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| lauren<3s music's Blog
| | 16 held such better days |
adam's song was one of the first songs that really made me think back in the day. it came on today while i was driving and it always makes me feel like i'm not alone. maybe there are plenty of other people who look back and look forward and wonder where happiness will land.
some days i wish i was stronger and some i wish i were weaker.
yesterday, i passed a funeral procession and we all stopped to let them go. my first thought was of this summer. my second thought was damn, i don't know who would even come to miine. who would even miss me enough to notice?
actions speak louder than words. | | Tags: blink, suicide, thoughts, friendship, funerals, missing people |
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| | are you real to me? |
i measure my friends by how many times they've stabbed me in the back. people never fail to surprise me at how fucked up they can be, but it sure is pretty god damn disappointing. i would respect more people who are up front with their asshole tendencies, don't try to disguise it as "clever" or "witty" and say what they're about, what they'll stick around for and call it a day.
drinking at 11:30 on a saturday morning is the surefire way to pick up my mood. or pick up old habits. either or sounds pretty fucking appealing right now. | | Tags: friendship or the lack thereof, honesty, liars, drinking |
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| | you know who you are |
dance until the sweat forms on your face
it wont take long to flush the poisons
i dont care where you come from
if its awful there
all of us are alone
i forget where i come from and i dont care
so whats wrong i think too much
i dont wanna fuck you
i dont wanna touch
i just want to fill you with regret
i've said it all before
its pointless
| | Tags: friendships |
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| | | | Always Keep Me Close |
One of my best friends just called me to tell me that she found another cyst and its doubled in size in less than a month.
We dance around the C word just like we did before. And the time before that. Finally we talk about the surgery and skip the what ifs. We both know the facts, the statistics, and the possibilities.
It's so unfair that someone so good who's dedicated her life to helping other people KEEPS getting screwed over. Karma must be on vacation.
Now, we have to sit around and hope for the best and fear for the worst.
Fuck. | | Tags: cancer, friendship, hope, worry |
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| | 23 |
I have felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
Im still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I wont always love these selfish things
I wont always live
not stopping
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
Ill be 23
I wont always love what I'll never have
I wont always live in my regret
Youll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here and now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Dont give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...
happy birthday to me
....old habits die hard
flames die harder
| | Tags: 23, jimmy eat world, birthdays, getting old, friendship |
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| | a few brief notes |
about people....
- a friend of my enemy is not my friend.
- if you don't want people to know something 
- friends who disappear when you need them aren't friends
- awkwardness rules my life enough as it is, please don't contribute to it.
about me...
- if you don't like me, go ahead act like i'm invisible.
- cross me. go ahead. whatever you say, it makes me laugh.
- i'm a pack rat
- i don't mean half of what i say, learn to read between the lines
- if i tell you i mean it and swear on it, i do. | | Tags: life, me, friendships, thoughts, enemies, friends |
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| | Let Down and Letting Go |
I can't begin to describe the pain that shoots through my head and my heart when I stop for 5 minutes to think of how drastically my life has gone downhill the past week(s).
When something awful like this happens you expect your friends to be there for you. You expect to be flooded with concern and offers of what can I do.
Expectations are just that, an intangible though that floats through your mind in between breakdowns. Reality is something different.
Reality is where you stare at your phone after you send out the word and don't get any response back. Reality is where your best friends are too wrapped up in their bullshit to even ASK why all the sudden you're sad, going to a funeral etc. Reality is too few people give a fuck and not being at all surprised by it.
I hope to god that one day I can find peace with this situation. Moreso than that I hope his family and friends can. I would give anything to not have them suffer. That is what friendship is about.
I need to let go a lot more | | Tags: disappointed, friendship, sad, funeral |
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| | smile |
| this morning I woke up with a smile after a peaceful night sleep. had you asked me if i thought this was possible hell even at like 9 last night, i would have said you'd lost your god damn mind. lucky for me things change. i got the random phone call i'd been hoping for. i got to curl up next to someone that wants nothing from me except to be happy and to sleep. i got to wake up this morning staring smack center at my favorite view, the tattoo which is perfectly eye level when i twist myself up into my weird sleeping knot. seeing that gives me hope. i promised myself i wouldn't miss you and either way i slice it i still do. at least for now i'm happy. we'll see what tomorrow holds... | | Tags: sleep, friendship, reunited |
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| | .... Wake the Ones You Love |
....A phone call I'd rather not receive
Please use my body while I sleep
My lungs are fresh and yours to keep
Kept clean and they will let you breathe
Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind
Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these
So I sat alone and waited out the night
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around
I'm not writing my goodbyes
I submit no excuse
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake
If I could I would shrink myself
Sink through your skin to your blood cells
Remove whatever makes you hurt
But I am too weak to be your cure
Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind
Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these
So I sat alone and waited out the night
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around
I'm not writing my goodbyes
I'm not letting you check out
You will beat this starting now
And you will always be around
I'm there to monitor your breathing
I will watch you while you're sleeping
I will keep you safe and sound...
I'm sorry you're having a shitty night. The only comfort I can provide are in these stolen words.... | | Tags: friendship, dedications |
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| | concealer |
"with fists held high
in tightened knots
the room explodes
and now this blood
is on your hands
and there's no time
for a second chance
to paint my face
with blood and tears
and cover up
an open book
that no one reads
a misspelled word
that no one knows"
strange how the people you think mean something don't.
and how random people care enough to cheer you up.
<3 listening parties
| | Tags: friendship, moods, listening party |
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| | i am in rare form |
today i have courage in the form of familiar blue and pink pills. the bitter sting against the back of my throat welcomes me right back to square one.
tonight i let myself go. fuck holding my tongue and fighting old habits, i have no reason to care anymore. these words i've been holding back are desperate for air. what's the point in holding back? I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain.
my heart is racing and my tongue feels frozen. i want so badly to scream at the top of my lungs and to be angry but instead i'm fighting back the burning twinge of tears. i'm so good at putting on a "brave face" but who am i kidding, i'm not that good of an actor.
Tonight I am suffocating. Tonight I am free. Tonight I don't give a flying fuck and tomorrow there will be hell to pay. | | Tags: fear, anger, friendships, release |
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| | Peace |
Finally I managed to sleep, I mean really sleep. It's strange how oddly accustomed to not sleeping I'd become and how foreign it felt to not have a million thoughts race through my mind as I stared at the ceiling. I have very little clue as to why last night was so much different, but I think a certain nicknameless person helped me tremendously, so thank you.
I wish I could just explain everything to everyone that mattered. Maybe a glimpse into why I've been such a basket case the past two weeks (maybe its been longer, days just seem to roll together) would make the difference. I just can't find the words.
I wish I could. | | Tags: sleep, insomnia, friendship, personal, thank you |
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| | armor for sleep, j.e.w./futures, and friendship |
this will probably be the most unorganized blog in the history of AP
Sleeping With Giants Tour
So I am a huge dork for Armor for Sleep, really it's kinda a problem. So my friend casey and i went to charlotte and saw the tour. Quality road trip from the random guys from KY who were sad we weren't going to the SF show, to the really awesome girl we sat next to on the sidewalk for 2 hours, charlotte was a fun time. The show itself was really a blast and AFS was amazing. First time I've been fortunate enough to see them and i was floored by their drummer. Really recordings don't do him justice. I was pleasantly surprised by all the other bands, especially The Rocket Summer, because i was expecting to not really be that into it. If you want a real review go here, Casey wrote an amazing one as usual. For those you who don't have the good luck of knowing her, read her stuff. Really adrian once said she's "one of the best" in reference to her reviews and that in my biased opinion is an understatement.
The pitfalls of driving
so when i drive long distances at night, i have an inevitable tradition of putting on Futures and thinking about life. I realize that Futures isn't exactly everyone's top J.E.W. album, but for some odd reason I find that no matter at what point I am in life, there's always something about it that makes it a good soundtrack for reflection.
Everyone believes that there is something that makes them special, they have a unique quality that makes them different from the millions of people in this world. I have mixed feelings on if/what actually makes me stand out. I'm cynical and honest enough to say really nothing, with the exception of maybe politics and definitely my friends.
I know most people say they love their friends and they'd die for their friends and I am certainly no exception. As I've gotten older, I realize I have a handful of people who have stuck by me through events that no person ever should and I have people who are someone to text when you are bored and waiting for your coffee. The latter take up too much space in my life and i'm finally at the point where I'm comfortable (maybe too much so) in being alone that I don't need fluff. To my true friends, I think i'd take the 'typical' statement a bit further. Without these people i know for a fact I wouldn't be around. Their fierce loyalty is astounding to me and gives me faith in humanity in general. if the few people i have can stand by someone so undeserving then we all really can't be that bad off.
i'm sure most of you don't care and didn't even read this far, but really take a minute to think about those people who will love you no matter what even if your only goal in life is to become a crazy cat lady.
other bullshit
quick random thoughts:
1. make sure you change your oil - i almost killed my car because i'm an idiot and went 6K over my last oil change.
2. really do we still need threads about how tate is unfair yadda yadda. it's been up there for like 4 hours! accept that its his site he can do what ever the fuck he wants and get your panties out of a knot.
3. construction on sunday morning at 7 am should be outlawed.
4. anton's blog about spiders may have been the funniest thing that i have ever read in my entire life. its the second time this weekend i've laughed so hard i've cried.
5. i will never again date/like/talk to boys in shitty bands. i may not have a single creative bone in my body but i know shit when i hear it... | | Tags: friendship, personal, |
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