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The Remnants of Uncertainty...
I am an Artist
01/25/10 at 01:38 AM by cassusriff
I am an artist of reality.
I paint a picture of simple things.
My brushes are deliberate
My intent is purposeful
My picture is misery.

I am an artist of lost dreams.
I mold a model of empty things.
My shapes are dull
My corners are rounded
My model is a hidden plea.

I am an artist of faithlessness.
I sing a song of apathy.
My notes are flat
My lyrics are uninspired
My song is a machine.

I am an artist of melancholy.
I write the words of disparity.
My penmanship is sloppy
My words are forced
My rhetoric lacks of glee.

I am an artist.
I create the art of true feeling.
My effort is sound
My heart is real
I am an artist.

Even when I'm off beat.
Tags: poetry, might as well give it a shot, feels good, personal, whatever
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2009: A Year in Review
12/31/09 at 08:22 PM by cassusriff
I know I already wrote about what I expect from 2010, but that was in a bit of a different vein.

I remember last year around this time I was sitting at work writing a blog similar to this. And 10 years ago there was no such thing as a blog. Things have changed, of course, and this year was no different. Last year at this time I felt like I had just escaped a burning building, eager for a year in which all my hard work paid off and things finally became a bit stable. I had hoped for a year of dividend.

Did that happen? I'd say so. After some soul searching I finally ended up at the college I will graduate from, I settled into a place I know I could live in for a long time, I strengthened my friendships, my relationship with my family, and with a girl that I feel is perfect for me.

The bumps along the way weren't absent though, as I struggled personally with accepting happiness and stability, feeling as if my own life always had to be in turmoil to be function. I held onto grudges and perceptions of things that simply weren't that way anymore. I held onto anger I didn't need to. I made things harder for myself. I fought to get somewhere only to underachieve in my eyes. In the midst of all the good going on in my life, I lost myself.

This all came to a heed weeks ago, when these good things in my life started to slip away. Instead of doing what I did in the past, however, I finally took some action and redirected myself. I fought the urge to be negative and hopeless like I used to be, I dug in deep and found the person I truly am, someone who rises above and makes good out of anything.

I wrote last year that for the first time I felt like I had things together, just a little bit.

I didn't.

Can I say that now? Well, I actually have some sure things coming my way. A degree, a new career, a new way of living. The only thing I need to do? Execute. I said this before, but 2010 is the year of execution. As this new decade begins, I realize that it is probably the most important in my life. My age will span from 21-31 during this decade. I can't even begin to imagine what will happen to me during these next 10 years. In the year 2000, I was 12 years old. I had no idea I was about to meet all the people I did, do the things I did, experience the things I experienced. And these next 10 years will be even more important.

So to recall:

2006 - year of change.
2007 - yaer of fallout.
2008 - year of rebuilding.
2009 - year of dividend.
2010 - year of execution.

It's all in front of me now. I just have to do it. I have to make it all happen now. I got the break I needed. I got the slap in the face I needed. No more excuses. No more negativity. Just execution and happiness.

That's what will lead me into the most important decade of my life.

Happy New Year everyone!

P.S. Entertainment of the year will go up sometime tomorrow, I have been spending time with family and friends and haven't gotten around to it. :)
Tags: 2009, 2010, restrospection, year, personal
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2010: Execution
12/26/09 at 02:24 AM by cassusriff
I have some tough decisions to make for myself.

It seems to me that I am on the right track at the very least. Things about me that have plagued my relationships and my view of myself seem to be disappearing.

Anyone who knows me would tell you that I'm self-aware. Self-reparing? That's another story. But the progress is being made. I decided to try therapy for the third time in the last two years. I'm going to focus on anger management. I have other issues like sleeping at bad times, anxiety, possible OCD, and insecurity, but anger has been the biggest and most damaging of my problems. Anger is what has led me to perform poorly in school, alienate my friends, and cause a (hopefully) temporary break with my girlfriend. I can admit that my childhood wasn't easy. I can also admit that the last few years haven't been a walk in the park. But I can't continue to dwell on these experiences and put them all on my shoulder. Because a chip on the shoulder is one thing, but the whole world is another.

Now back to me being self-aware. I am good at it, but not until I've reacted angrily and caused more damage than I ever intended. I need to be able to accept I've done something wrong without beating myself up or finding fault with someone else when it isn't there. If I forget to do something someone asked me to do, it isn't because I have a shitty dad or because that person wasn't clear enough with me. It's because I got my priorities mixed up. Does that mean I'm a completely useless person? No. Does that mean that I messed up on this specific thing. Yes. I need to clarify that in everything I do. Separate the big things from the little things.

I've been much better about this in the last few weeks. But I've been here before and I won't be fooled by my temporary progress. I'm very weary about therapy again but it is something I need. I'm not going to let them say I'm a good kid who is just stressed or accept any pills. They need to get deeper than that. They need to give me exercises and tips on how to control myself when I get these irrational thoughts. I'm paying for this, I want results. I'm sick of living my life like this and sick of pushing people away. I'm sick of having a short fuse. My career is about to begin and I need to be the person I was throughout the holidays. Fun, happy, exciting, smart, well-mannered, outgoing, and loving.

I've seen the person I can be when I'm clicking in the right way. I even find right now, that sitting here with all this Christmas money, I don't feel the urge to buy a bunch of new toys. I want to spend the money wisely, on practical things that I need. And as smart as I have been with money, I have always been a sucker for frivolous spending. But not right now. I'm picky. Maybe I'm just getting more into my major and starting to see the value of opportunity costs and lowering loss margins. Maybe I'm not relying on retail therapy to make myself happy. Because I feel happy, despite some things that are frustrating and confusing and sad right now. I feel content and confident about where I'm heading and what I'm doing right now.

This isn't where I need to be, I know that. Feeling good about myself, not being angry, and spending wisely for a few weeks during break when I've had a lot of time to relax is progress, but it isn't enough. I want to see how I respond to some actual good therapy for once, while I'm interning and taking 5 classes. I want to see what happens when something doesn't go to plan. Will I falter? Well, I don't want to anymore.

2010 is the year of execution. All the pieces are set, so I just need to go and do what I need to do. Nothing else to it. It's simple. I've been through breakdown and rebuilding and reaping some of the benefits of hard work, but now I need to execute and get results. I don't want anything less than that. So I can continue to wax poetic here, but the truth is...

I just have to go and get it. Now.
Tags: life, 2010, new decade, execution, anxiety, anger, problems, personal
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Evening
12/17/09 at 12:51 AM by cassusriff
The nights are always tough.

When everything else in your life is going well, the days go fast. You get up in the morning with purpose. You get things done during the day. You see people and have good times and live your life.

But then the sun goes down. Your friends leave the bar and head to bed. People aren't around to talk to anymore. Nothing is on TV. It's too late to play guitar or go for a run. You feel alone.

I can say with confidence that this is the hardest part right now. All I want to do when I'm in bed before going to sleep is call her or text her. All I want is her in my arms. But we both know that not talking is the best thing to do right now. I can feel myself growing as a person. Getting things done is building my confidence. I'm not angry or devastated like I have been.

I've missed her support and her affection. I've missed telling her things that I'm excited about. I've missed hearing about her day and helping her through things. But that all proved to be too much right now in our lives. We both have to learn to stand on our own feet without having to lean on each other. Because, only then, can you truly benefit from having someone to lean on. The people in our lives should be safety nets, not crutches. We need our own support from within ourselves.

Because we all have to grow on our own at some point. It's true that we grow together and we grow from our experiences with others. But if you aren't happy alone you aren't happy. A relationship should be two stable, happy lives coming together and making each other happier. You brings strengths and weaknesses and you bring out the best in each other. But if you've lost your strength or never found it in the first place, you have nothing but fear and instability to bring. And that only breeds more of the same. You bring each other down in ways you don't realize. You hurt more than you help. As hard as that is to hear, it's true.

This is the time to be selfish, do what you need. This is the time to have expectations and goals. This is the time to focus on yourself. But I feel like I'm close to being at the place I need to begin to share a life with someone else. Who knows what the future holds?

I hope you still read these. I want you to know I haven't given up on us. I've never been more motivated overall than I am right now. Just know that we are doing the right thing right now. That I don't hate you. Sometimes we have to hurt people to do what's right.

I can see the progress. Maybe next time we meet we will be the missing piece to each other's puzzle as opposed to a whole new puzzle.

If happiness is a warm gun, we can't keep playing Russian Roulette.
Tags: relationships, life, personal, girls
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Strengths and Weaknesses
10/22/09 at 02:16 PM by cassusriff
There is a constant discussion in my head about who I am and what I am about. It always comes down to what I am willing to accept about myself, what I want to work on, and what I need to do more of.

I learned an important thing in my education and experience in the business world. It is much more important to improve on your strengths than your weaknesses. I think that goes against our conventional wisdom. I think we so consistently like to root for the underdog, that we ignore the fact that he/she/they is/are working 10 times harder than someone else just to have a chance to achieve the same results. For example, the famous story about "Rudy" the kid who got into Norte Dame, walked on the football team, and made a tackle on the last play of the year. The story was excellent and really warmed our hearts, but in reality the kid worked 10 times harder than anyone else on that team and only got one play out of it. Hard work was this kid's strength, size and strength and football skills were not.

This is not to say that we shouldn't go against the odds or improve our weaknesses. I don't think any great thing in history would've happened if we people didn't go against the grain every now and then. What I mean by all of this, is that we have to be realistic and smart about the road we take.

I'm not a good dancer, you won't see me on "So You Think You Can Dance" anytime soon. I used to perform in theatre and choir and it was fun, but I was always realistic about it. I was in the upper echelon of performers in a very small sample space. I wasn't ever going to pursue performing as a career because I knew that the talent level I needed simply wasn't there. I surely enjoy it though, and I always have the option to do a community show or something like that. Same goes with football. I am athletic, but I don't have the skills to play in the NFL, so I play intramural flag football at my college and I have a blast. That's all that matters.

But that's not my point. I just think that we tend to focus too much on our shortcomings and how to make them better instead of on what we are good at and how to make those things better. I am an excellent thinker, I tend to understand people really well, I can multitask, I can learn quickly, I can relate to almost anyone. I find these things to be very useful in the business world. What's even better is that I actually enjoy all of this. I also realize that I'd make an excellent college advisor or something along those lines. Nothing looks better than someone who understands what their strengths are and utilizes them to their full potential.

Ever since I've adopted this thought process, my life has been happier and more fulfilling. I am very hard on myself, more so than even the most totalitarian superior. I find that when I accept my weaknesses and improve them where I can and instead focus most of my energy toward my strengths, I am more productive and successful. I will probably never stop being anxious about what people think, but I can be hyper-aware (something I've very good at) of what I'm thinking and realize that I'm being ridiculous. I probably will always wear my heart on my sleeve, but I can be excellent at thinking and exploring my emotions in a healthier way. And the list goes on...

Focus on strengths instead of weaknesses and you will find yourself performing to the potential you probably thought you always had. You will find yourself happier and finding more success. You'll look at the mirror and smile again because you are proud of something you are doing.

You may even find your niche. And that is the best place for any person to be in their life.
Tags: strengths, weakness, business, school, life, personal
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Happy Stress
07/24/09 at 12:11 PM by cassusriff
Happy stress and anxiety? Is that possible? Iíd say so. There are people out there who work 12 hour days and love their job. There are parents (no really, there are) that spend all day with their kids and love it. So I think itís possible.
*
But in the end, it is still stress and anxiety. So with a week to go at the company Iíve been with for over 2 years, Iím starting to feel the anxiety and the stress. But Iím happy. Iím cracking jokes at work, smiling most of the day, brushing off minor setbacks. For example, this morning I was late, I spilled my starbucks as I got out of my car, I had to walk through sprinklers to get into the building, and the phones were busy when I got in. I laughed it off and kept going. Thatís very unlike the person I have been in the past.
*
The whole prospect of going to UC Davis to finish my degree, to give myself the opportunity to get a degree so I can start an actual career instead of working these entry-level jobs, to finally get a shot at being a Ďrealí college student again (and by Ďrealí college student I mean NOT working more than 20 hours a week and actually staying on campus all day as I go to classes that are actually challenging and exciting) has me very excited.
*
But Iíve been here before, obviously Iíve never been this close, but Iíve been here. I went to Arizona State out of high school and I left after a year for so many reasons. The last two years Iíve been working at Blue Shield and going to the four community colleges in this area. I almost went to UC San Diego, I almost went to University of Washington, I planned on moving to LA, I almost joined the Navy. Iíve had a different goal every few months it seems.
*
So when I finally got focused and did what was best and most intelligent, I decided to go to UC Davis. I have a great major (Managerial Economics), I got great financial aid (half scholarships and grants, half loans), I figured out a way to graduate in one year instead of two, I found a cheap, efficient, environmentally friendly way to commute (biking and riding the train), and I even managed to find a part time job on campus.
*
It all fell into place. Itís all there. Itís all done. In a little over a week Iíll start my summer session there.
*
So why the anxiety and stress? Because EVERYTHING is changing. Iíve been trying to get here for three yearsÖ and now that it is here I donít know what to do. Iíve had a certain comfort level being at Blue Shield the last few years and Iím leaving that. Iím challenging myself with the most difficult classes Iíve ever taken and Iím taking a heavier schedule than most students because Iím trying to graduate in one year. Iím switching from driving to biking and using public transit. Iím holding myself to a much stricter budget because Iím not going to be making the same amount of money. Itís all great, but god dammit it is scary.
*
I keep waiting for something to fall apart. But it canít. There will be minor setbacks, there always will be. But I got all the major stuff figured out.
*
I donít know many people whoíve taken as many risks and accepted as many failures and gone through as many changes as I have the last 3 years. This one is major and it is understandable that Iím a bit anxious for it. But shouldnít I be used to this by now?
*
Iím afraid though. Itís why I havenít bought any school apparel. For every college I almost went to I bought a shot glass, a hoodie, or something with the schoolís name and I always ended up not going. I took my bike in for a major tuneup because I fear that it will fall apart on the first day I ride to school. Iím buying my books as early as I can. Iíve budgeted myself out for a whole year. I havenít officially sent an email to all my friends in the company letting them know that my last day is a week from today (though my notice is in of course). Iím treading carefully. And everyone who is close to me feels the pressure and the anxiety too. They know Iím on the brink of where Iíve wanted to be for years. They know I need this to work and frankly, they do too.
*
Hereís to hoping. Hereís to futures and changes. Hereís to a new chapter that truly pays the dividends.
Tags: Stress, life, school, work, change, more serious personal blogging
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The End of May
05/25/09 at 11:40 PM by cassusriff
Interesting weekend. To recap:

My room underwent a bit of a redesign. My mom got me a new desk and a new bed set. My room has a very distinct contemporary design with black furniture. I also got a bluetooth apple keyboard to go with my bluetooth mouse and MiniDVI to HDMI cable. What all this means? Well, I'm in bed typing this while I stare at my 42" Sharp Aquos TV. I have a nice portable macbook, but I also have a 42" monitor to use while in my awesome room. Of all the living spaces I've ever had, this is definitely my favorite. The house in general is amazing and has really factored into my decision to stay here for school.

During the weekend I saw Terminator (awesome movie), hung out with my girlfriend, smoked hookah with some old friends, watched some sports, went shopping with my mom, and went to my cousin's high school graduation party.

The graduation party was very interesting. I remember when my cousins were freshman in high school and I was a senior. Now I'm three years removed from high school and really beginning my adult life. I keep getting asked if I feel different now that I'm 21. Initially I always say no because I don't drink much more now and I never drank much in general, but when I think about it I do feel different. I feel older now. I feel more removed from everything than ever before. Maybe this has to do with living in this house with my older friends. Maybe this has to do with making the decision about going to UC Davis. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that all my friends are getting to this place too. When we hang out we talk about college majors, careers, graduating from college, moving, jobs, relationships and where they are heading. We talk about our plans for marriage and kids.

It is all very overwhelming, but it is incredibly exciting. I see pragmatism in the decisions the people around me are making. I don't think any of us have really throw away our dreams, I just think we are all growing up and realizing we have to do things to survive and make a decent life for ourselves. Seeing my friends making big decisions and finding happiness makes me very happy.

My family and I are doing well too. It was nice shopping with my mom, good to talk to her again and put the last few months behind us.

The summer is promising. The semester is over and now I'm working to get everything together to go to school this fall. Loans, orientation, registration, paperwork, etc. Of course, I'm still working full time. My girlfriend is leaving to be a counselor at girl scout camp in a week so I won't see her much. Basically my summer is not extremely busy but definitely not a breeze.

I also got the go-ahead to do Razia's Shadow with the theatre company. I need to talk to my old high school to see if they would let us perform there. I don't know if I can pull this show together during this summer, but I can definitely try. I'll update more on that as it happens.

That should be all for now. Till next time.
Tags: razias shadow, performance, technology, life, personal, school, family, friends
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20x30 (One Year Later)
05/13/09 at 03:35 AM by cassusriff
So last year I put together a list of 20 things I wanted to do before I turned 30. Well, here I am one year later and let's see if I've made any progress.

Quote:
In honor of turning 20 (and mainly because I need to make this b-day mean something because 20 is a pretty useless age) I'm going to make a list of "20 things I want to do before I'm 30". I call it my 20X30 list. Don't make fun of me, I may not be an aspiring actor like many of friends are, but I still have the dreamer in me. You're about to find out just how motivated I actually am.

Without further ranting, here is my list:

20. Attend all the big Concerts: Bamboozle, Bamboozle Left, whatever else is out there. I used to go to shows all the time and I've recently started going regularly again, but I definitely need to go to these big ones sometime soon.

Haven't gone to ANY shows this year. Though the plan is to head to the east coast for Bamboozle next year.

Quote:
19. Attend ComicCon and the Sundance Film Festival: Hate to put these into the same category, but talk about the top entertainment festivals. These are events anyone can go to and enjoy, so I want to do it.

Nope, haven't done this either. Though, ComicCon is still a possibility.

Quote:
18. Run a Marathon: I know it's crazy, but this is a great way to stay healthy and having a goal like this will require months of training and focus. I really want to do it.

Training for this currently, hope to do one by the end of this year.

Quote:
17. Triathalon: Goes hand in hand with the Marathon. Might as well do one of these too.

This will be the natural progression after my first marathon.

Quote:
16. Go Bungie Jumping: I've been skydiving, this is naturally something I should try right?
Not yet. :(

Quote:
15. Go Rock Climbing: I'll probably do a smaller scale climb this summer with my friends, but I want to climb an actual mountain at some point.

Well, I didn't do any rock climbing last summer... but I actually live with three of my friends now so maybe that changes this summer?

Quote:
14. Go Hang Gliding: I'm quite the thrill seeker aren't I? You only live once, so why not put your life in danger to make it more exciting?

I really want to do this.

Quote:
13. Shark Diving: Not sure if it's called that, but It's when you get in a cage and lower yourself into a sea with sharks. I hear it's just breathtaking... and again, another risky thing.

Do I think I'm immortal?

Quote:
12. Go to a Superbowl: Preferably one in which the 49ers are playing, but it's the biggest sport event of the year, I have to go at some point.

I don't expect to do this one until my late 20's.

Quote:
11. Mardi Gras: It's just one of those events that is made for someone in their 20's. Besides, New Orleans is back and needs people to make it what it used to be!

I was single back then, my desire to go to Mardi Gras is not as great as it was. Though it would still be a fun trip.

Quote:
10. Casino Hoppin' in Vegas: I'm going to Vegas in a few weeks... but I'm sure it will be a bit better when I go with all the guys after I turn 21. Sports gambling, stay at a fancy hotel, do all the fancy expensive stuff, start drinking at 10am, just live it up.

Well, I'm 21 now so this is possible. Will have to wait until we all have a bit more money. I do think this will happen sooner than later though.

Quote:
9. Spring Break in Cancun: If I end up going to San Diego, this may happen sooner than I think. This is something I have to do in my early 20's or else I'll just look like a creeper.

Again, not feeling this as much now. But we will see.

Alright, now for the big goals.

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8. Study Abroad and Travel: If I end up going to UCSD, I plan on studying abroad my senior year, most likely for two quarters somewhere in West Europe. When I eventually go to grad school I'll probably study somewhere in Asia. I'm not expecting to see all of the world before I'm 30, but seeing as how I've only been to the Phillippines, Mexico, the West and East Coast of the U.S. and Hawaii in my first 20 years, I want to catch up a bit.

Didn't end up at UCSD, but I still see myself heading to Europe either this summer (for a short stay) or next summer probably for a month.

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7. Go on a Mission Trip: Those who know me know that I'm not religious. I'm a humanist though, so I believe in helping people. I have the same desire to help as anyone and I want to make a difference and live for someone other than myself.

What sucks is that a person's charity is limited by their money and time. I have neither right now. I've been trying to organize charity events but this is something I want to do when I'm more stable.

Quote:
6. Get my Undergraduate Degree: It's looking like that will be a B.A in Economics with a minor in Psychology and an International Certification to go with that.

This is THE NUMBER ONE GOAL right now. I am working on cramming two years of classes into the next year so I can get this damn degree. 2010 or bust is my goal.

Quote:
5. Get an MBA from a top 15 program: Pretty damn lofty goal isn't it? I like a lot of the east coast schools like NYU, Columbia, UPenn, and Chicago, but of course I'll look at Berkeley and UCLA too. This is one of the biggest goals of my life. I want an MBA before I'm 30 and I want to go to a pretty damn good school.

This will definitely happen before I am 30. Count it.

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4. Work at a good place: Considering most of my goals have been pretty specific, this one is very vague. The point is that I want to do something I love, which is anyone's dream isn't it? I just don't want to be stuck at Blue Shield the rest of my life.

This is all relative. I just got promoted at Blue Shield. I will likely take the year off to finish my degree, but I wouldn't be against coming back as long as I came back as an analyst or some higher position like that. I'm done with process work and I am getting my degree so I can start to build my business/analytical/financial career.

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3. Start a Business: I'm not looking for it to be very successful before I'm 30, but I want to get it rolling. I have many ideas: A Record Label, a Publishing Firm, some sort of internet company, a Venue, a Restaurant, etc. I just want to start something, what's the point of an MBA if you aren't going to do your own thing one day?

Ideas are constantly floating in my head. I do not possess any capital to begin this, but I do have contacts that I know will be useful in the future. In this economy now though? Not likely. This is years down the road.

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2. Publish a Book: One of the greatest goals of my life. I have three stories I'm working on that are in my head. I don't care if they are best-sellers or if they appeal to a very small market. I just want to see one of my books on the shelves and online before I'm 30.

I got closer to finishing a story this year than I ever have. The main thing is that I need to sit and take some time to really make it good. My writing needs some work and I need a story that I can really make into something great. But this dream is nowhere near dead and will get done.

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1. Live Well: Notice how I don't have marriage or kids as a goal? There are certain things in life that you can't force or plan. If I plan to be married before I'm 30, I'm just setting myself up. I don't want to rush myself into anything as serious as marriage just because of my age. My number one goal for the next decade is to just live. To not settle or fall into anything because it's easy.

I like how profound I was. What is funny is how one person changes your perspective. I am in a relationship now and of course I always think optimistically, so now I see myself getting married before 30 and having kids after.

My priorities have definitely been adjusted a bit in the last year. My top 8 goals were pretty right on. I find that the ones before that are interchangeable. Also, I do not fret that I haven't really completed any of the goals in the last year. I've set the framework for many of them and I can see 2 or 3 being done by next year.

So what have I done in the last year?

Amazing trips to LA, finding the girl I've always wanted, moving into a place that actually feels like home, getting a promotion, 49ers game, Giants game, drinking with my friends, fall outs with family and reconciliations, growing up, maturing, enjoying the holidays again, making great friends, losing other friends, listening to great music and watching great shows, discovering new likes and dislikes, life-changing experiences.

So, list or not... it's been a great year.

Oh and btw, I'm 21 now... so uh, I can imagine things are gonna get better.
Tags: 20x30, 21, goals, life, bucket list, year, personal
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Older But Still Young
05/06/09 at 01:18 AM by cassusriff
Oh shit. I'm almost 21. You know what that means? Well aside from the copious amounts of alcohol I will consume next week, it is time for introspection galore.

Last year I remember I was gasping for some clarity. I needed a win, somewhere in my life. I felt lost, hopeless, lonely, worthless. My birthday changed all that. I started dating randomly, going out more, developing a plan to get out of here, having fun, feeling good. In July I left for San Diego. I felt alive. I was the quintessential adult/college student. I was free and in control of everything.

But I wasn't.

The rest of that story has been well-documented. I can't exactly see how I got here, but here I am. I find that the person I am now is much different. I feel like I finally just decided to grow the fuck up, for lack of a better phrase. The unrealistic expectations and dreams haven't faded, but they have evolved into realism. In the last year, I've finally seen enough of the many people who wander aimlessly chasing things that are ideal but not real. I kept trying to find my ideal world while trying to mask it as a hybrid between that and realism. I was kidding myself.

There are two lessons I've learned in the last year.

1) Life isn't going to wait for you. You have to take opportunities where you can get them. You take risks and you take hits but if the investments work out even half the time, it is well worth it. Starting over is fine, but eventually you have to run some sort of course or else you'll never be on track to anything. Life is a marathon, not a race. There is a long road to travel and altering the course too much just proves counterproductive.

2) As short and unpredictable as things are, there is no need to rush. I get it, the two lessons are a bit of a contradiction. But hear me out. I think the main reason I've been able to adapt some realism into my life finally is because I realized that I don't need to have everything I've ever wanted at the age of 21.

Yea, I'll admit that getting a degree is such a priority that I've dropped the notion of trying to recreate a college dorm life with no responsibility in a bustling city with culture and prestige in favor of a college that I can just simply fucking graduate from. But there is nothing wrong with that. I don't need to go to Europe right now. I don't need to go to a fancy university for my undergrad degree. I don't need to be thinking about graduate school yet. Nope. The truth is that I sold that out 2 years ago. I just kept thinking that I was still a college kid when I've really been a full-time working-class citizen. The fact that I've even continued school full time is impressive.

I was at a college, living poor and free, accumulating debt and making good and bad memories. I came home for the summer, took a temp job in a corporate setting and a month later I was vying for a permanent position and opting out of the college life. I conceded to community college and kept myself happy with the notion that I would return to that life eventually.

But that idealism led me to costly mistakes. Fortunately for me, it also led me to the best situation I've ever been in. The truth is, I held out in the sell-out world I kept trying to get out of and found myself an amazing girlfriend, 3 awesome friends that I share the sickest bachelor pad with, a new found independence, a jump-start on my career that very few people have, and a general happiness.

I still work my ass off, and I still want better for myself. I haven't completely sold out. I'm not putting any dreams on hold, instead I am adapting. Why go to a college for the college experience when I'm not that person? No matter where I go I'll have to work or take a loan and power through anyway. I've never nor will I ever have the ability to just sit in an apartment eating pizza all day while decided whether I should go to class or not. No, I do my homework early because I know I'll be busy all week with other things.

The point is, there is still a fancy college out there for me. My undergrad degree will hopefully come sooner than I think. I'm positioning myself to have a steady place to live, a good education, and be an viable candidate in what will be an (hopefully) emerging job market. I've done all of this while throwing out the bad in my life and keeping the good. Tonight, I am happy. I got a new start without having to skip across the country and uproot my entire life. What's even better is that option will be there in a few years from now. And how old will I be then? 23? 24?

Yea, I have a lot of time left.
Tags: personal, life, 21, job, college
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Waking Up In A New Beginning
04/26/09 at 05:34 PM by cassusriff
I'm sitting in Starbucks paying for a few hours of internet so I can do some homework and take care of a few other things while I wait for the internet to get set up at my new place.

It's been a crazy journey to this point. A lot has changed and I have to say it is all for the better. I already feel at home in my new place after one day. I am excited about a new start. I've been accepted to 3 colleges so far (UC Davis, UC San Diego, Univ of Oregon) and I am waiting to hear from Univ of Washington. My initial response is to lean toward attending UC Davis because of the stability I have established in this area. I have a job (which is more than a lot of people can say these days), I have friends here, I know the area, I wouldn't have to pay an arm and a leg to attend, and I would come out relatively strong financially and with a degree accompanied with 4 years of business experience.

Yes, the draw of going to Oregon or Washington is there. I love Eugene and I love Seattle. The areas and the colleges are magnificent. But the costs are huge, and it also involves uprooting my entire life for the 5 time in the last 3 years. To be honest, after the move this weekend, I am a bit tired of all the change. I've also come to realize that I have always yearned for something different but never really took the time to enjoy what I have. I think my family has made me want to leave this area for so long, but the truth is that with this move I have more distance from them. I don't live with my brother anymore, my mom doesn't know where I live anymore, no one does. The house is a refuge of sorts. I feel like there is no pressure when I'm there.

The move was exhausting in every way. My family fought and argued throughout it all. I was disowned by both parents repeatedly only to have them call again to yell at me. I had my brother, who just needed some guidance, getting tugged around every which way. Finally, my common sense prevailed and he went to the only certain living situation that he had at this time. His car got repossessed, but I think he has a stable environment now that will allow him to work himself back up. I can honestly say that even with the less than favorable living situation we had, I really looked out for his best interests and mine when we moved, even if it meant going against my parents and having them come down on me pretty hard.

Throughout the process, my girlfriend was amazing. I've never had anyone in my life like her. She helped more than anyone in my family ever could, and kept me going when I was breaking down due to the pressure. I couldn't even begin to repay her for what she's done for me, but I will do my best. She truly is one of a kind, not letting her go.

My friends that I have moved in with are also one of a kind. They had the help of their families and knew that I didn't, but they went to bat for me and have come through in every way. I couldn't be in a better living situation than the one I am in now.

All of this makes me want to stay. Why go and pursue change when what you have is so good? If I've distanced myself from the one thing that is difficult, my family, then why do I need to run any further? I've got the perfect combination of a house with guys I can watch sports and play pool and drink beer with and a girlfriend who is always there for me and will also want to watch sports, play pool, and drink beer. I have a good job, an acceptance letter from a great school in the area, and a fantastic place to live. Sorry if I don't really feel the pressure to leave that all behind right now.

I'm sore and tired. But I am damn happy.
Tags: moving, life, school, friends, family, girlfriend, personal
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Irony
02/21/09 at 04:17 PM by cassusriff
Friday night: Dump your therapist, saying that are happier and more content than ever.

Saturday morning: Find yourself a whole new set of issues. Realize that your stress will never end. Freak out about all the little things again. Doubt every decision you've made to this point. Feel regrets and loneliness and failure spread through your entire body.

Saturday night: Try to get over it.

That's me in a nutshell.
Tags: personal, annoying
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Repair
01/21/09 at 01:09 AM by cassusriff
I truly am living for the weekend lately.

But I'm constantly swamped... mostly by things I hate doing and the rest of the time by things I want to do. I'm out of sorts. I come home upset every night. I can't sleep because I have too much on my mind. I can't eat because I'm too stressed. I'm even having trouble getting myself pumped up about anything.

I hate these months... because for the last 3 years I've always had to wait on something. I'm waiting for college decisions or scholarship decisions or figuring out where I'm going to move. It's always something. I hope this is the last year I do that for a while. It would be nice to go to a 4-year college and graduate this time. It would be nice to not have to work a shitty full-time job while in school. It would be nice to live on my own and do my own thing and not have to worry too much about other people.

But still, I count my blessings every day. My friends, my girl, my family, my job (though it really really sucks), my education, my place, and my possessions. I can't complain with all of that.

I just don't believe in settling. And just because I have a lot of good stuff doesn't mean I shouldn't strive for better. Because for now this is fine, but I expect to be in a completely different place come September.

A better place.
Tags: life, personal, blah blah, who reads this?
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Looking Back On Today...
12/31/08 at 12:06 PM by cassusriff
So I'm at work on New Year's Eve. Just like last year. Something is different though. At this point last year I was a wreck. I had lost many things that were dear to me.

I was less than a month away from moving out. I had just ended a three-year relationship. I had just lost a person who was very integral in my growth as a person. My plans had failed. My expectations had fallen. I was alone. I was anxious and downtrodden.

I was pathetic.

So I started writing again. Self-reflective stories and blogs. I revived one of my greatest passions after inexplicably ignoring it for a few years.

Quote:
This lack of enthusiasm, care, eagerness, what have you, would plague the many months that followed in my 19th year.

2006 was my year of change. I graduated high school, moved to Arizona, met new people and did new things. I was a man... or so I thought.

2007 everything fell apart. I truly became a man that year, not because I became self-sufficient or anything, but because I paid for my mistakes. Because I finally had to own up to my actions. Once I had returned from Arizona, I had found that everything I left behind was weaker than before. My support system was falling.

Quote:
Later that month, my spirit and my mettle were tested when an old teacher, a mentor, and a friend of mine died. I received the news in the worst way, while I was with my girlfriend of the time on a nice date. He was the kind of mentor that made you hate him and pulled every one of your strings until you were completely unraveled. He pushed you to the edge of a cliff and he dared you to jump. He shook your spirit and put it back together just before it would completely disappear. He taught me theatre, and I don't love theatre and I don't want to pursue it as a life goal, but his lessons were transparent and golden. I didn't need to be in theatre to cherish them.

Then it all fell apart. The last thing I had to hold onto, which sadly was my faulty three-year relationship, finally gave way.

Quote:
And then I got blindsighted. And my three-year relationship was over. On the day the new campaign began at work. Just when the future was looking up. And this blow knocked me out for months. The holidays were empty and meaningless. I didn't eat for weeks after the breakup so my favorite holiday (Thanksgiving) was ruined. Christmas was stressful as usual and I just didn't have the love in my heart to get through it. I hated my families for making me travel so much to see them all. I hated the tug of war for everyone to see me when I don't matter during the rest of the year. But I still bought my parents awesome gifts and my siblings as well. I still drove three different places in three days.

I think that explains why I had a predetermined hatred toward the holidays.

Quote:
February was awful, I went to a strip club on Valentine's Day. I sought comfort from a stripper. I was pathetic. I was useless and worthless and etc etc etc.

It was at that point that I realized how far I had fallen. I had no desire, I had lost myself. I thought I was bipolar. I was all over the place, desperate and fake and outside of who I really was.

Quote:
And so now, on this night before my 19th year ends. I'm nearly finished with my classes, on the brink of another big campaign for work, and close to a summer in which I need to make some big decisions, take a few epic trips, and keep things in perspective

This is where I began to turn it around. But even then when I thought I had, everything fell apart once more. I moved to San Diego and was ready to go to a 4-year college again. I was on track to get my Bachelor's degree in 2010 and I was stoked.

But uhh... money?

Quote:
I woke up this morning expecting to work another day at my new job in San Diego, then look at a few places where I could rent a room.

I ended the day back in my apartment in Folsom (near Sacramento).

So at this point I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot. I have negative money, a maxed out credit card, no job, no place, no way to attend school. I start thinking about the month I've had and how it was so great and how it taught me so much about myself. I persevered as long as I could... to the very bitter end. I literally tried and tried until I was absolutely knocked out. And the funny part is that I almost made it. I would have had a rough few weeks, but had that job worked out I would have made it.

But, another one of those 'almost' moments in my life wasn't enough for me at that time.

There it was. In retrospect, it was the best thing that could've happened to me. But at that time...

Quote:
I guess I'm just sick of the failure. I'm sick of the cards never falling right. I'm sick of the disappointment. I can only stay honest and motivated and pure for so long.

And something about this place makes me feel so alone.

So I sucked it up and moved back to my apartment in Folsom. I signed up for classes at the same damn Community College. I went to work for the same damn company in a different department. But in the midst of all that I found some time to myself. I cut back on the social life and took time to explore my creative outlets. I wrote poetry, read, watched movies, just took time to myself while I waited for my new job to begin and for school to start.

Quote:
Have I lost the motivation and drive I used to have? Absolutely not. Have I chilled out and slowed down a bit? Yes.

I've gotten to the point where I will be driving and a smile will come to my face naturally. That is unbelievable. I don't have a girlfriend, I don't hang out with people every day, I'm not out saving the world or anything... but I'm still happy.

For the first time in my life, I'm just happy with who I am and what I do. I don't worry about what people are thinking about me or if they are going to call me back, I just let it roll and enjoy whatever is going on.

Now this is bliss.

I think this is where things began to turn for me. I regained a lot of confidence. I went into the semester and my new job with a whole new outlook, completely recharged. I had my goals set once again and I was finally ready to date again, but only if the right girl came along.

Quote:
During my actual summer vacation, I took time to myself to write, watch movies, relax, exercise, play video games, read, and whatever else I felt like. But I also partied, visited many parts of CA, laughed, done crazy things, and just had an amazing time with my best friends.

I topped all of that off with an amazing last week of summer full of good times, good laughs, and good friends.

So I get home tonight and I feel motivated again. I feel like this year isn't going to be about heartache or depression or disappointment, but instead strength, happiness, and success.

Quote:
I realize who I am. And I love who I am. This is somewhere I haven't been often. So now I find that I have a lot to do. I'm not scared and I'm not overwhelmed. But you are damn right if you think I'm being a perfectionist about what I want to do with the next year of my life. I feel a tiny bit unsettled right now because I have a lot I want to do.

See how motivated I got? Isn't that great? A couple more bumps along the way though. My roommate situation didn't go as smoothly as I thought, but eventually it settled. I thought I found the right girl for me, but it turns out it was the NEXT girl that was the one who was right for me.

Quote:
Life is just moving too fast. For the first time I'm feeling a bit resistant to growing up. I'm scared because my actions mean more and more everyday. This isn't high school anymore, I can't just say something stupid and get away with it. People rely on me. People listen to me and care about what I have to say. People are affected by my actions. It's all a bit daunting.

But that all got figured out (you can read in my story The Defining Phrase) and I had a few more cool moments.

Quote:
Just voted for the first time. Feels great. I won't tell you who and how I voted, but I'm pretty sure I picked the right guy ;)

Then everything came together all at once... it was a beautiful moment.

Quote:
I've been searching a long time for you clarity...

It's nice to have you.


So I'm sitting here at work, happier than I've been in years. I have amazing friends who are loyal and fun. I have a girl who fits me perfectly, who is everything I've always wanted. I have a good family and have gotten closer to all of them. I have a good job, two degrees on the way, a guaranteed transfer to UCSD or UCLA, a promising situation with my career and life in general, and a nice place with nice stuff.

I can't complain.

2006 - year of change.
2007 - yaer of fallout.
2008 - year of rebuilding.
2009 - year of dividend.

I know there will be more bumps in the road, but for the first time in 3 years I feel like I have it together, at least a little bit. Instead of last year when I was desperate for a new year just so I could get a fresh start. This time I'm just ready, waiting, willing to keep going. Happy about the direction I'm heading.

Bring on 2009. Happy New Year!
Tags: nostalgia, personal, 2008, year, blog, life
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Clarity
11/09/08 at 02:42 PM by cassusriff
Staring me in the face this whole time.

It's time to go home... it's time to put the pieces back together and see where it leads me.

I've been searching a long time for you clarity...

It's nice to have you.
Tags: personal, life, LA, Sacramento
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Insane
11/08/08 at 07:43 PM by cassusriff
So I should've known that things never go according to plan, but maybe I was just being naive. This weekend has been very insane and intense... I'll recount it all when I get home tomorrow.

I'm just hoping life slows down a bit now... everything is so crazy.
Tags: personal, life, LA
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