It seems to me that I am on the right track at the very least. Things about me that have plagued my relationships and my view of myself seem to be disappearing.
Anyone who knows me would tell you that I'm self-aware. Self-reparing? That's another story. But the progress is being made. I decided to try therapy for the third time in the last two years. I'm going to focus on anger management. I have other issues like sleeping at bad times, anxiety, possible OCD, and insecurity, but anger has been the biggest and most damaging of my problems. Anger is what has led me to perform poorly in school, alienate my friends, and cause a (hopefully) temporary break with my girlfriend. I can admit that my childhood wasn't easy. I can also admit that the last few years haven't been a walk in the park. But I can't continue to dwell on these experiences and put them all on my shoulder. Because a chip on the shoulder is one thing, but the whole world is another.
Now back to me being self-aware. I am good at it, but not until I've reacted angrily and caused more damage than I ever intended. I need to be able to accept I've done something wrong without beating myself up or finding fault with someone else when it isn't there. If I forget to do something someone asked me to do, it isn't because I have a shitty dad or because that person wasn't clear enough with me. It's because I got my priorities mixed up. Does that mean I'm a completely useless person? No. Does that mean that I messed up on this specific thing. Yes. I need to clarify that in everything I do. Separate the big things from the little things.
I've been much better about this in the last few weeks. But I've been here before and I won't be fooled by my temporary progress. I'm very weary about therapy again but it is something I need. I'm not going to let them say I'm a good kid who is just stressed or accept any pills. They need to get deeper than that. They need to give me exercises and tips on how to control myself when I get these irrational thoughts. I'm paying for this, I want results. I'm sick of living my life like this and sick of pushing people away. I'm sick of having a short fuse. My career is about to begin and I need to be the person I was throughout the holidays. Fun, happy, exciting, smart, well-mannered, outgoing, and loving.
I've seen the person I can be when I'm clicking in the right way. I even find right now, that sitting here with all this Christmas money, I don't feel the urge to buy a bunch of new toys. I want to spend the money wisely, on practical things that I need. And as smart as I have been with money, I have always been a sucker for frivolous spending. But not right now. I'm picky. Maybe I'm just getting more into my major and starting to see the value of opportunity costs and lowering loss margins. Maybe I'm not relying on retail therapy to make myself happy. Because I feel happy, despite some things that are frustrating and confusing and sad right now. I feel content and confident about where I'm heading and what I'm doing right now.
This isn't where I need to be, I know that. Feeling good about myself, not being angry, and spending wisely for a few weeks during break when I've had a lot of time to relax is progress, but it isn't enough. I want to see how I respond to some actual good therapy for once, while I'm interning and taking 5 classes. I want to see what happens when something doesn't go to plan. Will I falter? Well, I don't want to anymore.
2010 is the year of execution. All the pieces are set, so I just need to go and do what I need to do. Nothing else to it. It's simple. I've been through breakdown and rebuilding and reaping some of the benefits of hard work, but now I need to execute and get results. I don't want anything less than that. So I can continue to wax poetic here, but the truth is...
I haven't been writing reviews or any parts of my stories or working on homework or doing entertainment blogs. Sure, I've written poetry, but none of it recreational. I've ditched the one word poems. I've been loving music and writing nothing about it. I've discovered all kinds of new movies and TV shows and I've been inspired and yet my last 5 or so posts have been medication to me.
I've been writing a lot of personal stuff lately. I don't know if it is the end of summer or the fact that I'm finally coming back into a routine instead of this spontaneous, sultry lifestyle. I don't know what it is, but this is what I've been inspired to write about lately. I get it. I know people don't want to read it. But I don't care. People are disappointments. People are unreliable. People are selfish. So I don't care if I'm doing a bit of that myself.
I've been thinking lately. Thinking about friends and who you think they are. I've been thinking about how much you are supposed to keep in touch with people you live far away from. I don't know what an acceptable amount is. I don't know how busy life is supposed to keep all of us. I don't know how much time we are supposed to set aside for our friends and the people we care about.
I used to believe that real friends make time and the people that matter are priority. I used to believe that we can struggle and look out for ourselves and still be there for each other. I used to believe in courtesy and righteousness. I used to believe in being there for the people you care about.
I used to believe I had a lot of people that I cared about that cared as much about me.
Hard to believe now. Very hard to believe.
I have a few people that keep me here. I don't need to name the few. I think if you assume you are one of those people, you should take a hard look at where you have been and how you've acted lately. I think the people who know they matter to me don't even need a second to consider it. They know it.
Everyone else? I don't know about any of you. I was willing to do almost anything for so many of you. Maybe we are just too young to be able to have responsible friendships. Maybe everyone is right when they say people our age are just selfish and there is nothing we can do about it. Maybe none of you really cared and enjoyed what I had to offer at the time. Whatever the reason, I don't care.
Quality over quantity. I don't need the big numbers as long as I have bigger people with bigger hearts around me.
So for those of you who don't care about how much I care? Those of you who want to tug me around and give me mixed signals? Those of you who feel like you are fine without my support or love?
I'm so fucking sick of people not keeping promises. I try to be a good person and I try to keep my word. If I'm not sure I can do something, I don't commit to it. And even when I say I can't but I find a small window of opportunity to do it, I do. When I do commit to something, I do it at least 95% of the time. When I slip up, I make it up in some way.
I've been trying very hard to keep my faith in people. I've been trying very hard to give the benefit of the doubt. I've been trying very hard to not let it get to me.
But I can only keep this unwavering trust for so long... and eventually I'm just not going to trust anyone anymore. I'm already on my way there.
And why the hell am I writing this here? People don't read this and the ones that do aren't going to change their ways because of a stupid blog.