyes. They don't need to be green or blue they just made you, you. Then we kissed and I knew this was what flying felt like. I've always been a catious boy but I found my self in your eyes, and I lost myself in that kiss. I never expected this or you to come along and flip my whole world. I haven't touched the ground yet. I don't think I can. I'd rather be blinded by the clouds than realize I'm crashing down. So I'll keep those happy thoughts close enough so I don't drown.
Breath like its your last breathe. Take it in till your lungs explode. It's lost all its momentum I'd run this race until the leaves turned gold, my legs turned cold, with protest screaming we couldn't carry my soul anymore. And even then my ghost would leave my body just to find you.. That much further it would say, close it's eyes and pray for strength. Finish line is near. I can hear them cheering. Or maybe it's in my head I can't tell between the pain. But it keeps me running, your voice is the chorus to all the things I tend to hear. So I'll just run until you say I'm done. Collapse and breathe a sigh of relief till my body catches up With me
More random stuff that just pops out. Pretty weak and stuff but oh well. Just thinking.
So last night and today were awesome. Talked and stuff.. a lot. I can tell she's still mad, but I appreciate her effort so much.
It's just so obvious. Then I get to read awesome tweets from her friends about "Unneeded Stress" aka me.. I'm not stupid. I know she talks to her friends about stuff, but really.. That hurt. What did I ever do to her.. oh well. Just someone else I'll have to prove wrong.. Un a good way.
Idk now I just feel like shit. All I want to do is spend time with her.
This new Saves the Day cd, especially Undress Me really hit me. I'm loving this song.
"Here's hoping and praying at it's finest and let it be a reminder.."
I have so many thoughts and emotions going on right now. It's insane.
I believe in me. I've never said that before. I've never had the best self esteem or confidence, but I can honestly say with everything I've dealt with and been through in my life. I believe in me.
I look at my grandpa and grandma and all I see is true love. My grandpa is actually 10 years older than my grandma. 88 and 78. For as long as I can remember my grandfather has always been one of my heroes. When I was younger he'd give me puzzles and make me play chess with him and checkers. Give me brain teasers just test me. And every time I would leave he would say, "I hope you know I love you" and I would always tell him "I hope you know I love you grandpa". Then as I grew up and became a teen I hadn't seen much of them, but every time I'd go visit it never failed. He'd always tell me how much he loved me. (I think that's where I get my heart from, my family isn't one for expressing love so openly) but I hope that when I grow up I can be half the man my grandfather is. He's been through three wars, WW2, Vietnam and Korea. He would tell me how he met my grandma, that she was a dancer for the troops. Like to boost spirits and the moment he saw her he asked her out and after that it was done. He found the one. Skip ahead then back to about 7 years ago my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I didn't really know what it was at the time or what it actually meant and slowly realized what it was. It's probably the hardest thing ever to see my grandmother struggle so hard to remember my name or my dad's. It breaks my heart. But as I sit here and type this I think about my grandpa and how much he loves that woman. He had swallowed agent orange back in the military and has no stomach, he has so many ailments and is so put together I have no idea how this man is still going.. But with everything that has happened in my life and what I've learned and what I believe love to be I know the only reason he is still breathing is because he knows in his heart that he has to take care of his Maria. He won't leave this earth knowing she'll be alone. That's true love to me, it's so much more, but the willpower to live for her just to make sure she's taken care of and is never alone. He couldn't put her through having to tell her everyday that he was gone. I'll always look up to my grandpa. Because he taught me who I am and who I need to be. I love to big, but it's for a reason. I make mistakes, but we all do. He may be old and frail now, but he has the strongest heart I've ever seen. Those blue eyes pierce you, I can't even imagine what he's seen or been through. If he believes in me, one of the most amazing people I know. Then why shouldn't I believe in me.
She is the pieces to this puzzle. Most of my pieces they never fit, but she could always manage it. All my rough edges made perfectly in line with the help of those beautiful eyes. She was the reason I felt whole and could breathe. She was all that I had need.
The way she would look at me. She had a bunch of different looks and smiles. I loved all of them, but my favorite was when she would look at me and her eyes would get really big and light up and then this super big smile would follow. That's when I knew she loved me the most haha. It was the best thing ever. Then she would throw her arms around me and love on me haha. I'm such a sap it's terrible.
Wrote a song lullaby type song last night, pretty sweet. Wish I could show her.
Has to be one of my all time favorite songs.. I love it so much I learned how to play it. The one song that reminds me the most of stuff. I'm a big softy. Even my beard is soft haha. Reminds me gotta get ready for no shave november.
But I guess I really wrote this because I've been listening to Lullaby nonstop. Pretty sure it's my number one played song on iTunes or top 3. Jumped up another 20 plays in the last few days haha. I'm fucking lame.
Hmm well after the horrible weekend I can say I'm looking forward to Batman Arkham City which comes out tomorrow at midnight. Haven't bought a video game in two years since God of War 3 so hopefully that will help stifle my thoughts for a while.
Sucks cause I go to my grandparents and 20 questions turns into 50 questions. All excited to meet her and my parents make me go even when I don't want to. I love them tho. Hmmm what else is new. Sorry to whoever reads this I'm trying to make this as least pathetic as I can.
hmmm can't wait to snowboard.. Can't wait for halloween.. Seems that this stuff always happens around this time so it becomes my shit show. Why stop the trend now haha. I know it'll be nuts for sure. people think I'm so calm and quite, but I'll drink their happy asses under the table. I just hope Ruben isn't there haha. Mother fucker always challenges me. Last year he handed me a glasses and said drink.. ended up being four shots. Bastard.