i smell like it. we ran out of regular bar soap this morning, apparently, and a bar of sandalwood-scented soap was all i could find. i am a walking stick of incense. add this to my bloodshot eyes--because i sleep with my eyes half open--and i can only imagine the image i present. this scent is radiating off me. makes me kinda wish i was smoking. hell, all the bindery workers i walk past in the morning probably think i lit up a doob before i showed up. so why not at least get some fun out of it?
i wonder what they think of me. i come in through the back entrance so i can punch the time clock, and during the last week and a half there has been at least one person out there taking a smoke break. i feel like clarice starling at the very beginning of "the silence of the lambs," when she comes off the training course and has to get into an elevator full of burly men. it's uncomfortable. i work up front, in a cube, with a computer. they work in the back, assembling printed materials. and in the morning, i am on parade.
ugh. this coffee tastes like poopy shit.
i digress. i'm trying not to let this bullshit with my father color my day, and more importantly the final 12 days before my wedding. janine suggested i call my mom while dad's out of town and let her know how i feel. janine's wondering if my dad is truly taking this seriously, if he realizes that despite its limited scope, this is in fact my very. real. wedding. and the government may not recognize it in North Carolina or most of the other 50, but that does not change a thing. this is not just playing house. i am getting up there in a white suit and proclaiming my love in front of our family and friends, and at the end the minister will sign the marriage license and we will be legally married.
i think...no, i know, that part of the reason this hurts so much is that i am genuinely worried that come november, people's prejudice will get the best of them and they will vote yes on proposition 8. it happened in oregon. all those marriages invalidated. rights simply stripped away. so part of my anger and my worry toward that happening is being projected onto my mule of a father. but i know he's a mule. i knew it before i sent him those emails yesterday. i played the one ace i had: seeing me as his daughter whose rights will be taken away (and continually suppressed) willingly by this man and the people he represents. mccain supports invalidating my marriage. he believes janine and i cannot create a stable, loving household for our children, that only a man and a woman can do that. i will not get into how offensive this is to much of the population of single mothers and fathers, and grandparents raising children, etc.
but by extension, that is the message i am getting from my father, whether he realizes it or not. either way, my ace is wasted on the mule. and i wonder, if i cannot convince my own father that mccain is not the man who should be running this country, how could i convince anybody else?
does my father really understand that my wedding is real?
i can't think about this anymore right now. the anguish and the sandalwood are making it too difficult.
i love you. you have always been a great dad, even if sometimes you are stubborn and a bit deaf when you want to be. you have always been there to listen, and you love me for who i am. i know you are proud of me. you taught me how to ride a bike. you always encouraged me to do my best in school and in life, to do what was right. you came to all my softball games and played catch with me in the yard. you took me to buffalo bills games as a kid, just me and you. you took me and billy camping as kids and taught us how to build campfires. throughout my life we haven't seen eye to eye on a few things, but it was always okay because i knew you supported me.
but when i read this:
Sorry but NOTHING you can say about [Sarah Palin] will make me vote for Obama. The man is an empty suit. And Biden isn't a whole lot better.
Trust me when I say I am no huge John McCain fan, but I cannot and will not vote for Barack Obama. ... And as much as I know that the same sex marriage issue is on your front burner, it's down on the list for me.
Can I vote "None of the above"?
I REALLLY Don't want to do this email politics thing and I'm not going to continue the back and forth.
I have stuff to get ready for Reach the Beach this weekend and have to focus on that, Sorry
it makes me sick. you tell me there are outright lies in what i sent you, but you won't list them, and now you have to go because you have to get ready for reach the beach....if they are so blatantly obvious, it shouldn't be too hard to type them, or fucking bold them and send it back. whatever.
this is my fucking life. same-sex marriage is on my "front burner" BECAUSE IT IS MY FUCKING LIFE. this is me and janine and our marriage ON SEPT. 22 and this man McCain wants to take it away, throwing his support behind the ban. you're going to come to california and watch us get married in shakespeare garden in golden gate park and then vote for this man? this one who says
I support the efforts of the people of California to recognize marriage as a unique institution between a man and a woman, just as we did in my home state of Arizona. I do not believe judges should be making these decisions.
you said the same "none of the above" thing about kerry in 2004, and you voted for bush again anyway.
McCain says on his issues page that
[He]believes the institution of marriage is a union between one man and one woman. It is only this definition that sufficiently recognizes the vital and unique role played by mothers and fathers in the raising of children, and the role of the family in shaping, stabilizing, and strengthening communities and our nation.
and you can still sit there and type these things? vote fucking "none of the above" but do not fucking vote for this man. you want to look me in the eye and say that janine and i won't create a loving and stable family for our children, for your grandchildren? you think our home will be something lesser? something not as good? that the lessons you taught me as a child and that janine's parents taught her magically won't carry over because one of us is not a boy? that our family of two loving parents who care about their children won't strengthen the community we live in?
i call bullshit. come to my wedding and watch us say our vows and be LEGALLY wed and sit at our reception and celebrate and make a fucking toast about how much you love us and you are glad we are together and happy, how proud you are of your little girl, but it will all be fucking hollow in the end, completely negated, if you pick this sack of 72-year-old shit. a politician who takes a position like that, well, that's a fucking deal breaker for me, that's for sure.
i know you love me dad, and that you always will, but this is a tough one to take. i shouldn't have e-mailed you today. not before the wedding. not while i still need to finish my vows and pick out the fucking music and get my suit tailored. i should have waited. because now i am the one who is suffering.