As has been said about a billion trillion times so far this year, 2011 has been pretty good as far as music that I like. I don't know if it's been great for music you like, but for me, yes. But also, isn't it kind of weird when we say "music" is better this year than a previous year? There's always great stuff out there if you're looking - so I'm less inclined to judge a year based on another year - at least in terms of musicality. In life, there are certainly better years than others. And knock on wood, this one has been pretty good. Two weeks into the job, I'm contributing. My apartment is awesome, my roommates are nice. It's working out! For now. I hate that I have to include a "for now," but that is the superstitious/pessimist in me. And that little guy, though still handsome, will always be a part of me.
BUT ANYWAYS, I just wanted to highlight a song that I find to be one of the most special from this year. It's called "Parts in Different Places" and it is by NY's own Moving Mountains. Check out a vid and lyrics below. If you like big sweeping rock numbers, maybe like Muse but darker?, you'll probably dig on this.
Idk, in response to my last post from God knows how long ago, maybe the best way to live is to have at least some of the answers. The not knowing is exciting for a while, but boy does it take a toll. Life is unpredictable and that's fine, its just, can't we ever be allowed to see our destiny before it smacks us in our fucking face?
Just ignore me, I'm working through some stuff the only way I know how. Life goes on. We go on. And that's all we can really ever know.
"So I'm nailing shards of hope together to put something over my head."
I've started a blog centered around The Upsides a couple of times now, but each time I've erased the ordeal midway. I'm not sure why, other than the fact that I can't really say anything other than: This record has touched me. It's a near perfect encapsulation of being a 20-something teenager in this very strange decade. Now, it should be obvious that I don't actually know if these years are any more strange than any other decade because I have no real point of reference other than VH1's programming. And also I don't watch network news because they don't show network news on TBS. But whatever I lack in hindsight or foresight or mediumsight, I think I make up for in gut feeling. It just seems like things get weirder everyday, and that can be kind of a bummer.
But if this record has taught me anything, and it has taught me something, it's that feeling ok one minute and then feeling pretty terrible the next and then making a joke about the whole thing is more than normal, it's life. Even though it's called simply The Upsides, there is an inherent implication that to have an upside there must have been a side that was, you know, not up. So you make it through that part of the rollercoaster, that moment where you might just lose your lunch, and then it's onward and upward. Or whatever cliche/metaphor you feel like using. The point is, there's more. Especially at 22 (and 3/4!).
I've got nothing currently to be sad or disgruntled about at this moment, which is more than awesome, but it's still nice to have a record like this to reaffirm some of the places my head's been at during these last, oh i don't know, 6 or 7 years.
There's a line here that some people may pass off as jokey stupidness, but shocker, it's stuck with me: "And I don't think that I love anything the way that some people love Morrissey. It's just that nothing speaks to me like that." I think we've all felt that way, like we look around and see everyone else in the midst of merriment and self-affirmation, and it's one of those moments where we hate people for being happy and then hate ourselves for not allowing those people to be happy. I think this is called human nature, but I may be wrong. Either way, I think that particular line showed me that everyone else's happiness is my happiness, too. So enjoy, even during the bad times. Because there will always be more until there isn't.
Let me explain my situation. I'm sitting in a pitch-dark bedroom. The lights are off because I turned them off. The glow of the computer illuminates my portion of the room, but I sort of hate it because, as we all know, "It's bad for your eyes!" So I'm here and this is my situation. And I have to live with it.
The last 6 weeks have been, well, weeks. A holding pattern. Each day brings me closer to something in the future that I can't understand. I could be referencing my impending school schedule, but I think I'm referencing the black hole that is my future.
Do you know what it's like to fail?
And you know, all of this free time has been trying. I lollygag around the Internet looking for inspiration. And boy do I find it. I see writing/art/photography, all of it wonderful. And I think, "How do these people do that?! How did they think of that?!" But instead of inspiration I find that black hole again. I begin another meaningless crossword puzzle.
This self-loathing shtick is getting old, believe you me. It's not really loathing, it's just a weird sense that I can do something else. Not necessarily something better, just "else." But what that "else" is totally eludes me. And with all that said, I've been given an opportunity to turn this black hole into anything. Maybe it's not "black", rather it's "Blank." I can work with "Blank."
Yes, I like that idea. Just let me work through this. We're getting places!
So I'm sitting and it's dark and music is playing. Am I unhappy? Absolutely not. In fact, I feel great. I truly do. This is a healthy fear and a healthy process. Moving again and all that, yeah, whatever. It's not scary even though it should be. You can't prepare to be "alone." You can only prepare for how long you'll let yourself be alone. Loneliness is but a choice.
Which I guess brings me to the next point.
I finally feel ready to mentally unpack the wedding I attended this past weekend. My brother and his beautiful bride are off in Mexico. They are two people who certainly deserve some time away. They are two people who are destined to make it. As much I can sit here and bemoan the ambiguous life goals ahead of me, it's reassuring to see a couple who know exactly what they want from this world.
And the simple answer is that they only want each other. Why didn't I think of that? And in the back of my mind these past few months, when I thought, "I could never get married this early. I'm not ready. I'm not strong enough", I was incorrectly chastising myself.
Now before I go down this road too far, let me say that I don't necessarily believe my life would be any more complete with a hot girlfriend on my arm. All I'm saying is that it's not incorrect to know at an early age what you want.
It's not wrong to have started painting your canvas. (Is that the last metaphor for this blog? Let's hope so. )And the more I thought about this, the more it made sense for me personally. For me, who typically derides the notion that we must look to elders and old dudes for guidance, and then say that, "You can't know what you want at this age!" is just silly. It's hypocritical, really.
Nobody had to tell them they were ready for marriage. They just knew. They knew that what they needed at this point in their lives was each other. And if you can know yourself AND another person that well at 24, well hallelelujah! you've done it!
Then I watched those two look into each other's eyes while the minister read them their rights (or whatever he does) and each of their faces said the same exact thing, paraphrased of course, "Will this guy shutup so we can be together already!" And it was cute and I felt my knees buckle a little bit. Because it hit me that isn't that what we all want? We just want everyone to get out of the way so we can get to that happy place. Whether that's a high school sweetheart at the age of 24 or whether that's another challenge in another anonymous city, we just need to move towards it. Quickly. Get there. (I sound like a bad athletic shoe advertisement.) Take as much time as you need to figure it out. You can rush once you know what you're after. But I now know it's in my power to turn a negative black hole into a positive blank canvas. It's me that can seek out that special person/it/thing/opportunity.
So let's get out there and make our knees buckle. Even if it is just a little bit.
I think I've got the next ad where I want it to be. Now it's just a matter of showing it to the class. I like the aesthetic of it, but I won't be surprised at all if I get called out for it being "done before." My partner and I can't recall a certain ad, but the teacher's been around and if it's been out there, he'll know it. I'm not attached to the idea at this point, so if it goes down in flames, I'm okay with it. However, it does look pretty good and I like how the writing evolved from the initial idea. The tagline is the title of this post and also how I feel. Let's keep moving forward and soon I'll be home on a break and then I'll be home for xmas and then I'll be taking 6 hours and creating constantly.
Life could suck, but life could also be great.
Also, if it's going to be this cold, it might as well snow.
p.s.: The title of this Anathallo song I'm jamming to is funny considering the ad I just made. Didn't plan that. RANDOM COINCIDENCESSSSSS
Can't believe two weeks of school have already flown by. I've been kept quite busy lately and I actually have 2 mini assignments due in both of my classes tomorrow. Bummer dude. Once I actually motivate myself to begin, I should be alright. And one has to be finished by 5 today, so that's pretty good motivation.
This weekend was fun, hung out at nancy's on thursday and we had delicious mexican food at el maguey's. Saw Erin for the first time in forever (she'd been in France) and we watched ol' John McCain give his "speech." Riveting stuff.
Friday I had a group meeting until like 5 and after being on campus all day, was thoroughly exhausted. I came home and laid down and then we watched anchorman and that was pretty much it. It was the first night I had been able to just lay around since I got back to school. Sounds kinda anti-social, but I needed a recharge.
Saturday was of course the glory returning to MU: home football games. We did some tailgating before the night (!!!) game and walked over to the stadium for kickoff. We then scored about a bajillion points in a row. I'd never seen a game packed with that many people, and then I'd never seen that many people leave at halftime when we were up 42. Haha. We stayed a bit longer, but it was just too boring of a game at that point. We had taken out all of our starters and still won by like 50. Ridiculous. I hope for the same thing next week. I don't want any close gams this early.
Let's see, in random news, the journalism school I attend is 150 years old this week. Lots of alumni and events will be here. I'm gonna stop by and see what's up since they cancelled any J classes on thursday and friday. I only had one, so it wasn't as awesome as I hoped it would be. I think I'm going to get a haircut. I have a review lined up for Blakfish and maybe Makeout Party or maybe Second Hand Rumours (note the "ou", love that!)
It's 8:25 AM here, and we are about to go on a big ol' tour of London. Not sure why it has to happen this early, but oh well.
Last night we went all around Earl's Court and took over pub after pub after pub. Funny thing, though, is that most people there were americans, too. Everyone here is american. Our british neighbor... is American.
There's six of us in this apartment (damn me if I call it a flat). 4 mizzou kids, one kid from UM-St. Louis and one from Western Missouri. All good guys and I'm chilling on a top bunk bed a la first semester of freshman year.
Out of order, I apologize, but the Air India flight was baller. Chicken curry for dinner and Mama's Boy on the screen for a movie (featuring Jon Heder!!!!). Flight attendants know what's up, they keep you well fed and satisfied.
Alright, I better go get dressed. Just wanted to update quick since we finally (!!!) got our internet working correctly.