I no longer have anonimity with this blog. It's been compromised.
I should have never told anyone about it. I don't mind randoms reading it. They don't have an inside persepective and 99% of them don't care what I write or am saying. They don't even know what I'm talking about.
But the fact that a select few know about it and can read it sucks. I can't be 100% honest and truthful in it anymore. I guess I could, but I'm sure I'd piss someone off or something.
I no longer have this as an escape to speak freely to myself, to put it down on "paper" and get it off my chest. Now it's purely a way to update or get somethings out.
Idk what I'm gonna do. I might have to retire this.. I'm tired of this.
i'm tired of being a good person and being real and truthful and some how everything I do gets flipped and becomes me doing something wrong..
I guess I just have to accept that it's all my fault. Because that's all I keep hearing. How I'm the one who messed up, how it's my fault I was too complacent. But you didn't speak up about it once. I did everything I could to motivate and help you grow, but even that was taken as me saying you're not good enough. It's just all these twisted views you had on everything. I could never win, because everything I say is taken out of context, even when I try to explain by then it's too far gone and you just don't believe me. I'm quite, I don't speak my mind unless I'm asked to. I always answer truthfully, almost to truthfully. Just the way I am, you always accused me of not loving you, but I'm the one who loves your for you. You obviously don't love me for me or you'd realize how I am and who I am. Loyal to a fault. Introverted. Hard. Caring. Sweet. Oblivious.
It's you either love that person and who they are and all their faults or you don't and just want them to change.. I never asked you to change, everything I ever did was to help motivate and get us on the right track, but every step I took forward you decided to make a decision for you.
Not us. I always thought of US, and you decided what was always best for you. You treat me like I hate religion or something, or that I hate you for being religious. I grew up in a hardcore Catholic family, I was forced to go to church every week until I was 14.. I'm just not so close minded to believe everything that's fed to me from people who don't know shit. I look things up, I research. I make up my own mind. I don't just rely on things I can't prove and such. I'm sorry we don't see eye to eye on that, but it still doesn't mean I don't respect you or your views. Or that we couldn't see eye to eye. I'm willing to go to church with you and to do all those things. But you weren't even willing to talk to me about most anything. You'd expect me to know something was bothering you and to fix it. Or claim I never talked to you, which is a blatant lie. You just choose to forget the times we talked super deep and I'd little by little reveal things about me. Then you'd let it sit and blow up. Saying you have to think of the future. But you're only thinking for yourself. You don't see me in your future or you'd have done the things I brought up and said that needed to be done.
I know I have to do things too, but even then I'm still doing them for US, finishing my degree for US, because I sure as fuck don't need it. I could live here in ABQ my whole life making bank. But no, I talked to you and haven been doing what I said I'd do.. Everyone is a little seflish. I am. You're supposed to be mine. But where you're selfish with your life. The decisions you've made didn't include me and you knew that when you made them. yet, even now still, everything I do, say or think always has you in mind.. I've grown a lot from my last relationship. We were on and off for four years and official for about the past year. Never during that four years did I even contimplate seeing someone else. I just don't get how someone can say all the things you say without seeing what I have done and what I do for you
I'm not dumb. You block me then add a stupid handle to your insta.. What do you expect me to think. There's more to that then you admit.. Absolutely destroyed me. After having a good mental state this weekend and being positive, missing you.. And this fuck ass is your grace or whatever..
So easily replaced. Yet the people closest to me, Rob, Delila and even Jacob tell me how much they know I'm worth. I don't even realize it until they really say it. It means a lot. So when I get replaced that quickly it just makes me think even more that I can't believe things you've said to me.
My luck I should have known immediately once I started feeling okay that something like that would pop up or happen. Always does.
I've been through this too many times to not see it. It's always my fault. The one who bends, but the one no one will ever bend for. All I hear are words now. The word love has lost so much meaning to me over the years.
Andrew, use to tell me I was so perceptive and could sympathize with anyone. That I have a healing presence. Then recently he had mentioned how I had turned it off and that really hit me hard. Lately I've been back to my old self, but now I'm just slate.
I'm just rambling now.. I should stop before I make this four pages long.
No more social media for me. I'm tired of being the one to hold out, be true to my word. To my feelings.
It's so hard to be optimistic, I am, but it's starting to be so hard.
I haven't writen in a while and it seems like I haven't been writing as much lately. I miss it, but I never know what to write or have the motivation anymore. I should because it always helps me destress and stuff.
A lot has happened and nothing has really happened recently.
Job moved back down to the main hospital, it's not so bad. At least not as bad as I was anticipating. Staying till 5:30 isn't my favorite, but hey at least it's cake.
Missing her.. a lot. It's super hard not talking, especially when you think about them everyday, throughout the day. *long sigh*
Made some new friends, Davyd, this Brazilian mug. He's a cool kid, good people. I love meeting cool, genuine peeps. I think we'll definitely kick it more. Went to his apartment yesterday, he threw a memorial day party. It was pretty damn fun.
I'm super stoked on fall. I hate summer so much, especially August. So glad we zoomed through that month.
iPhone 6S getting announced tomorrow. Super hyped to finally upgrade from my 5. It's served me well., but it's that time. My giant man hands need something a little bigger.
New PR on bench is 221, I'm proud of that. Especially since we are mostly about strength training over anything. But I am slimming down even more and cutting up.. got 4 out of 6 abs so that's something haha.
Soon enough. Just really trying to beter myself and such. Better mentally, physically, spiritually. It's a process, but lately I've been in such a positive and good attitude/mood.
That moment when you realize they're probably not gonna come back..
That's all you want, all I want, I mean.
She's too good for me. I have that luck tho. I find amazing women and they all leave me.
They don't get it. She's more than anything I could have hoped for, but the problem lies in me not being good enough for them, for her.
They always leave.
Ever since I was young. All I ever wanted was a movie like love, recently watching Say Anything... for the first time just reinforced that and brought it back to the forefront of my mind. (It also made a few things make a lot more sense. References and quotes and such)
But yeah, it was a good movie. Idk what I'm getting at.. I guess I'm just realizing I need to make myself even better. I've worked on so much the last few years, but I guess I have more work to do. If I ever want anyone to actually want to keep me.. ha.
So.. found out these two bands, two of my favorite bands, Brand New being my favorite of all time finally decided to come to Abq, NM.
Not only are they coming, but they're coming together... and I got tickets. It sold out in under an hour.
I've been freaking out about it since it was announced about two weeks ago. Now that I finally have a ticket I can finally relax.
I would cry if I missed this show. But that isn't happening. I've only seen Brand New once back in 07'. Had to fly all the way to New Orleans for that show with Thrice. Was pretty amazing.
I've only seen Circa once... which was acoustic. Their last show here sold out as well.
I haven't been this stoked or excited on a show in ages. I don't care if I see another show all year. This is the end all be all.
The day you realize you gave up everything because of nothing. I won't be there to make it better.
Gave up everything because of Instagram. Because I liked someone's pictures.
You hold that to the equivalent of me cheating? That is the most immature childish thing I have ever heard. After I went through and deleted pretty much everyone I didn't know last night.
I can't let you keep destroying me after I keep giving you pieces of me. Pieces I've never shown anyone. That are continuously thrown by the wayside.
You could teach a man how to survive, give them life, but the one time you misstep will out weigh everything that's come before. Like it meant nothing.
Yet here I am again at home because I can't even sit at my desk without welling up with frustration, anger, tears. I wanted and have given you everything, but you couldn't give me anything. Someone who grew up so privileged and in so many places, you'd think they'd have a better understanding. But it comes out and it's "me me me".
I didn't do anything wrong except like a few pictures that meant nothing to me. Images. Yet, I only showed you how much I loved you.
You did this to me again. You left me and said you were never coming back. But I was dumb enough to believe you loved me enough.
I don't want to see you in my dreams anymore. Every night since you left.
The reason everyone leaves is because you push them away. Yet I hadn't and was just waiting.
I must be a complete idiot to let the same person break my heart this many times..
I just laugh at my conversation with Devan from the other day. He asks me, "are you still seeing Amber, why don't you marry her?" My answer.. "Yeah, I am. I might, I want to, I love her a lot"
It just blows my fucking mind. It blows my mind how quickly shit changes. I'm done being hurt and destoryed. Now I'm just fucking pissed.
The thing that hurts the most is knowing they don't give a shit. Like nothing, like I was a feather in the wind. Passing in the breeze, meaningless.
But what's new. At this rate I don't want to date anymore, I don't want to be married. I hope and probably will be single until the day I die. Which is looking fine the more and more I try. Besides the divorce rate is above 50%, if not well above these days.
I just have so much to say that will never be heard. I'll keep it to myself as usual. You should know those melodies and songs I write were because of you, but you never thought about it or cared. You just thought it was music I was writing. It's one of the ways I would express my emotions or feelings, but you didn't see that. You just see things in black and white and not everyone or everything is black and white.
I showed it the best way I knew how. But it was never enough. I was never enough. You set me up for failure and I passed with flying colors.
I'm just gonna go hide away in my house until I can't worry about what you're doing constantly. Until miles separate us. I gave a part of myself to three people and each has wholey destroyed it. No wonder I'm becoming so bitter.
The only thing I hope is that I imprinted a part of myself on you. So when you see what we could have been you, realize what you lost. I didn't give this up. But I will abide by what has been placed in front of me. It was never about someone better it was about you and that being all I wanted..
It's the choices you make and don't make that define you. Not the will of someone who doesn't control your life.
I promised myself I'd stop writing these pathetic blogs.. But I have to get this off my chest. It's killing me.
I'm so tired of getting hurt. Simple. I've made my mistakes and I've grown and learned a lot in the last few years.. I've been going through some big changes lately.. I bought a house, I've become more positive, I've lost 37 pounds and counting. I was trying so hard to show you how much you meant to me. I know I'm not the best at it but when you claim to love someone so much and we have such a great time together. I could tell you were falling for me and I was for you even more. I know this is why you're pulling away now. You're scared. I get it. But I don't.
You were my rock. I'd constantly text you and tell you how much I missed and loved you. You think religion is such a big deal, well it is to you. And I accepted and loved that about you. I'm sorry I have yet to have that defining moment in my life to make me devote my whole life to a book. But I believe and I do the best I can, I show respect, tolerance. I live my life just how it's taught in the bible, without the bible. I don't need church to practice my faith. I have conversations with God on my own. So that shouldn't even be an issue.
To me all these are just excuses cause you'll be moving away soon. I wanted you to stay. With me and never leave. And now I don't know what I want. I'm almost counting down the days so I don't have to worry about who you're gonna see or what you're gonna do here.
You never see how much I care because you don't want to. You don't want to lose me. So you push me away constantly so you can't get close. That's not a good way to live your life or have a relationship with anyone.
We were how love is supposed to happen. Friends falling in love. Now it's gone.
Man I fall for the wrong people it seems. Everyone fucks up. Everyone makes mistakes. The difference is how much heart you have. How much love and faith and youd never give up on them. I'm just old fashioned. I'm loyal. I'm stubborn and an idiot but when I say what I want, when I tell you I love you take that to heart. Cause I don't say it to many people and I don't say it unless I mean it..
I guess I'll be back. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to say..
They played my favorite song by them, "The Best of Me". I wasn't expecting it at all. It absolutely made my night and week.
Did something I never do yesterday. Saw the Used tonight, going to Wolf Creek to board tomorrow. And then on Monday I get my half sleeve colored in.
Oh yeah I don't think I mentioned that yet or posted about it. I'm getting a 3/4 sleeve. I already have half of it outlined and am getting the rest colored on Monday. Then setup more appts. It's a process but I can't wait till it's done. It means a lot to me.. It represents a lot of stuff that's changed me and made me who I am and was.
I must say things are alright right now. Having a great week and after getting that new job. Good vibes and directions. I'm stoked for what's coming for once in a long while.
Lots happened but I just want to actually get some thoughts out about my job and current situation.
So I've worked at Pres for 6 years almost 7 [in October]. It's a hospital if you're curious. I've always been a lax person, laid back and maybe even a little lazy. But that's only on my own time. When it comes to my work, job, profession I bust my ass. And in the last year it's come to pay me back. I'm so grateful and blessed especially in this day and economy. I started at the gift shop transferred to the front desk. Made my way to Health Records which is a greatly expanding department. Put the last three and a half years in there and moved up two positions in the last year. All from hardwork.
I've made a great foundation with my managers/bosses and continue to prove I'm a valuable asset to pres and my department. So much so that she offered me another position last week. If I accept which I am it will literally double my salary. Ill be making 50k with out a college degree.
I have to say I'm pretty proud of myself and I know my parents are. I hate money and when people talk about salaries and all that cause life is a lot more than status and money, but the fact that my hardwork got me in this position within 6 short years is where I'm most proud of.
I always give my best and expect it in return. I'm finishing up my degree slowly but surely. I just wanted to share my current situation and give a big middle finger to everyone who doubted me. The key to success is being a hardworker. You get out what you put in and being a good decent person. I'm not saint, but when it comes to work I'm professional and get things done.
I wish I could have a script of what my manager said to me and her praises cause that was enough to make me ecstatic.
I can't even believe it. 50k a year job with no degree. Eat your heart out. I'll always do what I have to.
I feel like for the first time in a long time I can breath. It feels alright. Sucks but doesn't.
I have this amazing girl right in front of me and she has been. I think it's finally time to just be okay. No more worrying, even caring and just do my thing.
I always post a Christmas blog and I guess this is it. So stoked for what's coming up. Next week is New Years and ill have completed my resolution. Year without soda. I'm pretty proud of myself. Not many people can or do follow through and finish. Also haven't had fb in a year plus now, not missing that shit either.
Also my 24th bday is the 3rd. So ready to be 24 and leave this horrible year behind. Blink was right when they said no one likes you when you're 23. Haha
Get my sleeve on the 29th and a touch up on the 21st for my chest.
Bunch of awesome concerts coming up. The Used, Pierce and Memphis, Silverstein
I have a lot to be grateful and excited for.
Here's to learning and living. And a better year. 2013
Pierce the Veil - "The First Punch"
Ps. If you're reading this Zach, which you shouldn't be. Fuck you. You'll never have her heart like I did. You'll never know her like I did. Dueces.