So one of my horoscopes for this day says I will be quite the successful communicator, I have a lot on my mind I guess, and it's been almost two months since I've written something publicly, and those are my reasons for now exposing my mind. Oh and being a little buzzed again (as I tend to be, in writing lately -_-) helps too. Alcohol: the real truth serum. While I won't release top secret information about anything regarding anything of particular interest to anyone, I will, however, entertain you for the next five to ten minutes or however long it takes you to read this. Disclaimer: expect vulgarity, sexual explicitness, and roughly-edged opinion.
Opining first, be it on the matter of desire. Over this short time, I've done nothing but, in various ways. Desire with fear, at first, apprehensive to begin, to control something again. Next, desire of the physical nature. Sexual frustration has me graveling at the feet of pornography, dirty thoughts, and masturbation. Nothing excessive, I'm not obsessed with either of the former, I suppose I'm just doing well enough to keep me from being desperate and making a bad decision as to use someone for physical nurturing, and I don't support that. Otherwise, desire has kept me afloat. It has led me to a true direction, laying down the path for what I'm starting to want, all the ins and outs, the whole shebang. For once, I can truly shape the figure of what I'm working towards. Maybe it'll end up a dream and I'll eventually settle, but there's no fun in that. If I'm dedicated, I obviously want all that comes with what I'm putting into it. My passion is growing by the day, for all things I love. I realize that neither them nor I will be here in this world for long, so my love and desire is either do or die. No more "one foot in the door" business, I did that enough. In summary, my desire, I reckon it's pretty shameless and unforgiving right now. That's just my opinion.
It's great to be living these days. Amidst a financial crises, a large majority of America in displeasure, (see: Occupy "movement") and the long-awaited return of our troops from Iraq by the end of this year makes it a truly conflicting feeling to be a proud citizen of the United States. Not to mention the upcoming election year, with the current "Tea Party" going on strong among some dissatisfied Republicans and the Democrats still clinging to the "change" brought upon by this term's president, Barack Obama. All are pining for an end to the constant dips of our ever-changing worth as well as environmental concerns, the seemingly endless threat of terrorism and alternate economic systems that don't jive well among the prevailing ways of today's superpowers (all up for debate respectively). Combine that with fear of "irresponsible" countries making potential steps towards owning weapons of mass destruction (we're looking at you, Iran) and carefully supporting the slew of other countries uprising their own tyrannic governments, sometimes twice (ahem, Egypt), and you've got yourself quite the tense world. So often us U.S. folks are so preoccupied with our own problems that we can't even begin to start considering the Earth's as a whole. As a fellow (not always, admittedly) concerned human being, I just suggest being aware of today's happenings. The only thing we can do is continue to live our lives how we see fit, and while that may not always be the correct way, we must know that our decisions affect the people around us, and so on. I know that change can happen, that we are not controlled by any force but fate, and that every human may not be born, taught, or fortunate enough, but bleeds the same. /end rant
Now Manswers is on, I'm learning more through my male eyes. Things like: what kind of bed is best for sex (water bed, apparently) or how likely a girl is to have sex with you based on her natural hair color. Pays off to be a man sometimes; though I must admit, I rarely have been able to use the knowledge I've attained from said show, with the exception of, "beer before liquor makes you sicker".
I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was fantastical, mine was fair to midland. Great once I had time to enjoy it. Props to those who braved and are still braving the dreaded Black Friday. I assume the deals are worth the mobs of impatience and selfish, desperate shopping involved. I guess smiles at Christmas is that important anymore.
I know I haven't been seen for a while by a lot of you, and in the meantime I also have come to terms with recognizing my assholedom across the board. I'm going to take this space to say I'm sorry. If I haven't been particularly easy to deal with, said things that hurt your feelings, or straight-up made you feel ignored, this is me catching the moment and seeing it for what it was and how I was in the wrong doing so. My friends, know that I love every single one of you, and I'm forced to take sides sometimes, and sometimes that has to be mine. I only ask that you can still accept me for who I am and I thank you for your patience in this extending time that has taken over, me hopefully getting my shit together. I've been a bitch, weak, and negligent. I'm going to be strong, outgoing and confident, and it starts now. I want to be one of the best men in your life. Whether it be as a good friend, a confidant, or whatever else. I promise I will not abuse what you give to me, nor take you for granted, nor intentionally try to make our relationship less than positive. At the same time, I'm a single, straight male, ladies. I need to be told when I cross a line. Further containment of my flirtations are subject to review. ;)
Holy shit, I almost forgot about my signature music recommendations:
Bon Iver- s/t (finally I got to sink into this, I am clinically obsessed with the most recent song I posted, "Beth/Rest", otherwise an exceptional album start to finish)
Boris- Attention Please and Heavy Rocks (two of the three albums released by the popular Japanese band this year. not nearly their best but still show shades of awesome)
The Drums- Portamento (mostly dark and cold, it's still some of the best pop I can imagine coming out the U.K., though surprisingly they're based in Ohio)
Gil-Scott Heron & Jamie XX- We're New Here (a stylistic clash of old and new, and a great homage to the late social speaker through a modern language)
King Krule- s/t EP (this Brit has a voice and lyrical chops to make you really wary of what he has in store for us in the future)
Lady Gaga- Born This Way (I know I just put this album down, but Burk was right, it is better than her two previous efforts on their own)
Radiohead- TKOL RMX 1234567 (at times better than the actual album, at times insinuating a bastion of "whys", it's still awesome to see how some of the digital greats interpret these master's songwriting)
Thrice- Major/Minor (to me, it's either going to be a major disappointment or a minor hiccup, it's just not clicking with me so far. their recently announced hiatus doesn't help either)
Zombi- Slow Oscillations Remix EP (Zombi is tops, and people can't make their song worse apparently)
I'm ready to be done with this year, it's definitely made every possible emotion a satisfied one. That's just life. I'm glad I'm still here to see the light off of every angle of the prism. I look forward to 2012's good and bad. How for now desire, emotion, and caution are the forefront, I will not put essential priorities in the backseat. This is not arrogance, it's hope, it's willingness. I'm your equal, and I am humiliated with my past and future wrongdoings. None the wiser, but will take wisdom with progress. We're all growing, becoming, seizing opportunity together. With compassion and sacrifice, there is a way.
It's funny how the things that inspire you never get old. Something that moves you to the point of inspiration always has lasting value, whether it sprung a certain feeling in you for a moment, or a change for a lifetime. And we keep going back to those inspirations, we put them on a pedestal, as if we can blame them for instigating the change it took to become what we are now, a progression. Some can argue that we must become the change we want to see, and that's entirely right. All the same, in order to have the desire to change, we must see what is wrong with the present in the first place. The acknowledgement of discrepancies in the present is the first step in assuming the future, how you go about it. We're all going through that sort of thing. If we were happy with how and who we are, we wouldn't care at all how we will be. We'd burn out brighter, more negligent of correct choices now. If we truly are happy at any given time, then it would be safe to say that we wouldn't fear death as much, we wouldn't focus as much on our shortcomings or regrets, and we wouldn't have anything to look forward to. I'm saying that it's okay to be unsatisfied with life. As long as your purpose is to become something more than you are, or at least an improved version of what you are, whether you make it to that point or not, it's all pointless. The true breakthrough is being hellbent on taking that journey, riding the bull, seeing where it takes you. You have every right to live your life paralyzed and indifferent. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Fortunately, what civilization has come down to is that you must first find what your purpose is and then do everything in your power to fulfill that. Then your life is over, and well, you were a blip on the radar of life. That doesn't mean you were worthless or left no legacy. It means you did what any human being can do in its own lifetime: try. We're a trying species. We may never meet perfection in our lives or our children's (and so on). As long as we try to progress as humanity, however, we may actually find a palpable limit to what we can accomplish and become. We can't say we're done evolving, and we don't know enough to know that there is still is much to know. That comes back to inspiration. An inspired person is a dangerous one. An educated, focused tour de force with biased intent. You can't stop the feeling of inspiration. It's wholly unique and true to you. Your mind cannot deny it and why would it want to? It's a sliver of confidence in something, as well as yourself. It's a leap of faith that feels like a sure thing. Pass it on.
Yeah, it's been a while. A long while.
September was a long month indeed. I cared too much, I didn't care enough, I blamed myself (and continue to do so), I blamed others. I followed my lead of going through the motions and I carried on with and without a passenger. Some people listened, some people don't know, the same amount don't care. That's okay because nothing is worth bringing up again. Things are the way they are, and yeah, I'm still having a rough time of accepting them but I can't change how life unfurls, and I can't be pissed that it's not unfurling the way I'd particularly desire. It's all menial and annoying to think about, but this is part of my progression. Sometimes I think I'm putting myself through mental and emotional pain just to be immune to it in the future. I'm starting to realize though that in life, everything happens the same way. It's what stage of life your in, what point of view your at that is the deciding factor in how your case is closed. It's not how you handle a situation, it's who you are at that given time, what your approach is by default and how you know to solve the problems you can. No one has "all the answers" but after a while you'll have accumulated enough information that it's all relative in the end. Just like adopted skills, you can apply anything you learn to the 'real world'. After a while you're supposed to "get it" and it's all supposed to mean something. I guess this is me saying that I'm one step closer but still far and away from "getting it". I admit, I lost a lot of who I thought I was and could become. Now what I've found is a niche of who I am, and a better idea of what belongs in that niche. I'm still working on it, but Rome wasn't built in a day. As my life dwindles, I'll find more answers that would have been useful in my youth. But not taking the time to learn them, is that worse?
It could just be the alcohol talking, but I think I'm a better writer when I'm buzzed. Not sure if that's a good thing. I think it's about six days straight now, that alcohol has been in my system on a nightly basis. I haven't been a friend to my liver, but my mind sure can handle a lot more shit than usual for the time being. It's okay, pretty soon I'll probably take a break from drinking so much and it'll just be another aging part of my life to look upon. For now though, it has been quite a comfort.
Here's something for everyone to take less seriously: music.
Thomas Giles- Pulse (listening to this as I type. deep and saturated, just what I expected from the BTBAM frontman. good)
Panda Bear- Tomboy (just lovely soundscapes sprinkled with a Brian Wilson soundalike, but a great one)
Maria Taylor- Overlook (best album a chick has put out this year. i don't even mean that subjectively)
Touche Amore- Parting the Sea Between Brightness and Me (these guys have truly found their comfort zone. and how uncomfortable it actually is is what makes it so real and human and great)
Weatherbox- Follow the Rattle of the Afghan Guitar EP (how i feel can be summed up in a Weatherbox song. i don't need to be critical of anything else when listening to music)
The Weeknd- House of Balloons (R&B for hipster kids. A voice with good vibes to back it up)
Moving Mountains- Waves (post-rock with vocals. that you can feel and understand. need i say more?)
Neon Indian- Era Extrana (chillwave? it's just a special word for people who love their relaxation at maximum equalization. try it sometime)
Memory Tapes- Player Piano (real chill. and interesting when it needs to be)
Patton Oswalt- Finest Moment (not music, but hey it's a comedy album. Patton is a genius at comedy, if you can't laugh at anything he says, you have no soul)
Yeah so as I'm trying to figure out life and all the whys and hows and at the same time trying to adopt the man I must grow to love and accept as the future me, I hope all of your lives are just as transitional and on their way to the greatness of you. If you've found what your looking for, embrace it.
By now I've probably exhausted your eyes by just trying to make you read this mess. For this I am not sorry, after all you subjected yourself to this and I've spent a good (half an?) hour just contemplating and submitting myself to this. If you've ever wondered who I really am or what I'm thinking, here's a good start. If not, you must be one of my friends. Hah, don't worry, I still care more about who you are than what I am to you. Being a supplement to your life is all just gravy, really. It means my purpose is being fulfilled, at least in part. Now, to find a woman to imprint my signature upon, that is a challenge surely. This paint is still wet, and it's waiting to be spread.Are you that canvas? I'd like to find out. If not, that's fine. Stay anonymous, just an unrealized fantasy in my mind. There's enough room for that in there.
Dear my friends: one day I'll take everything I took from you and use it to create a monster of experience and ability like none this world has ever seen. I'll see your influence through. I'll make your legacy proud.
This is weird. Life brings you places you wouldn't expect, and I didn't expect to be here in my old room so soon. A room full of recent and not so recent memories, relics of time's past, pastimes, and echoing records.
In my time of solitary living, I experienced life in a more humbling way. I still had it fairly easy, thanks to my gracious, patient landlords and helpful parents when I needed them only fifteen minutes away. Nevertheless, I had to learn to be self-reliant, useful with my time, and considerate to others.
I watched a relationship sail and falter in front of my eyes, coming to a crushing end. I also watched as a new one blossomed and bloomed into a wonderful crescendo of love and procreation. I tended to my own affair, a sprawling, passionate, sexual, loving time which had it's fair share of disagreements, jealousy and distrust, but sequentially was strong. She was (still is) the girl of my dreams, the only one I really tried for, and though I ultimately failed at keeping what we had alive, I wouldn't trade that for anything I could have now or before. Though I am hurt now, be it from my own hand and her still having my heart, I believe that these past two years wouldn't have been as much of a learning experience or even have been near as positively progressive if she wasn't in my life. And I regret ever taking that for granted.
I have a lot to thank my friends for too. Sure, it wasn't always easy living with you Justin, I'm not going to lie. Part of life is compromise, and I surely learned that quickly. I also learned that I don't have many other friends that have been and always will care for me as much as you have. Just know that I love you and will always be there for you man. Such as my bro-love is strong, I've had to spread it to a lot of people. It being my nature, being friendly, I've taking a liking to many people and unfortunately just haven't had the time to spend with them all. For this I am sorry. To every single one, old and new, recently acquainted or old bestie, I love you as well. I will do my best in the future to accommodate you with my presence. Not that you necessarily need me around, but if you wanted me to be.
Besides the obvious happenings, what I've cared to share here, with you personally, things I've experienced but don't choose to share, there's not much else to reflect upon. My job more or less has been the same. Started at Starbucks almost two years ago, got a couple of raises, whoop de doo. I took a brief foray into college. An exciting, hopeful semester turned sour as my procrastination got the best of me and I conclusively hit the skids. Looking back, I'd love to return if it meant I'd commit to making myself successful with it. I just want to see where music takes me, and the rest of my life. It wouldn't hurt anything to be educated in the meantime, it's just too late for this semester.
In the end, this has been quite the rewarding short period in my book of life. If I were to die tomorrow, one couldn't say I was cheated on this earth. I have been lucky, loved, and learned. I've seen things I've never thought I would, said things of the same nature, and have started to become who I'd be proud of as a kid.
In my conquest of ever-needing to be understood, I suppose that is all I could ask for in my future. Health has always been an issue, I will now try harder than ever to correct my poor habits before my age makes it harder for me. I could also tie up some loose ends, make things more comfortable between me and certain individuals, start to treat people the way I'd ideally like to. I still have a lot I'm hanging on to. What to sever and what to tie is the challenge that awaits me, as life gets nearer and nearer to its end and all else involved in mine are going through their own motions.
It's been music that's helped me through all of this, and I cherish that sound is the only true constant, well until my ears give out. I thought I had an immense library of tunes two years ago, now ever-growing, I can't imagine a decade from now, depending if I make it that far. No matter what, as long as I'm here, I'll be playing life's soundtrack. Front to back.
September '08-September '10: it's been great. Going to miss you. I'll be looking back. Again and again.
And now I take you out of your existential time space and direct you to this art piece's attention for just a moment. Ooo, that sounded important.
Today is my bff Justin Quarles' birthday. My bro finally turned 20, I hope it's good one. He has been through a lot in just one year.
I hate to really accentuate on how much disappointment I had in it, but The Other Guys really just let me down. I was looking for a ultimately humorous movie, and came away with a moderately funny, forcefully laughed time sequence. It was just "ok". /end opinion
Don't got the guts to watch Salo or The 120 Days of Sodom, even though Adam left it in my car. Look it up, if you got the balls. Deeply disturbing movie from what I'm told.
Work has been on the brain. Not just what comes along with it, but the act itself, the purpose. To analyze work is to understand its purpose, and what it's considered to be to you. My view of work can independently be described as devoting time and effort to something as to bring meaning to the purpose of doing so. So, in layman's terms: doing something for a reason. Work is not work to me if done for no consequence. Every action has a reaction. Think about that next time you feel lazy. Hah.
Talk about songs that take the feel of their title. Take the song, "Settler" by Balmorhea for instance: makes me immediately think of the ol' west, makes me want to play Oregon Trail. Just a beautiful song in general.
New good albums:
Vampire Weekend-Contra - finally got around to getting this and man does it not disappoint. even more minimalistic jams about horchatas and cousins with a white-belt swagger but a laid back demeanor. highly recommended.
Norma Jean- Meridional - Band finally comes into their own with this album. I never thought Cory Brandan could ever catch up to Josh Scogin's vocal or lyrical workouts, but this album shows him completely obliterating every facet of his previous work. But it doesn't start and end there, the whole band brings it. Every member (new drummer Chris Raines included) pummels and meanders through every exhausting song on this album. Maybe not the best metalcore album ever, but it really is keeping a dying genre relevant.
Oldies but goodies:
Thrice's back catalog: never gets old
Jimmy Eat World's new song: not old yet but definitely going to be a revered gem in their extensive song list. Invented preorder is out and wanted!!! Check out "My Best Theory" now and make sure to presale it up and buy tickets to the two Arizona shows they're playing this year! Dates: 9/27 at the Rialto Theater in Tucson and 10/30 at the Marquee in Tempe!
Immolation: Adam showed me this band, which is still currently touring (albeit with some different members) after an illustrious career that dates back to the 90s. They call it death metal but I likened it to more hardcore roots, inspiring bands like Converge and The Red Chord today. Unforgiving music, little soloing, and relentlessness.
When I'm not home I'm at work, come say hi!
Going to be moving out of this house soon, back into my parents' place. I'm pretty astounded by the last two years here. A lot has been said and done, and certainly a lot has changed. I'm sort of apprehensive, as to what's next, but I'm slowly coming around to optimism. Being 20 and not accomplished is not exactly 40 and not accomplished I guess. It's the everybody wanting more mentality, but I convince myself it's not that, and more of me wanting to have something to be proud of in life, and I struggle to make something useful of myself to everyone. I could be wrong about it all though.
So what's new with you? It seems like everyone's been going through so much lately. We're all trying to slow this life down but need to realize that we won't truly sleep until we're dead. Rest is only a proactive activity providing an adequate shot at productive activity. Remember that.
There's been a dark side too. I realize why so many turn to drinking and drugs in this town. There's just nothing to live for around here. Arizona is a oasis of misguided ghosts. We're all nomadic people going nowhere here, and I see that driving in circles with no destination. I stop at gas stations and Jerry's hoping to see someone I know, giving that human communication I can look for and still be natural. I don't want to call or text or email someone to see them. I want to pleasantly surprise them. I want my presence to be gratifying, and there's to me. I can't ask for that in today's world because I share it with millions of closetheads. No one even goes to parks anymore, they're just waiting for everyone to get off of work and their phones and computers (as I type, I digress). My point is, society: Don't let something so essential to the human race go to waste. And that is being there. Physically make yourself known. Be out when no one else is. Show that you can flex and walk and communicate through motion. Laugh and let someone hear. Don't fear your neighbor, instead embrace the fact that you and he or she exist in this moment. Because it is all we have. And we all have it together.
I only got one person's feedback on the poem last week (thank you), but that doesn't really affect how often I will post more, which is not very often. I don't have too many, but it would be nice to get some thoughts out.
Expect to hear my thoughts on the new Arcade Fire album, along with the usual ranting and ravings.
This week goes on, and I'm late due for a few happenings. I'll recap later to tell you how they go. Pretty mysterious I know, but of no dire concern to anyone but me.
I'm going to start making my blogs thick again, a lot more rewarding and readable. I think the answer to my wanting of readers is valuable content. After all, this isn't just a bitch fit. So I'm gonna exceed.
Read this if you like Anberlin. Goes in-depth into their album, Cities. Written a while back, this blogger has compiled what the meanings of the songs are as well as giving his own view of each track. A great read if you like the band/album.
This day's listening party included:
As I Lay Dying- The Powerless Rise (solid metalcore, didn't catch too many special songs, but only first listen)
The Cure- Disintegration (a classic, through and through. need the deluxe edition cd now!)
Aiden- From Hell With Love (weak live set, which was only a half an hour. the dvd ain't too bad, nice to have all of their videos at least)
Greg Laswell- "Take Everything (feat. Ingrid Michaelson)" (i'm addicted to this song)
The Used- music videos (proved entertaining once again)
Greg Poops- standup (i have a new appreciation for this guy after watching various youtube gems. you might now him from Whose Line is It Anyway?)
Aside from moving various fruits and vegetables, I haven't been doing much of everything. Today is my first and only day off this week if you're wondering. Been left to think about a lot of things and how I can fix them, it's comforting to hear about other people's problems and feel concern for them. As long as it's not with me. So don't feel sorry for me. Ever.
I've been a hardcore Facebook lurker too. When they say that shit is addicting, it's because it is. Instant communication is just so satisfying. It's as if I want to make my friends say something, anything, so that my insides can assume a position on it. It's becoming instinct. Twitter, on the other hand... I can't ever find something I'm doing worth posting. Whether people care enough to read it or not is one thing, but having something worth saying is entirely different.
I got one of those clear plastic Starbucks cups (venti size) if anyone wants to buy it. I need the money, and I won't use it anyway really. Yes it's unused. Lowball me, I'll be a decent seller. Ask for pics if you want.
Just know that I'm around. That's all. Tonight I leave you with some poetry of mine. Let me know what you think:
A Glass Half Full
this mindset will not be here tomorrow
so let's see where the night takes us
it's still young
why let pretensions break us
this evening i'm borrowing your mouth
to say what i couldn't this morning
tonight i'm taking all concerns
and spitting them at the sky
the vibrations are good
the feelings are mutual
how else can we be ourselves?
we grow to fast
to see the starting line
before it's passed.
Against Me!- White Crosses
The Cure- Disintegration (Deluxe Edition) [still counts!]
Good Old War- Good Old War (favorite this year so far)
Wild Nothing- Gemini
Old shit I still listen to in my car:
The Chariot- Wars and Rumors of Wars
The Devil Wears Prada- With Branches Above and Roots Below
Brand New- Daisy
Set Your Goals- Mutiny!
I still have a lot of new stuff to listen to, so my top ten list will be different by the end of the year but this is what it's looking like in July:
1. Good Old War- Good Old War
2. Black Breath- Heavy Breathing
3. Circa Survive- Blue Sky Noise
4. Coheed And Cambria- Year of the Black Rainbow
5. Alkaline Trio- This Addiction
6. Jónsi- Go
7. jj- nº3
8. The Bled- Heat Fetish
9. Against Me!- White Crosses
10. Emeralds- Does It Look Like I'm Here?
Again, I have a lot to listen to and a lot I'm waiting for, so this is tentative.
A lot on the mind lately, a lot of people to concern myself with. Something about summer brings people closer together, gotta embrace those few months we have of peaceful unanimous hatred of the heat. It's the natural glue of Arizona.
Mad props to the dudes who remodeled Hostetler Pool. Now Miami kids have something to do again, it looks great and kids are taking full advantage of your hard work. I'm sure the community center is just as full, this time of year there are parties every day up there.
My band is still looking for gigs as well as a name. Any ideas? We work hard, we really do. I wouldn't be in it if I thought we couldn't make something of ourselves with it, and my bros (and sis) agree that we gotta get what we got started (well at least in the public eye again). Hopefully (and I say this with confidence) we will have something by the end of the summer.
Well that's all I care to share right now. You know where to find me.
Dun dun dun.
Ahh summer. The season to end all seasons. Err, yeah. My June and July have been really nice, busy, and full of life. How has everyone else' s been?
Work has been mostly what takes my time. The past month-and-a-half or so I've somehow managed to maintain a 40-hour week, which I haven't regularly worked since I started with Safeway. While the checks have been way higher than usual and been given the chance to perfect my Starbuckin' craft, the extra work time has come with its negatives. While I wish I could spend more time with my friends (Erica especially) I've been starting to realize that this is just the beginning track my workhorse has to run. If I'm going to make it in this world I have to start managing my time and money correctly. Priorities: 1st
This summer I've also been introduced to some amazing music, both live and otherwise. My girl and I saw Manchester Orchestra in May, mewithoutYou in June and later that month, took an excursion out to Warped Tour. In addition to the local Hangout shows, I can't get enough of live music this summer.
As far as new bands/albums for the summer, I suggest:
Passion Pit- Manners
Mastodon- Crack the Skye
The Mars Volta- Octahedron
The Devil Wears Prada- With Roots Above and Branches Below
Black Moth Super Rainbow- Eating Us
Dinosaur Jr.- Farm
Taking Back Sunday- New Again
Now that's a lot of recs. Get educated if you haven't heard about these bands/releases.
I've come to realize that I hate bugs, and they do no good. I expect them just as much as the heat around here. Driving me crazy.
I would like to know who's still reading my old blogs faithfully when I haven't written a new one in months. Damn dude/chick, you're dedicated. ...Or lost... Either way, this spud's for you.
There's not much going on in my life, well of delicate importance at least. I still have a girlfriend, who is amazing and I love. I still have a job, which tends to suck, but I can't complain. I still have friends, some of which I am having mixed feelings about, but am still appreciative of circa right-this-very-moment.
Music still keeps me above insanity. I'm tortured by its saving grace, yet am subscribed to its growing pains. It remains something I still want to be a part of, longer than time will allow me. My contributions are still yet to be seen.
I still live in this town. Every day I find something new to love in it, as well as something to frown upon. The older folks keep getting older and the kids more ignorant. Viva la revolution (!) I suppose. Apparently I never got the memo, as I'm sitting in my bed typing away.
That was just a little update to my faithful, I deduce. I miss having this blog to come back to when my innards get a little too full. I may keep too much to myself, but at least the grammatically correct half comes out alright.
I'd like to be a little more enthused tonight but for some reason I'm just not feelin' it. Thanks for the random views on the blog though, I hope at least some things I say help someone out. Or piss them off.
"Three o'clock in the morning here am I sitting here so lonely, so lonesome I could cry."
BLUEEEEEUUUEUEEUUEUEUUEEEE. OH SO LONESOME FOR YOU. WHY CAN'T YOU BE BLUE OVER ME?
What? A man can't enjoy his late-night country? Shame on you young folk and your rock and roll and hippedy-hop. I'll take some Hank Williams Sr., Willie Nelson, and George Jones over Deep Purple, Foghat, and Bread anyday. Nah, I take that back. I love 'em the same.
Yesterday went over great. I spent some quality time with my girl, whom I love and miss already, went to work, had loads of laughs at Vida with some good friends, and saw my family. All in all, a wonderful day that saw many good things and makes me sleepy, which makes me wonder why I'm awake.
That being said, I guess I will trail off into the night. Remember that I love you all and I appreciate you being here and letting me be a part of your life.
I will now leave you with this thought: since change is the only constant, embrace it. Inevitably you will become the very thing you hate, but that doesn't mean you can't control your destiny. What you do now affects what you will become, if you accept the fact that you'll turn out shitty like (insert bad influence here), you'll never understand that you still have a chance to be something better.
If life's all about living, what makes dying worth marveling at? It would have to pale in comparison to the shit you'd end up doing.
As long as you live without fear, death is just another face to laugh into.
As I stare at the glaring white walls of my room, paid for with my own hard-earned money, my own cubicle of land, I ponder at what kind of a person I have become. Really, how much can one change in a few short months?
I have not changed as much as my surroundings have. First and foremost, I have found somebody to love. A girl that I can't sleep without thinking about, one that I've shared intimate and personal times with. Her name is Erica, and she has made my life a nostalgic hell as with every passing wonderful moment I am with her is one to remember.
The freshest face I have met though has to be the figure of the real world. Not to be confused with MTV idealism, the truths of making it on your own are more valuable than the actual desire of the situation. As young as I am, I feel like I have so much life ahead of me, with every day there has been something to learn.
Learning has taken a backseat as of late, after my first flailing semester of community college I am sort of weary to go back. Not that I don't want to learn, I vie that my confidence takes short steps with education. Fucking up as a kid is okay, but fucking up as an adult is something I won't let myself do. This is my first chance at proving myself. Success is what I make of it.
My new year's resolution this annual is to live. Lately I've been strangely fixated with death. I fear that if I live my time without a positive contribution to this world, my very life will have been a waste. I am not necessarily in fear of death, just what I wasted my life doing beforehand.
That's why I've decided to start making something of myself. First step: inspiration. I'm young and I don't know everything. That right there is something I have in common with millions of other people around the world. Let's relate. Let's make something of our generation. We have a chance to redeem ourselves. We don't need a martyr like our older brothers and sisters had.
That being said, one of the ways I will try to pay dues is through blogs like this. I want people to read, I want promises to be made, I want dedication. Not to me, to yourself. To the community you live in. To the world you live in.
Also, I will finally take a plunge into music-making. Being something I've been wildly passionate about, I feel like I am at the cusp of my creative breakthough. Not to say I'll make the next Kid A, but I'd definitely like to communicate vicariously through instruments as well as lyrically.
Ugh. All of these commitments. I feel as if I'm missing out on so much I want to say and declare. Alas, there will be other days. I'm not giving up on life this year, on the man I want to be. My time cannot be up. It's here. It's now. I'm accepting my mission. I'm building from the ground up.
I want to read this x years from now and feel accomplished.
Got a new phone today. So did my mom, dad and sister. We got one of those family plans, which actually turned out to be very economical and agreeable. I'm just clinging to that "new" feeling. The luster still hasn't worn on me as I look into my photographed wallpaper (GY!BE vinyl) for the hundredth time today. My number is just a message away (won't post it) if you're interested. Ladies, send me teh noodz, plz.
Aside from that, as typical as a summer Tuesday has been. Over-thinking things while not thinking about more important shit enough. There was shit for decent CDs at Wal-Mart today. Not only did that realization provide proof that this was a slow week for new releases, but it also shown light on the fact that an indie record store is severely needed around here. Man, am I just the king of wishful thinking.
Sometimes I think that I don't deserve what I have. The selfish part of me want's to say that it's not my fault for being born into a caring, smart, hard-working, value-embracing family. The other half feels the need to bring up my lack of ingenuity and self-analyzes to determine what it is I actually bring to the table. I hate to see myself as someone who leeches off of the hard work and good intentions their parents set-in-stone. I want them to know I can do more than say "please" and "thank you". I want to be my own alarm clock.
Ticking incessantly in my head is another stump in my forest of tree trunks, a faux female presence I acknowledge only as "her". She has no purpose but to fulfill my romantic thoughts, spontaneous affairs of kisses on the cheek and shared looks of reassurance. My mind has fabricated a female that is not necessarily everything I would want my girl to be, but everything I'm willing to compromise to. That's perfection to me, someone you can't want more or less of. A situation where you just break even. I can deal with that.
Until then, I will not contain my pleas for cheap or sorta meaningful romance. I'm not going to look for that ideal, I'll wait until it finds me. Right now I need you to realize that there's more to our relationship than tension and terror. Don't be afraid of me.
Hey, it's ya man Josh up late for some early mornin' bloggin'. Not too long ago I had returned from a sweet Hangout show. Even with the mondo lack of people, us regulars managed to have a great time thanks to the bands and cool people that played. It's nights like these that make me grateful to even have people that will play music for us Globe-Miami kids. Looking forward to the next show in July.
Lately life has been starting to sink in. On the mental level. Touching back on some feelings from my last blog, I realized that adulthood is staring me in the face, and already I am beginning to ask myself questions as to how I want to live my life from here on out. Considering how easy my life has been up to this point, I want to be sure that I can push myself to that next level, actually become who I want to be and work hard at it, instead of sitting back and wondering how a guy like me can make it in this world. Now's the time to start taking chances, and I refuse to miss out on life's highs and lows because I am too afraid to make a move. This both worries and excites me, but honestly, I am glad to be in this situation. To quote Coldplay, "if you never try then you'll never know".
It's always great to find solace in yourself, because you face judgment and reassurance all at once. Try it sometime.
Trying not to be discouraged with a lost blog, wholly written and forgotten thanks to accidentally hitting "back" on Firefox, I come back to you again as an immensely pissed off and tired Josh G. Before my words were rudely forgotten, I dedicated this blog to all of the people who took time out of their days this week to hang out with me. Thanks, for my life would be worthless without you.
My in-depth (and I meant in depth) assessment of my two-sided outlook on life was the initial topic of tonight's reflection. Looking in the mirror, I realized that I can't be with a girl to fulfill my own needs exclusively. Being in a relationship means to upload as much as you download, export as much as you import. I also decided that there's not enough time in this world to play favorites, so playing the field may not be so bad after all. It's just finding someone's who somewhat willing to give this schmuck a chance. I'm tired of living vicariously through these blogs, I want the confidence, cleverness, and bravado to come from the heart, and not through my recycled, angular mind (not unlike a Tera Melos riff).
There it is, basically summed up. I wish I could go into all of that detail again, but I can't remember every quirky line and self-insufficient joke. That being said, this will suffice for now. In my (seemlessly) neverending quest for love and understanding, this two-headed boy has found a niche for comfort.
Now all he needs is a girl with roses in her eyes.
Four o'clock in the morning and I've got nothing to do but blog. Sorry I promised one the other day and didn't live up to it. I've been kind of at a loss for words lately, seeing as there hasn't been much going on in my life, and what has gone on in others is felt universally across this area and is best left to rest for now. Aside from work, I've been spending a lot of time with friends, whom I cherish and relish at the thought of making new moments to remember and appreciate. This summer sure is gonna be a long one, pretty soon I'll be a full-fledged adult, which is both exhilarating and scary as hell. All the same, I look forward to becoming the man I aspire to be. It's keeping the morals and personal responsibilities that will be the challenge I face. As a wise person once said, "I'm a work in progress".
This week will find me working and hopefully playing equally. I long for some connections and good times to be made. Drop a line someone, anyone, I will do my best to find time to keep you company. Just because I am no longer an angst-ridden high school deviant does not mean that I desire to deny attention.
Really, do you think I'd let you guys forget about me this soon
First and foremost I must thank everyone who reads my incessant rants, without you, I'd just be talking to myself. Literally. It's so much easier to lay my life down on a computer screen than tell you my most inner thoughts and feelings in person. Just know that I am everything I portray myself as in these blogs, how you consider that is your point of view exclusively. The way I see it, I'm just a confused kid in a messed-up generation, trying to forge his own path in life, based on ideals, convictions, and imperfection.
Speaking of which, life has been worth living the past couple of days. Consumed with "senioritis", I am preparing myself for one of the biggest days of my life. It's funny, I've talked about how life-changing graduation and overall growing up is, but I've never really realized what I'm going to miss. With less than a week-and-a-half left of classes, I'm doing all I can to make what's left of the "best four years of my life" worth reminiscing. Though I will probably not consider these the best years of my life, the rest just wouldn't be worth living without all of the things I've learned and the experiences I've had. I owe it to my high school self to make sure I actually use what I've learned and run with it. As much as I dislike who I am for whatever reason, I'd much rather stay this way than change into somebody else. Some changes would be nice, but having grown into the person I am today gives me a sense of pride. I may not have reached my zenith just yet, but damned if I make my way down rock bottom. Being content with who you are is the first step to becoming what you want to be. Change is inevitable, but direction is controllable.
Outside of my brain-bending hoo-ha, I hope your guys' week is consistently good. Keep loved ones in your hearts, less-fortunate in your thoughts, and humbleness in everyday life. While our own personal struggles make us feel like Atlas, it is the ones who don't have the luxury to complain that feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. It is through those people that you should model your own perseverance, pushing yourself through life, making the right choices.
Who can complain when they know they try their best?