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|You can't swing if you don't use your arms.
|Hey! It's me again. Nothing has changed. Hair still ridiculously long, still cherubic and generally physically hit or miss unattractive. Still at a crossroads in my mind. Fortunately things could always be worse, so who am I to complain?|
It's been hard for me to talk. Even in this way, this much. I don't know what to say about anything anymore. Not that my focus has been deterred, if anything it's been strengthened. I just...don't have a valid opinion to stick behind. I guess I'd rather admit that I don't know than exercise my knowledge openly. It could just be that I don't argue as much, being under submission without much concern. So if this ends up a little confusing and nonsensical, trust me, I'm trying to wrap my head around it as well.
Eh, let's start with something easy to talk about: MUSIC!
GOODGOODGOODGOODGOOD stuff has finally started to sink in, and I've listened to a lot of fucking music lately. It's unhealthy almost. Nah, never. Shall we?
Fucked Up- David Comes To Live (more punk rock than you can ever need in a year. not to say that there's not any other essential albums of the genre [see: Iceage- New Brigade] in the 2011 family, but Fucked Up continue to push the limits of hardcore like no other band does)
Maritime- Human Hearts (feel-good album of the year. so far.)
Foster The People- Torches (undeservedly too popular if you ask me, but then again that kind of music is meant to be. here's to living up those 15 minutes, guys.)
Born Of Osiris- The Discovery (Tech/Prog/Death that took me a while to come around to. but was it worth the wait...)
Battles- My Machines [single] (worth the instrumental version, as well as the B-side, "A.M. Gestalt")
Hands- Give Me Rest (i don't care if they're a christian band, this album is the missing link between post-metal and post-hardcore)
Honorable Mention: Dredg- Chuckles and Mr. Squeezy (positively boring. and that's being nice. but there are a couple of gems)
It's been a great year for music.
It's been a great year for a lot of things. It's all the same. Good things happen, bad things happen. Bad things usually overshadow the good. Good things are fed into "progress" and society trends one way or the other, any extremes only exist to document and make strides meeting somewhere together in the middle and disintegrate. Life ends. Life goes. Existence sustains behind various backdrops. Foes soon become friends. Friends keep their enemies close. Competition, along with supply and demand stabilize a deteriorating comfort of available resources while technology strives to bring about answers to a never-ending bastion of humanity's questions. And we'll never know what it all means. And we'll unwillingly force ourselves forward. And we'll all try to make the best of what's given to us.
I've been really moody lately, a jerk, asshole, defiant- if you will. And I don't feel bad about it. That feels good to say.
Which brings me to the heart of this shit. The nitty gritty. Not that I have secrets, or shit that I've had to get off of my chest. It's the constant pressure I put on myself to deal with unimportant issues. I resist to seek attention, but you never hear of notorious attention-seekers without their own problems. I'm just uncomfortable. One big insecurity that has leeches sucking out my confidence. Where did it go? I need it back. I'm ready to love. I have too much of it to keep to myself. I'm not looking for a ring on my finger or a spit image. As a matter of fact I'm not even looking. I don't even know how deep I want to go. Love is blind, and I already have a fold over my eyes, a handicap. I just want connection, feeling, physical torture, tension two people can't deny. I am not this hellbent on self-validation. I was born to co-exist. It's my insignia, written on my face, the heart on my sleeve. I'm entirely co-dependent in every way. It's a sure fire weakness, it's a slow-burning affirmation, it's a constant thought in my head!
Okay, maybe I'm not the best person to be alone in a post-apocalyptic world. And this bitch-fest was long-coming. I've just been anxious to explode, and doing it this way prevents you from seeing the defeated look on my face as I'm sitting Indian-style on a bed full of memories and enough springs to suspend this heavy mind and body. I'd like to think my heart is just that big but I'm not about to pull it out. Haha.
Anyway, I'm just tired of making myself feel like a loser all the time. It's the kind of thinking that pushed the one girl I loved away, the entire ignorance of what greatness I had in front me. She let me go for all the right reasons, I am a self-proclaimed nervous wreck and it's better that I won't be making her life harder for any foolish reason. It's a lesson I'm not comfortable learning right now. It's much easier to be negative. I need to be a little harder, get a little less sleep at night. Learning the hard way is the best way. I can't make mistakes again.
I'll tell you what, I'm making you a promise. I'll keep looking forward to the next day. I may not be satisfied with this one, but the whole gist of this life thing is that over time you see the big picture and it gets better. Like what they tell gay and lesbian folks who are facing animosity. I'm no homosexual or homophobe but that statement is indeed true. Once I start skipping my blue period for roses and mixed cd's for ladies again is when I see myself being on the right track. Everything else is just gravy, it's occupations, it's work. Love is the dream. It's all you need. I'm not desperate, and I'm still very young. But life is short and I have a whole hell of a lot to give.
It's just a shame that this is as far as my confidence goes.
|Tags: insecure, honest, figuring shit out