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War All The Time
|I need you so much closer.|
I need you so much closer.
I need you so much closer.
The breeze blows in from the east, whipping my already tattered hair back into my eyes. I pause, and wipe the salt and the grime off of my hands, moist with the spray dashed from the shore through the air. The balancing act of walking across these dunes is one that has been performed for hundreds of years. Giving, and taking, sliding, falling, bits, pieces, fragments of earth beneath your feet. The dunes give and take as they please, leaving you to be the dancer atop their amorphous table.
Everything is sand on a beach.
A thin mist of vapor through the air.
The girl gazing from across the way.
I will wonder if she was ever really there.
People are not good to each other. People are not good to each other.
We need to learn to spend less time wrapped up in our worry of letting ourselves become vulnerable. We should be vulnerable. To be vulnerable is to be open as a real human, and I have been searching for years, and sweet Jesus, I find less and less real humans the more I look. Too many words are left unsaid. Too many opportunities are ignored. Disregarded. Not given a second glance.
For why? Fear. Rejection. Worry. Inconvenience.
Fuck it. We are real people.
I choose Honesty over Vulnerability. I choose Love over Fear.
|Tags: journal, blog, personal, Ambien
| I just realized I have been sitting here for 20 minutes with headphones on my head, but there was no music playing. Silly me. I can't sleep.|
It seems like time is once again running out before I have to make a decision. I should have been going to school at Portland State this semester, but the money wasn't working out, so I couldn't. It was really disappointing.
I have to make a choice of whether to stay here, or to go to somewhere like Georgia State. It's in state, so it would be much more affordable than having to move across the country. Unfortunately, I doubt it would be as enjoyable, but I suppose I need to take what I can get.
This semester has not started off very well at all. Nothing overwhelmingly bad has happened, but to the contrary nothing really good has happened. It's pointless when you just sleepwalk day to day, and nothing ever changes. I don't have as many friends as I did before. Most of them have gone their separate ways, some for better, some for worse. I'm kind of here by myself, so that makes me wonder if it's time for me to take a big step towards else.
I miss having fun with all those people. I never thought things would change so much, so fast. I particularly never thought that the relationships I had with those people would completely end. My fault or theirs, they ended. That happens in life, and when they do, something usually comes along and you can pick up where you left off. I'm still waiting for something to pick up and get me going with something else.
I have the highest doubts if I will find anything or anyone to do that here. The point I'm at in school just won't allow me to go out and get fucked up all the time like a lot of other kids are, and that's kind of frustrating, but also understandable. That's not totally my scene, and the people that do that nowadays aren't close friends of mine anyways. I don't even know enough people to go out on Thursday nights. It ends up me feeling awkward in a room surrounded by people that I don't really know or care about. There isn't really time left to forge all these new friendships. Most everyone else has something from the past they are holding onto and enjoying. I don't.
I'm very disconnected, and I don't know what the fuck it is that I'm looking for. I'd like to feel good about things, and that isn't happening here. It hasn't been for a long time.
I will probably flip a coin or something to figure out if I should just randomly move. It can't be any less inspiring than here, and the people couldn't be any worse.
I wouldn't miss a thing.
And there was never any place
For someone like me to be totally happy
I'm running out of clock and that ain't a shock
Some things never do change
|Tags: depression, indecision, ambien, skeet