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Jeff Michael's Blog
|2008: The end of the beginning.
03/17/09 at 12:18 AM
|I meant to write this earlier in January, but I've been busier than I thought I would be. Well, that and my laptop is having issues with that whole 'turning on' thing. Looking back, I only had eight entries in 2008, and one of them was nothing more than me posting a (fairly disturbing) conversation in a chat room. I'll try to write more this year, as I have more that I want to say and more to bitch and moan about.|
The year went by very fast, which I'm happy for because it wasn't very productive and I was distracted by things that I shouldn't have let distract me. I feel as if I spent too much time trying to make other people happy, rather than myself. I was never at the forefront of my mind. Though in the process of that, it helped to show me not only who my true friends are, but showed me sides of people that I didn't know existed, some of which disgusted me. I'm going to use that to my advantage this year, as one of my goals is to weed out the negative aspects of my life.
The most negative of the distractions came in the last quarter of the year in the form of what may have been the most unhealthy relationship I've ever been in. It was one of those cases where you give someone multiple chances to fix their flaws because you honestly do care about them, but they refuse to. In fact, they just keep digging the hole deeper. I've never met someone who was more of a compulsive liar than this person. It reached the point where she was lying about lying. Of course, when she lied about being raped, that should have tipped me off, but that's the beauty of me. I give second chances. Apparently, I give third, forth, and fifth chances as well. I should probably stop that.
The convoluted mess that was our "relationship" ended literally right before the new year started. I'm thankful for that because even though some of the drama carried over for a moment, I basically started the year with a clean slate. Well, "clean" is kind of misleading. I had to soak the slate in bleach then scrub it down with a Brillo Pad.
I'm kind of disgusted that things went on so long with her. I'm disgusted that anything happened with her at all. I'm pretty disappointed in myself. I kept telling myself that the person I thought was amazing beneath all the filth on the outside would eventually overcome -- but the truth is that she's filth on the inside too.
That might sound a little harsh, calling her filth, but it's actually an understatement. That's the type of attitude I built up when three days after telling me how jealous she was that my friend gave me a late Christmas present, she informed me that she went to a party and had sex with a random guy. Of course, that was only minutes after she and another girl went down on a <i>different</i> random guy together.
I went through a lot of Brillo Pads.
There is definitely something to be said for going through something like that. It really changed my outlook on that side of my life, at least for the time being. Like I said earlier, it is now time to focus on me. I've said that before but my silly need to be with someone always got in the way. Don't get me wrong, if I meet someone, I'm not going to push her away like Clark Kent did to Lana Lang for like 26 seasons of Smallville in his barn at the end of <i>every fucking episode</i> (terribly nerdy reference that maybe three people reading this will understand brought to you by the fact that I am currently rewatching the DVDs). I have no problem getting into a relationship right now. I have someone on my mind recently, as a matter of fact. I'm just not going to chase after anyone anymore.
The depressing fact of the matter is that the current scoreboard for the past year and a half is "women - 4, Jeff - 0". But I made a conscious effort with each of them. Other than Brillo Girl, it was me who made the first move every time. No more of that for quite a while. If someone makes the effort to tell me she's interested in me (and if I'm interested in her) I'll absolutely go for it. It's just that "finding a girlfriend" is no longer a top priority. Again, don't misunderstand. If something happened with someone, she would <i>become</i> a top priority because I would want her to be. It isn't <i>having</i> a girlfriend that distracts me. It is making a conscious effort to <i>find</i> someone. I want to accomplish very big things in a very short time frame. If someone amazing comes along who I can share those things with, then life will be better than even my wild imagination can conjure up.
I guess this is normally the part where I would talk about some of the things I'm planning to do or a few of the ideas floating around in my head, like I've done in the past. I don't feel like doing that this time. I have a very different mindset on life than I did a year ago. I said before that one of my main goals of 2008 was to change mentally and that is something I absolutely accomplished. I know I haven't gone into detail or explained how or why it happened, because I honestly don't know. I just know I like this new mindset. It feels peaceful.
So now, I'm going to be selfish. 2009 is going to be the year of doing things for myself, to get where I want to be. There are things going on behind the scenes that no one knows about. Things I have slowly been building up in the background. Instead of talking about what I'm going to do and what is going to happen, I'm just going to do it and let it happen.
I'll end on one final note: Bridgewater, Massachusetts.
Since before I sold video games at GameStop, working with a man who showered once a week. Before the elite group of my friends and I called ourselves "Pants" and had junk food picnics outside of Walmart. Before I faked being sick to stay home for days in row playing Final Fantasy VII. Before the principle of the school was forced to come outside and get me from recess in first grade, because I kept going up and down the slide after everyone else went in. Before I got in trouble for throwing a wooden block at someone in kindergarden and making him cry. Before all of that, I called this place my home.
On a late December night, just over two years ago, I stood outside my front door in the blistering cold talking to someone. I told her I finally understood why she had left: because she was meant for so much more than this town.
I look back at that now and I realize I wasn't just talking to her. I was talking to myself.
Home is comfortable. Home is safe. But I no longer want to be comfortable. I no longer want to be safe. I can't accomplish what I want by being safe. I can't accomplish what I want by staying here. That is why I'm leaving.
I don't know the date and I don't want to know. Those things happening behind the scenes, the lines I have been and will be casting out. When one of them finally latches onto something and I feel the tug, that will be the day. It won't be tomorrow, but it will be sooner than later.
I'm going to do everything I want to do in life and this is the year it starts. If you want to come along for the ride, you're more than welcome.
|Tags: life, love
|The night is darkest just before the dawn.
07/21/08 at 02:27 AM
|"Why is he running, dad?"|
"Because we have to chase him."
I'll say this right off the bat: The Dark Knight is not only the best comic book adaption ever, but one of the best movies I've ever seen. Heath Ledger deserves at least a nomination for best actor as he gave one of the best performances I've watched in a movie. Ever. I say that without an inch of hyperbole. It really is that damn good.
With that out of the way, I picked that quote from the movie as the title for this entry because I like to think that it describes my current situation at the moment. It's weird that I haven't written anything really relating to what's going on in my life in a little over half a year. I can't believe how quickly it's gone by. It was such a positive entry too. The worst thing is having plans and then being hit by multiple setbacks, one after the other. It's not that it's been a bad year so far, but things have not gone the way I planned at all.
That's okay, by the way. I realize that's how life works sometimes. But you know what they say: when life hands you lemons, you lose your job, start to dislike being around your own family, get screwed over by multiple women, and your cats have kittens. Wait, that's not it.
In all honesty, things haven't been horrible -- just frustrating. It's just that a lot of small annoyances can add up.
So truth be told, I'm going to be going into reclusion of a sort for a little while. Not of the technical hermit term, as I'll be out and about, but I need to focus on me. Don't be hurt if I'm not making much of an effort to do something with you, but I need to make myself my main priority. I probably make it sound worse than I mean to. Honestly, if you ask me to do something, whether it be a show or a party or just hanging out, I'm sure I will. I just mean that I won't be making much of an effort myself to be social for a little while.
I'm not going to go into detail with my plans for the coming months. Instead, I'm just going to do them. Some of you probably won't agree with some of the decisions I'm going to make, and that's perfectly fine, but sometimes you need to take some big chances in order to enter the next phase of life. These past 23 years were the first phase. It's time to shake things up a bit. By the end of the year, I plan on not being the person you know now. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. So while you may disagree with some of the decisions I'll soon be making, hopefully you can still support me. This is what I need and this is what I want.
As was once so felicitously said by a man named John Locke, "Just wait until you see what I'm about to do."
|Tags: life, movies