Her stomach swirled with knots as she listened to his voice on the other end.
He cheerily recounted the events of his day, oblivious of her nervousness on the other end.
She found it hard to pay attention when her mind was running rampant with mixed feelings. She tried to hold back interrupting him and blurting out how she really felt and everything she needed to see.
It's almost not worth the fight.
He sounded pleased with himself as he wrapped up his story. She had barely heard a word he said.
I need to tell him. I need to tell him that I'm losing it, that I feel like it's almost gone already. Things are different now.
But what was different? Was it her personal issues? Was it his personal issues?
All she was certain of was that she lost it.
It was the fear of losing someone. The realization that you've figured out how to live without that person.
What was there really if you didn't think you needed them in the same way? If you knew you could wake up on your own and it would still be okay?
Could you ever get it back? Was it the same as completely falling out of love?
Something had changed at some point. It was no longer the fear of losing, but the fear of the truth.
I've been on a roller coaster of emotions the past month or so because of issues with work. It seems as though, even with 3 years put into a job, you're still considered replaceable. Whether or not things were said in the heat of the moment, it makes for an uncomfortable work environment for sure. With this recent development, it makes it pretty hard to get up in the mornings to go to a place that makes you feel so unwanted. I need to find the right direction for myself, but I'm not sure how to do it.
Other than that, there were some hard times dealing with a boyfriend on tour and the different time zones and coming second to the band he works for, but I was thankful to see him for 3 nights during that period of time and then a week together during the Thanksgiving holiday.
Long distance relationships aren't a cake walk, but they can work if both people are clear and vocal with their wants and needs and respectful towards those things. You have to take each day at a time.
With that being said, I had an amazing week with my boyfriend and wouldn't trade those moments and memories for anything in the world. This week reminded me of how grateful I am for this relationship and having him in my life. Of course there are ups and downs, but you have to know how and when to compromise. Pick your battles. Cherish the little things. Always be creative and willing to try new things. Be considerate. Be yourself.
With that being said, it's unbelievably hard to wake up alone after spending a week waking up in someone else's arms. Maybe one day I won't have to wake up alone anymore.
Until then, I have my friends, and technology to keep in contact and keep me busy...not to mention this bottle of champagne at my desk.
Forget your problems
Lay it down, they start up
The innocence of what you are is what I want
I've ran my colors dripped down and drained out
Tried a million things, but my heart's been shot
Well I hope you try to find me, I'm all spun and pacing
I know what you want to say here, so say it
Forget the words speaking
Just want to rearrange so I'll just say it
I really miss you, miss you, say
Smile at the chance just to see you again
I really miss you miss you say
Yeah Yeah Yeah - "Miss you" | Foster the People
"What if I was actually secretly a millionaire and I had houses all over the place and a yacht and you had no idea...and I haven't told you because I wanted to see if you really liked me for the right reasons and you weren't in it for the money." He asked playfully.
I swerved my chair back and forth in thought before replying, "...I think I'd be pretty pissed at you."
"What!" He explained not receiving the answer he was looking for. "Why??"
"Well because...given the amount of time we spend apart because of money...why would you make me suffer like that?"
"Ohhhh, you think you're the ONLY one who suffers?" He questioned, not at all amused.
I fell silent and shifted anxiously in my seat.
He continued with a mixture of frustration and confidence, "Because I wish I could wake up next to you EVERY day."
I felt a smile twitch at the corner of my lips and whispered, "I want that too."
It was all I needed to hear. I could feel my heart swell and ache. I wished that he was more than a phone call away and just right in front of me because in the moment I would have wrapped my arms around him and not let go.
Sometimes on rainy nights I curl up with my pillow and squeeze my eyes shut in hope that, when I open them, you will be next to me.
It sounds overly emotional and perhaps typical of any female, but it's the truth.
For a long time I feared serious commitment. I couldn't comprehend the appeal of waking up and sleeping next to the same person, day in and day out.
This all changed the day I didn't wake up next to you.
Your are my morning and nightly smile.
I truly miss you when you're not here.
Until then, I'm counting down the days until when I open my eyes and you're actually staring back at me.
We're gonna live, we're gonna live, we're gonna live
Like the rest.
“Are you serious?” She said
“I never should have let you in my head
Who the hell do you think that you are?
I see you climbing over innocent hearts
I’ll say exactly what I feel”
“I’m not impressed at all
You really want to know just what I think?
I’m tired of always being second best
Get out and find that pseudo-comfort somewhere else”
We fall to miscommunication
And in that moment I might die
I’ll let you go
If you really mean it all this time, but you didn’t know
I felt misleaded in my mind
I won't comment on this band, but god damn this song. These lyrics.
Where was this song in 2008-2009 when I was losing my mind?
I'm remembering all that was left in the past. The good and the bad.
What did it all mean in the long run?
I'm not saying that I regret it. I genuinely think that certain events and people have shaped me into what and where I am right now.
And right now I'm happy. I've been growing up.
It's just these little reminders that sometimes creep up on me.
I'm down to blogging once a month. I guess it's true what they say...when things finally fall into place, you're less inspired to write. It's the heartbreak that keeps us spilling our guts.
Sometimes I think of things to blog and then the thoughts dissipate as quickly as the way they came in. I'll try and work on that. This blog was supposed to be more about the music than my personal life anyway.
As for a recap of what's been going on:
Bamboozle came and went and it was much better than last year. Saw The Movielife, Wiz Khalifa, Bruno Mars, and the TAYF TBS Lineup for the first time ever -- all had truly awesome moments and I remain a fan.
Watching my favorite album played in it's entirety by one of my favorite bands with some of my closest friends was surreal. It greatly hurt my heart that Adam Lazzara took the stage whilst sick and with little to no speaking/singing voice. Thankfully I was with people who sang every word loud enough to make it an enjoyable experience.
Extra Bonus Points: Spending last week with AbsolutePunk's favorite Aussie: KissTheBottle. It's been two years since we've hung out and this was under much better circumstances. I miss him already.
I plan on traveling in the next few months: 1 stop to Florida, Two stops in Georgia. Though I hate airplanes now more than ever, I'm excited. I like the feel of new places and food and the warm sun. I'm especially excited for summer.
As for shows, I saw Young The Giant in Brooklyn last month and was blown away. It was something that I almost backed out of last minute and I'm glad I didn't. What a perfect show that didn't even include an encore. I highly encourage you to check them out. I'm wondering if anything will top that this year.
Next wee I see Sleigh Bell for the first time since Free Fest last fall and I'm ready to dance my face off.
I guess in many ways life is still the same. I have endless bills and a list of materialistic items that I really want to buy. Family and friend struggles come and go.
Work is work....it has it's ups and downs. I just wish it would allow me to grow more. I'm three years older and I'm still doing the same work. I wish something would come along that would lead me to the next step. At least we still share some laughs, good food, and occasional adventures. So...there's that.
Nothing in life is perfect or certain, but sometimes you meet some who allows you to feel that that's possible down the line. I'm happy in that aspect. I waited a long time for something like this to come along...to be able to feel this way for someone and feel it back in return. Of course at times I'm deathly afraid that life is going to play a cruel joke and ruin it all, but for now, I'm happy.
I don't miss the heartache. Some of it got me to this place and I can't hold a grudge, but other instances I truly wasted my time and emotions for no reason. I refuse to go back to that place. I must forge forward.
Next blog will be more of my old style. I hope everyone is well or at least trying to get to a point of great achievement.
I think things are going okay right now. I think I've found a legitimate reason to smile nearly every day.
In the last two years, I really had lost myself. I constantly felt like I was drowning...being swallowed up by negative influences around me. I kept trying to swim to the surface, but I was only able to tread water for so long. I didn't recognize who I was. I hated how I looked. I hated my daily routine. I felt like I was losing touch with friends. I got involved with guys that broke me down and drama that still stings to this day. I felt like person who normally lit up a room had had her spark burned out. I think I reached a point where I nearly had lost everything that, at one time, made me feel alive and invincible. It is only when you have lost it all, that you truly have everything to gain. Two or three times in my life I've gone through a serious personal overhaul. I ultimately shed the wounded, broken version of my former self, only to fix myself for the better.
Perhaps it sounds trite, but, I'm trying to make things work. I'm in my mid-twenties and it's time to start solidifying my strengths and abilities while still managing to enjoy this little thing called youth. Of course there are the ups and downs: health issues, family issues, friend issues, relationship issues, money issues. There are nights when I can't sleep and days when it takes every ounce of my existence to get out of bed. Nothing is truly perfect...perhaps just ideal at times. But that's just how it is. Ups and downs molding and shaping us. The bad showing us what the good really looks like and the good making us forget, even for a moment, what the bad is really like. So I'll try and take it all in, as best as I can. One day at a time.
I'm no optimist, just someone who's currently inspired.
And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
---- Mumford & Sons
Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting close. If I'll soon walk into everything I've wanted and waited for.
I feel like I deserve this.
I'm not a saint by any means, but I feel like I've dealt with enough crap and heartache to actually deserve a silver lining for a change.
I guess we'll find out soon enough.
or I'll just have to wait longer.
I have to say it now or the fear inside me will truly manifest itself into something dangerous.
I am truly afraid to let my guard down.
I don't quite know why it's come to this, but it exists. I'm scared for myself. I'm scared to open to break down the walls, To invite someone in. Yet, I sit on the other side feeling afraid, lonely, and resentful.
I want people to come in, but I can't seem to open the door. Instead, I pace and worry and overthink it all.
But unexpectedly someone comes along, unlike the others. He is a rarity. Someone who represents what little good still exists in the world. He waits outside my window.
I feel immense fear. I am constantly haunted by the past and how it broke me down, forcing me to build these walls. If I never try, if I never talk about it, then maybe nothing will go wrong.
The fear is raising up inside, paralyzing me. Preventing me from moving forward.
It wasn't always bad. There were some good ones. Some that never wanted or intended to leave. They opened their hearts to me, but I eventually turned them away. I was bored. I couldn't feel it in the way that they needed.
And then there were the bad ones. The truly bad. The ones that took my trust, my heart, and my light and burned it out as fast as they were able to take it.
They wore masks of a good thing and by the time I realized that it was a facade, it was too late. There were usually casualties from it--Lost friends and confidence that I could never get back.
And me...I was hurt worst of all.
I don't know what's become of me.
I feel tension rising in my chest. I can't break down the walls. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle another mask. And yet, I've had the good before at some point---the best life can offer. So happiness can't possibly be non-existent...Why can't I just let him in and take a chance? Maybe this is everything that I ever wanted.
He waits patiently as he offers smiles and kind words--Words and feelings that I haven't heard or felt in years. I try and smile back, the anxiety rising in my chest. I hope he doesn't notice. I hope he is truly one of the good ones.
I want to believe. I want to open the door. I want to experience the good.
Because this is my time. I've waited long enough.