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| Lueda Alia's Journal
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When it rains, it pours. And lord knows it's fucking pouring at the moment. But nothing can knock me down now. I've been meaning to post this for so long, but I kept editing it as things in my life changed. And I think I refrained from posting it for a reason -- I do not want to dwell on all the bad that has happened anymore. There will always be people who take advantage and fuck you over, and there will always be misfortunes that will make you wonder whether it's worth it to even keep trying anymore. The answer is Yes. Life is always worth trying, despite all the setbacks, despite all the douchebags. Because there's still so much good left in the world, and so many great people that deserve the time of your day.
It's Thanksgiving here this weekend, and even though 2012 has been such a horrible year on a personal level, I still have so much to be grateful for. I feel like the luckiest person in the world because I'm still surrounded by people who genuinely love me, and in the end, that's the only thing that truly matters. There's no mountain I can't climb with the love and support of the people around me. And I want them to know just how much they mean to me, too.
Scroll past and look for your name! Don't be a creeper and read my personal thoughts on these other friends of mine!
I have been blessed with a wonderful mother who has always done and continues to do so much for me. It's not every day that your parent spends half of their savings on a Euro trip for you, in the hope that it will pull you out of your rut. It's not every day that your parent continues to support your dreams to the extent that mine does, despite the fact that she can hardly wrap her head around this music industry business. I may be biased as anyone would be regarding their mother, but I truly do believe that I've hit jackpot in the parent department. I may fight with my mother more than I do or ever will with anyone else, but she is, hands down, the most caring, selfless, and incredible person I have ever met. The way she goes above and beyond for those around her always leaves me in awe. She has always been an inspiration, and always will be. I owe all my strength, ambition and motivation to her. She is living proof that you can achieve anything you set your mind to because nothing is out of reach, and that you can overcome every obstacle and heartache that life throws your way. I love you, mom.
When I wrote about my SXSW trip back in March, I mentioned Kyle P briefly at the end because he had been so great to me, even as just a casual friend at the time. It's only been 6 months since, but in this "short" time, he has become the second most important person in my life -- right after my mother. I could sit here and tell you that I saw this coming, and that it makes sense for us to be this close, but I would be lying. I do not know how we got to this point, but I stopped questioning it long ago. Because this? This -- it just works. And it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I can't think of much I wouldn't do for this boy, and as a common friend said to me last week, "I can't think of many things that Kyle wouldn't drop for you on the spot." Friends may be baffled by our relationship, and quite frankly, sometimes we are baffled by it too. But what baffles me even more is that I wake up every day knowing that there's someone out there who genuinely loves me; it's the best feeling, and I can only hope that I make him feel half as loved, appreciated and special as he makes me feel. Because he is all of those things.
"You and my little sister are the only people I have ever cared for, Eda." Those are the words that one of my best friends, Tristan DY (or just "DY" as we all know him), said to me before I left to go to Europe. Hearing those words made me tear up, if only for the fact that he's the type of person that you wouldn't ever expect to be emotional or affectionate. Yet, he was one of the people who stood by me all summer and supported me every step of the way. I couldn't count the number of times that we have ripped into each other and made one another feel completely miserable over the tiniest and most insignificant things. But I still wouldn't change a thing about our friendship.... because it's genuine, and we both know that we would do anything for each other. Real friends don't hold grudges; they let go, and laugh it up.
I can't mention the above friend without mentioning another dear friend of mine: Trent. He, too, stood by my side until the very last moment. Our friendship has had a few ups and downs, but he has also played such a crucial role in helping me overcome so much the past year. I don't know where I would be without all those car rides, without all those hugs, words of support and encouragement, and so much more. I'll never forget the genuine affection and sense of security he gave me during the short time that he spent in the same city, and I hope he'll never forget all the delicious food (read: steak) I made for him! But above all, I just hope he'll always be around.
Before I make a list of the three girlfriends that I bug on the regular, I want to give a shout out to the the person that was my first friend in Canada, and the closest thing to a sister that I've ever had: Katrina. We can be pretty horrible about keeping in touch, but she is and always will be family to me. And you know how it goes -- you don't always do the best job at keeping in touch with family, but you still love them the same, and more than anyone. Reconnecting with her this summer was one of the best thing that happened to me, because having my best friend back, and closer than ever, is an incredible feeling. I'll always wish that she still lived only 20 minutes away from me, but there's no distance in this world that could ever get between us. Our lives couldn't be more different, but I couldn't be more proud of her. She is so wonderful. And she's made me "auntie Eda," so how can I not love her?
There was another friend here in London, ON that made me realize that she was one of the few I could truly count on -- my friend Kristen. We have known each other for well over two years now, but for a reason or another, we kept a distance until this past year. She has turned out to be one of the most reliable friends I have, and I cherish our friendship more than I can say. We don't need to smother each other because we love each other ~so much, because we both know that we have something solid, and that we both care without having to announce it to the world every day. Simply put, this is one of those adult friendships that you want to last for years, because it's real. It may have taken us a while to get to this point, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'll never be able to thank her enough for being there for me when most of my "close" friends walked away, but I hope she will one day realize how much this friendship, and all that she's done for me, mean to me.
Even though I mentioned Christina in the last blog, I feel it's even more necessary to give her a shout out here now. It's funny to think about our friendship, because sometimes we hardly keep in touch for long periods of time -- yet, when we start talking again, it's never awkward or forced. For a reason or another, this girl has stuck by me over the years, and she has stood up for me even when we weren't friends. I've met so many wonderful people on AP.net over the years, but she would always be at the top of my list. I can't thank her enough for being there during some of my darkest moments, and for keeping me company when I needed it most. She may be hundreds of miles away, but she's made me feel less alone than people who have been around physically. And that means the world, as do her friendship and support. One day soon, we will be out in the sun, sipping on Pinot Grigio, in some beautiful country in South America.
Another girl friend that has been my rock the past 4 months, is my amazing friend Gina. I couldn't tell you how or why we started talking, but I do know that our friendship began to develop at one of the most difficult periods of my life. And I can't even begin to describe the amount of support that she has given me in such a short period of time. She has dealt with my meltdowns, my insecurities and just about anything I've felt and experienced, and she has never made me felt like a burden; on the contrary, she has made me feel loved and appreciated, and she has played such an important role in my recovery. I have yet to meet her, but I look forward to the day that I can give her a hug so much. She is wonderful and knowing that she'll be working so closely with me on Made of Chalk is beyond exciting.
Speaking of MoC, I would like to take a moment here to remind my friend Kevin that the site does, in fact, exist! Jokes aside, you are yet another person that I became close to and shared some of my favourite memories with this year. And if anyone were to ask, I couldn't even explain or describe how it all happened -- it just did. You may get on my nerves when you're obnoxiously drunk and bug me to feed you steak at midnight, but I still love you. There is no doubt in my mind that we will be friends for a long time.
I can't finish this blog without mentioning my incredible staff on Made of Chalk. They may not know it, but they are the closest thing to a family at this point in my life. Seeing them all come together in our little email chains never ceases to bring a smile to my face. They fill my heart with so much love, hope, and so much encouragement.
Steph - I don't remember the last time I made a thank you list in recent years... that you weren't a part of. I think that fact in itself speaks volumes. I've shared things and been honest with you in ways that I would not feel comfortable doing with anyone else. Because I know that no matter what I do, no matter how many poor decisions I may make, you'll always be there to listen and help me "figure my shit out" without being judgmental in the slightest. You and Gina are lucky that I'm not gay, because I'm fairly certain that I would force both of you to have a three-way relationship with me. At least this way, you two can continue being my favourite couple!
Dan - What I said above, applies to you too -- you've been on every single list I've made the past few years, which means that you must be pretty damn special to me. :) I still don't know how we became friends, but you are hands down one of the most important friends in my life. You may always wonder why I'm willing to spend so much money to come visit/see you, but it's a no brainer to me: I love you and I love our friendship. I love how you're not afraid to disagree with me, because it's what makes me trust you the way I do and take your opinion to heart more than most people's. I can't wait to hang out again in two months, and I will make you drink an entire shot of gin this time. And maybe we can have some whiskey with Astronaualis.... if you don't forget it again! Love and miss you.
Corinna - I'm not even sure what to say other than: you've been nothing short of a miracle in my life this year. Your kindness and sincerity make you such a beautiful person. You are a beautiful person. Our daily 8-hour-long-chats in the summer saved me far more than any other sort of therapy that I had available at my disposal did. You helped give life to my dream, without asking for much in return, and all while supporting me emotionally as much as you could from being thousands of miles away. There's not enough money in this world to pay the debt that I feel I owe you. And there are certainly no words to describe how highly I think of you. Before anyone thinks I'm crazy in love with you after reading this (which... who knows, I may be!), I'll just leave it at this: thank you, and I love you.
Kyle H - I feel like I already summed up how I feel in that thread not long ago, but I'll just say it again, anyway: I consider you one of my closest friends and I'll always wish we lived closer, but I'm content knowing that someone all the way in fucking England will always have my back. I love you and I'm so glad that you're always there with me.
Broden - When I think of you, the word "sweet" comes to mind, because I have yet to meet a boy who is as (to use your favourite word) lovely as you are. Recent unfortunate events may have brought us closer, and while I wish that neither of us would know what it's like to deal with the heartache we have experienced, I still wouldn't change a thing. The best friendships come out of the worst situations sometimes -- and this is one of them. Thank you for always listening, and thank you for being so loyal.
Eva - I think sending you that IM a few months ago, is still one of the best decisions I've made as far as friendships go. I couldn't be happier to have you on my team, and you will forever be one of the people who not only believed in me first, but who also encouraged and offered support before MoC was even a thought. I'm so glad to have you around. And I will most definitely mail you that bottle of Pinot Grigio for your 21st. <3
Thomas - If anyone would have told me earlier this year that we would not only become friends, but also make the best team... I would have most likely laughed in their faced and told them to get lost. I love how things have turned around, and I love that we have bonded over the past few months. Getting to know you better has changed so much, and I'm so excited to see what the future has in hold for us. There is no doubt that we can make ridiculous things happen together, and I'm so appreciative to have your support in all of this. Let's show everyone what we got, eh?!
Ian - We may not talk to each other much, but I know that we have this mutual love and respect for one another, and it's pretty fucking awesome, if you ask me. I have been blown away by your support, and I'm so, so thankful that you're still here, still around, and still willing to contribute in amazing ways. You are an incredible writer, my friend, and your sarcasm/wit never disappoints, either. Thank you for taking part in this crazy adventure, and thank you for all your support.
Andrew - I almost feel as though we met on accident, all thanks to the almighty Clint Mansell. It's truly amazing to see how our friendship has evolved since we first spoke to each other on Twitter back in June. Our conversations may revolve around food, shitty ex partners/people and how broke we are, but they always bring a smile to my face. I wish the best for you and I have no doubt in my mind that sooner or later, you will catch the break you deserve. Your work (books) is too good not to be noticed. But I'll be here to help you achieve your goals and dreams in any way I can, as I know you will help me with mine.
Kyle S - I spent most of my September talking to and laughing with you, and you became such a huge part of my life... seemingly out of nowhere. You helped fill such a huge void at a time of need. But most importantly, you made me feel good about myself, and you made me feel like there was more to me than I was giving myself credit for. I can't wait to see what you can do in the future, because if there's any journalism kid that I think can make it out there, it's you.
Nick - I still can't get over how involved and passionate you are about this entire project. It's kind of mind blowing, and even though I have yet to really wrap my mind around it all, I just want you to know that I'm extremely thankful for everything you've done so far. Meeting and hanging out with you at the Typhoon after party in August 2011, was one of the best music experiences I've ever had. I can't wait to see what we can accomplish together.
Dre - Forget what you've gotten "used to" in the past, because everyone on MoC loves you. I'm amazed that your talent went unnoticed until now, but in a selfish way, I'm also happy because we now get to reap the rewards! I love that we connected, and I love that you followed and supported me every step of the way in this journey. I sincerely hope that you will be around for a long time to come, because I want your work to get noticed as much as I want you to help the site succeed. You are truly amazing at what you do, and I consider myself lucky to be your friend.
Alex - I think it's been about 10 years since we have known each other, which absolutely blows my mind. At the same time, it saddens me that we have yet to meet, especially considering that you were one of the first internet friends I felt affection toward. To this day, you remain one of the best people that I have come across, not just on the internets but in general. I hope we'll always keep in touch in a way or another, because I love you long time, my friend.
Chris C - We may not always see eye to eye, but you've always been very supportive of my work over the years, which I appreciate so much. No compliment or word of support that you've given me over the years, will ever be forgotten. Thank you for being in on this with me, and thank you for helping make me believe that I could have so much more.
Cody - You will always go down as one of the funniest people I have met on this website. Your carefree attitude, and not to mention your amazing voice, will forever make me smile. One of these days I'll make it up to for you smacking you with Kevin's Simba! In all seriousness, thank you for all the encouraging messages and for repeatedly telling me that you have my back. It means so much. And thank you for the fun memories in Minneapolis. I hope we get to relive those moments sooner rather than later.
Jacob - We don't know each other that well personally, but you've been one of my avid "readers" for as long as I can remember, and your support on AP.net has always meant so much. Thank you for being a part of this; I can't wait to work alongside you.
Shout out to my AP co-workers (Christian, Keagan, Deb, Greg, Drew.. ) as well, who have been far more supportive than I could have ever hoped for. I may bust your balls on the regular like it's my job, but I think you all know that deep down, I do have a soft spot for each and everyone of you.
I can't end this without mentioning people like Chris K: you have always been there, and I hope you will always be because I really can't and don't want to imagine what it'd be like to not have you in my life. Your "You're the closest thing to a sister I've ever had" comment made me cry a few months ago, as it's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. Thank you for showing up and surprising me for my birthday, and thank you for having my back no matter what. I love you.
And people like JC: it breaks my heart to see you go through so much, but I hope you know that things are bound to look up. I need you to hold on and continue doing you, because people like me need you around. You are wonderful and you deserve so much more. But you know what? I'm not worried in the slightest, because I know that better days are just around the corner. Love you and all the little things you always do for me.
And people like Özgür: how did we even get here? I feel like we went from talking about Icelandic bands, to becoming this awesome "bff" duo. But it doesn't even matter, and I've never questioned it. You're one of the few people that I can talk to as openly as I do, because even though we have yet to meet, you make me feel at ease, and you make me comfortable to be myself without having any walls up. It would make me hours to note all the things that make me appreciate you as much you do, but I'll leave it at this: you're one of those friends that most people wish would have in their lives, and I don't know what I did to deserve having you in mine, but I couldn't be happier. Thank you for always making me smile, for listening to me vent, cry and "lose my shit" over this and that, but mostly, thank you for caring and making me feel like I can always run to you; you are truly a part of my safety net, and I hope that won't ever change. Love you.
And people like Adam: if there's one person in the industry that I hope will make it, it's you. You have an undeniable love and passion for music, and I really hope that the right person will notice one of these days, and give you your dream job. But really, I've no doubt that you'll make it far, because greatness is bound to get noticed. You, my friend, are a gem.
And lastly, my dear friend Ryan Graveface. I've been lucky enough to befriend many musicians and people in the music industry, but I'm happy to say that (somehow!!!) you are the one I'm closest to and care about the most. We may both be weird in our own ways, but our friendship just... makes sense. You've opened so many doors for me, and you continue to every day. But above all, you've given me a friend that I know I can always trust and depend on, and that is priceless. Thank you.
I love far too many kids on AP, and I've undoubtedly left out so many here, but I'd still like send some love to Roshan, A.j and Wade, because they have a special place in my heart.
Last but not least, I'd like to take a moment to announce that I adore my cat. And he's the one thing/creature that I know I could not live without. That's all.
*******
I felt thankful enough to take the time to write this long blog two hours ago, and I'm happy to say that I feel even more thankful now than I did then. Life may take a huge shit on me every now and then, but nothing will ever take away from the fact that I am so incredibly blessed. These people here, and so many more, have provided me with the best support system that anyone could ever ask for. I'm in awe, and I'm overwhelmed. So really, I have no choice but to go have some wine, right? | | Tags: love, friends, madeofchalk, snoopy |
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