I've been searching for something real and tangible. Something strong and everlasting. Something that bends but never breaks. Something that folds but never tears.
I've sought this out in material and friends and experiences and family and false hope and fake love.
I've believed and believed even when I don't believe. I've seen what has been invisible to me. I've touched what isn't even there. I've done this, knowing... but really, hoping, that it would appear one day. That my blind faith would reward me and I could finally ride on cloud 9 with karma by my side.
What I've discovered is that it does exist, but it doesn't mean that life unfolds so easily after you find it. I've discovered that though you can have one very bright light guide you through a cave, you will still find darkness in some areas.
I've discovered that happiness comes with sacrifice, dedication, strength.
Think about your life. Your world. Your existence. Think about what it means. What is important to you. What matters to you. Think about all these things for just a little bit.
Now try something different and think about something else. Think about what's going on in the world and what you can do. I know it's daunting and I know it doesn't seem like there is much you can do. I always like to say that, "If the world is an orchestra, I am but one small instrument." But one small instrument can provide another harmony, another swelling chord, another overtone. One small instrument can sabotage the orchestra. One small instrument can lead the orchestra into a powerful chorus. And combined, many small instruments are what make the orchestra as big and great as it is.
So lets end that metaphor and get back to the point. You mean something. There is more to life than trudging along at the speed of traffic. More to life than what you own. More to life than all your success and popularity.
I think about the great moments of my life. And while images of my curtain calls on stage or my awards or my big moments in front of large groups of people stand out, what rises above are the simple things. The time I told a group of random strangers to pull their car up to the gas pump so I could give them a few gallons to get home because they were broke. Or the time I gave a $1000 scholarship just because I wanted to and helped a high school senior pay for college a little easier, or this heart walk I'm about to do, which I have raised over $200 for that will go to the American Heart Association. I think about the countless friends I've helped find jobs, or helped get through tough times, or took out for a fun time when things weren't going well for them. I think about my family and how we always come back together in the end. I think about the love I've had and not the love I've lost.
I think about these things. And that is where I find meaning. And I'm not trying to come off holier-than-thou here or try to make myself out to be a saint, because I certainly haven't been among the best people in the world.
What I am trying to say is that life matters beyond my nice apartment and my nice TV and my nice phone and computer and iPod and everything else.
I'm just your typical American, I live paycheck to paycheck, I stress over a full time job and I go to college and spend money I don't have so I can eventually get a degree and earn more money so that I can buy a house with money I don't have right after I finish paying off my college loans. I find time for fun when I can. I find happiness in small gestures and small moments and I get by with that. I stress and worry and hope and dream like anyone else. But what I am saying is to think about how lucky we are that we can even do these things. Think about where you are in your life and before you sell yourself short or lament your situation, think about people elsewhere in your city, state, country, or the world that don't have the luxury to even consider dropping an unfavorable situation for another. Think about that... and then tell me you aren't happy with at least one aspect of your life.
Now think about how you can be a small, but effective instrument, because this orchestra isn't going to conduct itself unless we all decide to play together.
I wonder what life would have been like
if you were still by my side.
I try to push the idea that these dreams
live and die with this pretense.
I've fought for almost a year now
and your memory is so persistent.
I've nearly died from this pain
I'm thinking I may never love again.
I once dreamed of a world with you and me
A world where you was all I could see.
I made this mistake and you led me there
and now I'm stuck with my reflection in the mirror.
I see you now and I don't see you.
I see other girls and they don't compare to you.
I wish I could hear something else
besides the echo of my voice.
I wish I could see you again
I wish we could make the past pretend.
So today, and now, and for the distant future
I walk alone with your ghost on my shoulders.
You are practically dead to me
Because I haven't heard your voice in forever it seems.
This is worse than it seems
This is me losing you completely.
This is me trying to figure out things
Without you, it doesn't seem like reality.
Please take the detour. Don't mind the rough roads.
We are driving a long way and the ride is going to be bumpy. We don't have very good direction, we just know we are heading somewhere. People talk about the takeoff. People talk about the destination. But no one talks about how hard it is to get there. No one talks about the long road, how we get lost along the way, how we falter and how we risk our lives for every mile we drive.
I'm 8 hours from home. But I am home now. I am in between. I'm not broken down, but I'm not finished yet. I'm in repair, but I'm also adding something new. I'm under construction.
It's so confusing.
We're dancing in circles. We live on clouds and we crash hard to the ground. Cloud 9 to the 9th circle of hell. Anger and fear. Elation and ignorance. We play dangerous games in silly ways.
We hate. We love. We float above and swim below. There is no medium. We are outliers away from the bell curve.
Nothing makes sense, but we don't want it to. No one gets it, but we do.
Our confusion is frustrating, but at least it's ours.
All we need is a little clarity.
That's all I seek. I don't know where you stand, but I'm searching through the cloudy days. And though my blood pressure is rising and I'm yearning, I'm smiling through the haze.
Waiting for phone calls and e-mails. Money isn't falling like it should. I'm living outside my means. I'm watching days go by and I'm not gaining. I'm not getting closer to anything.
Patience is a virtue, but it taunts me. Patience begs me to give in and fight and ruin the potential.
And the longer I wait for patience, the further I get from clarity. It adds more damage to my construction, more confusion to my purgatory. I drift further from change and being content seems less possible each day.
Don't make me love the home I'm leaving so much that I hate my new home.
No. I don't want that. All I want is to know the road I'm heading. I want to know what I'm constructing, I want to end the confusion.
This sea of fire deep below the earth with a sizeable lack of air. Encouraged by the signs of beauty and the ground I can set my feet upon, but downtrodden and melacholy from the faint signs of life down here.
There is very little air and I steal it quickly while the flames take the rest. I've escaped, yes, from the terrains and the heavy sun, the thick air and the angry river. I've walked through the life and the death, love and despair, pain and pleasure.
Father left me, mother left me, brother and sister left me, friends left me. The seasons lay their will upon me. I'm weary and cold, angry and sweaty, short of breath and weighed down.
Four different moons glare at me. Four different suns blind me. Some of the moons are partial, some are full. Some suns are barely seen through clouds and haze, some illuminate the sky and set it on fire.
Every step bleeds and breaks my skin. The linens have shredded and faded. The bones have weakened. The eyes have lost color in lieu of water. They drown in beauty and disaster. They die soon if not rested.
inspired by Thrice - The Alchemy Index
I lose touch with the world. I live simply in the depths while searching for the essentials. My weakened eyes look around for answers and for sight. My limbs move progressively slower like a dying engine. My skin a weakened shield about to give way. I clench my teeth, hold my breath, bite my tongue and taste blood.