Well, that mutual friend I mentioned in the last blog talked to her, and it was pretty clear to her that there was no real interest, even though that friend still wants me to push for it. She seemed to take it harder than I did, which was weird. It didn't really even phase me. That worries me to a certain extent because I used to be this outwardly emotional and honest person, and for whatever reason it didn't happen this time. Maybe I took the rejection harder than I thought, or maybe I'm looking for an answer where there shouldn't be a question. It almost feels weird being okay with this, but I'm glad that I didn't take it hard.
Almost a month after a near mental breakdown due to a rejection, I'm back on my feet, and ready to play the game again. Even though it feels like a very short time after to me, I've accepted the fact that there was never anything there (A funny side note, one of my friends asked her out last week, got shut the fuck down, another one of my friends is probably gonna do it also, I put my money on him from the beginning, even over me, this kids got a shot) and I'm better from it. I probably won't fall that hard again, and I almost certainly won't get in so goddamn deep. I spent almost the entire day texting a mutual friend of a new girl that I'm thinking about. Maybe there will be something there, maybe there won't be, but I'm not going to be as vulnerable this time around.
As far as reviews go, I'm working on Russian Circles, Past Lives, Mogwai, Fucked Up, Johnny Foreigner, and one for Weezer's Pinkerton which is one of my favorite records of all time.
Saturday - Spent a lot of time at my friends house playing the new Spiderman game, it sounds lame, it is lame, we felt like losers, but goddamnit was it fun. After that we headed to the only place we ever go in our town, we kindly refer to as 'uptown' but it's really just a bunch of crappy stores grouped together. There's a Barnes and Noble, a whole foods, and wallgreens. We met our friend Emma and later met Irina. We hung out for a while, went to the Boy Scout run haunted house, then back to Emma's. I only had one decent opportunity to ask her out, and I didn't think there would be enough time. Goddamn.
Sunday - Went to lunch, played Madden, watch 'Raising The Bar' on demand. Watched 'House'. found out my dog likes Northstar because he was chillin' out to 'Broken Parachute EP' while we were watching house (did i just say chillin'?). Around 10 30 I sat down and was able to focus long enough to churn out three medium length reviews.
Nothing really special happened, except that I feel deeper into my self-induced lack of sanity.
It's one in the morning on Saturday, I'm sitting at my computer with a large list of personal and professional things I'd like to get done this week.
Ask out Irina
Write Forgive Durden review
Write Person L review
Decide whether to Write Anthallo/The Love Willows Reviews
If yes, write those reviews
E-mail FD's manager and lock down interview
If interviews get's set up, start to prepare
Finish typing up Kevin Devine Interview
Do all of my homework
Until the first one gets done, nothing besides the last one will. This situation is consuming my entire being. I have a lot of things to get done, but every time I try to put my focus on working, it turns into a secluded self-destructive thought session. I'm hoping that once I ask her out, the tortured thoughts will disappear and I'll be able to sit and think without putting my mental health on a platter for hungry dogs.
Even though it's been a shitty personal week, school and work wise it's all been pretty good. I've gotten some good stuff this week. As I get more acclimated with people and labels things will start to come easier, but the highbeam's small size makes some of these albums hard to get. In the last week though, I've gotten a few big releases through managers that I've worked with or new people. It's always exciting.
Hopefully that first paragraph will change into something positive and my personal world will be filled with happiness. At this point, I'm not even nervous anymore. I've thought about it so much that anything I would think of right before I asked would have already been over-analyzed to nothingness anyway. Razia's Shadow has really helped me this week. The storyline has given me something to think about and analyze besides my own life for a few hours, it's refreshing.
So if you read my previous blog, I was planning on asking out this beautiful girl that I've had a major crush on for a few weeks. I set the date for yesterday, and came to school amped up and prepared. I was going to do it before school, because that's the only time I've ever seen her sitting alone. When I walked past her locker, where she normally was, the only people were two of her friends. So I shrug and walk off a little discouraged. I postpone it until today and get on with my life. Today, the entire locker space was empty, so I again have had to postpone this again, she is almost always talking to one of her friends any other time I see her. Hopefully I'll be able to get it in tonight, but who the hell knows, with my luck, probably not.
Musical note: I just got the new Jeremy Larson album, and it's fantastic stuff. Definitely a good thing to pick up if you're a fan of Copeland or Lydia. I also just downlaoded the new This Town Needs Guns album, which is amazing. In the next week I expect to be getting This Providence/Forgive Durden from FBR for review.
Holy shit. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but I think tomorrow I'll be asking out the girl that I have been endlessly rambling about in this little blog of mine. It's really only 6 words, but they are they hardest for me to say. I have trouble believing myself saying that I'll do it, as I blew two opportunities today to ask her. The prospect of her saying yes is exciting but the also realistic possibility that she'll say no is terrifying. Hopefully I'll stay optimistic long enough to do this, but knowing me, I probably won't, but I hopefully will. To be perfectly honest, I just want to know what she'll say, the ignorance is killing me.
September was a roller coaster ride (that probably started somewhere in hell). I fell head-over-heels for one of my friends, asked her to homecoming and she said yes. I was ignored for a great deal of the dance (which we were at for around an hour), but we went back to my friends house and talked for a really long time. So, I thought about asking her out after that, but I guessed it would be best to just not do anything. Ever since then, I've spent most of my time sitting listening to intricate, simple. beautiful music, which has been nice. But leaving myself to the wrath of my thoughts and feelings was not. I've probably forced myself through a lot of this, for my own twisted introspective curiosities. I wish I could figure out how I think, so I could predict what happens next. However, as I sit her right now listening to Minus The Bear (a little more complicated, it adds flavor) I'm still flipping through ever possible scenario if I ask her out. We hung out and talked for a while yesterday, but I can't tell what she thinks of me. If she were to say yes, I'd be on top of the fucking world, but if she said no, I'd probably just listen to a lot of Bright Eyes (and I mean a lot of Bright Eyes) and eventually move on. Either way, I just need to know what she thinks, this ignorance is killing me. I figure that most of this is just me screwing myself up, maybe I think more because of it, or maybe it's hurting me in some other way. I don't know, and I don't think there is any possible way to find out. It's 1 in the morning and I could easily spend another hour thinking, and probably will. Fuck this. It's all my own mind fucking with me, but there is nothing I can do about it, I'm probably in too deep, but I don't know what else to do. If you have any suggestions a comment or PM would be great.