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|christmas with only four.
|I lost my dad in February this year. He died on the 20th around 4pm. He's been dead for 10 months. It still hasn't hit me. It does from time to time, but for the most part, my feet and heart still wander to his room. I'm expecting something. Expecting him to ask me how my recent trip went (fantastic), how work is going (I wish I made more), if I wanted to take him out to dinner (I'd love to), or if I just wanted to watch tv with him (which I miss so much for some reason.)|
But, he's not there. And he's not going to be there tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. Or in a year from now. He's gone.
I will be honest--this was a very good Christmas. I had everything I wanted (and more) under the tree. I got to see Chicago before Christmas for a few days (a nice stress-free break). My mom was in a good mood and so was my sister, but somehow, it just didn't feel right.
I came home yesterday. I opened my gifts in silence (no lines of "Anita, we really couldn't afford that gift. I know Lindsey bats her eyes all cute, but you gotta say no to the kids sometimes!" or "Ok. Are we done with the presents now? Are we in debt enough?"). I just got to sit there angry. I'd have traded every single gift for just one minute with my dad. I don't need the new shoes, the new purse, the boots I begged for, or the dvds. I just want my dad.
But I can't change that. As much as I want, I have to get used to Christmas without him. It feels so strange.
You could tell my mom overcompensated this year. We got more gifts than needed. We had more treats than needed, and we definitely all had the same thought of wanting to resurrect my father. But we can't, unfortunately.
This Christmas could have been worse. I just miss my dad. Maybe next year it will be better.
Maybe next year I will be beautiful, not single and alone, and proud of the woman I am. Until now I am insecure, twenty years old, and trying to distract myself in ways that aren't working (I've instant messaged pretty much everyone on my buddylist. I've sent corny "merry christmas!" texts. I've watched every movie I can think of.)
I've tried to be good this Christmas, and not let this affect me but I am alone in my room now. I put on a brave front for my mother/family, and now, I just want to spoon someone (but I am pathetically single) and never wake up.
|Tags: christmas, my dad, loneliness, what's the point?