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(Sometimes) Witty Banter
|Dear Warped Guy
|Dear Guy Who Runs Warped Tour,|
First of all, yes, I know you're name, but right now I don't feel like using it. In many societies, using one's name intimates a close relationship with another, a friend, if you will, and this, sir, is not what I want to be with you. We are at odds I feel over some choices about this years Warped Tour. I know, I know, you've heard this all before "we hate Brokencyde," etc, etc. This little missive isn't what that is about. It involves Brokencyde, yeah, but also the Millionaires and god knows who else. It came to my attention recently that the Millionaires were caught lip-synching at warped tour when their track skipped. They were left flustered and unsure of what to do. To this, all I can do is start a slow clap. I mean, really, not knowing how to go with the flow? Even Ashley Simpson recovered fairly quickly from her little disaster on SNL a couple years ago. Then again, she's a consummate performer compared to the likes of the two aforementioned bands. This is not saying much. So, to this issue of lip-synching, I have some questions that I really, really hope you can answer. I will put them in a bulleted list to make reading easier:
1. Why did you let bands like this on the tour to begin with? This questions seems to be a crux of many arguments. I understand Warped is for a wide variety of music, that it allows for all sorts of "scenes" to come together, but these two groups seem more fit for a festival like Z100's (NYC) Jingleball, where they flaunt the latest talent to come from the minds of some fat old men sitting in offices writing songs for twenty-somethings to shake their asses and fake tits to in order to sell music. (Sidenote: Do you think when those girls are growing up they think specifically about selling their soul to the devil in order to be seen as a sex symbol?)
2. How much of this is about money? Seriously, I understand this is undertaken as a way to m bring music to the people (it sounds very communist when it is put that way) but now that Warped is over a decade old, does that matter to you anymore? This seems to be the way that most punk-related music festivals go. Look at Skate and Surf--gone. Look at Bamboozle--the headliners include, among other odd choices Fifty Cent, that are decidedly not in any way related to the music scene. I know it brings in revenue, but are you aware you, too, are selling your soul like those ladies mentioned in point 2.
3. What about real bands? There are plenty of bands that have busted their asses to reach a stage even remotely close to Warped, and now they are being shut out in favor of ways for you to make money and embarrass yourself, frankly.
4. What about real bands? Ah, you see my little literary device here, repetition. I feel it was necessary to get across the enormity of this point. Have you been to NJ recently, or really any time in the past fifteen years or so? Do you know how many bands there are? There are probably as many bands as there are stray cats or Chinese restaurants (Though the stray cat number may be reduced by the Chinese restaurants significantly, it is still quite high--another bad thing but that letter would be addressed to other people). Anyway. Those bands, the ones that deserve it. What about them? I understand having bigger bands, they are your main draw, but groups like Brokencyde and Millionaires aren't big. Big in the sense that the majority of the crowd at Warped, the kids who bust their asses at Starbucks and McDonalds and on paper routes (and inevitably the group who just get their parents to buy them a ticket) think they are big. I know, when I was younger, Warped Tour was the highlight of my summer. I could see friends, snag some cool, cheaper merch and see a ton of bands that I absolutely loved. Now, I fear, I will not be returning. Warped has been, well, warped.
You are serving the kids a lie, man. I do not appreciate this.
p.s. I'm sure you will have plenty of people defending you about business tactics and shit, but I do not care about that. I've said my piece.
|Tags: Kevin Lyman, Warped Tour, Sad, Life, Disappointment, Asshole