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The Remnants of Uncertainty...
The Edge of Summer
08/21/08 at 03:27 AM by cassusriff
Checking in:

This is my last week of summer. So I'm going out in style. A week-long road trip to three areas.

1st stop: Santa Barbara

2nd stop: LA and Westwood

3rd and Final stop: Fullerton

I've spent the last two days in Santa Barbara and have had a blast. I can't wait to go to LA and Fullerton.

This has been a rough summer in many ways, but I also think it has been the best summer of my life. I don't think I've ever had more fun and I don' think I've ever been happier with my life and where I am.

I'll post more thoughts later and I will also finish some reviews as well as give some recommendations when I get back home finally.

Cheers! To the last week of summer!
Tags: life, summer, vacation, personal, friends, road trip, fun
1 Comments | Add a CommentPermalink | Share | Music
Lay the teens to rest...
05/12/08 at 03:17 AM by cassusriff
Monday morning, May 12th, 2:30am. I'm sitting in my room surrounded by silence.

...Let's change that. Hmmm, what music would best describe this very insane year of my life? I desperately want to go with The Alchemy Index because it has been passing over my ears for months now, but I've been rolling with it way too much in my blog world lately.

Ah hell, it's my last day as a teenager. I'm going to blast this shit!

So where were we? 2:30am. It's May 12th, the day I was supposed to be born. But I was born on May 13, 1988. And even though it has been 20 years since that day tomorrow, It still feels like it wasn't that long ago. Not that I can remember my birth at all. But 1988 still feels like it wasn't so long ago. But I mean, how much has happened since then? I'll be vague and just say, "A lot".

I'm sitting here thinking about all the shit my 19th year has thrown at me. It even began in a way that foreshadowed all the pain and struggle and other downer adjectives. Last year, my birthday was on Mother's Day. Having just returned home from ASU complete with a nice case of food poisoning from a Carl's Jr I hit up on the 10-hour-drive home, followed by an interview with the temp agency at Blue Shield of California the next day. I hit my birthday weekend wanting to relax more than anything. I had a fun saturday with my then-girlfriend and on my actual birthday, did nothing. Because it was Mother's Day, I told my mom I should take her to dinner. She countered saying that she should take me to dinner.

It was on that day that I found out my Mom is absolutely against going out on Mother's Day, she hates the crowds and the waits at restaurants. So, we did nothing. We compromised by agreeing to let our respective holidays wash each other out.

And this lack of enthusiasm, care, eagerness, what have you, would plague the many months that followed in my 19th year.

So the next day I started work at Blue Shield as a temp. I worked there through June and went on a road trip with my three best friends at the time. Admittedly, one of them isn't as close with me anymore, and the other two are closer to me than before. But it was kind of my first and last hurrah, one of the few highlights of the year.

Later that month I decided I didn't want to return to Arizona State. Walking away from my desk with tears in my eyes, I went to my manager and asked about a permanent position. I got hired for that in July. I went permanent in August and I got surgery on my knee. That month I got through the craziest two weeks of my life when I had a surgery performed on my knee, started a new job, got an insurance license at a school that was an hour drive each way, started full time college classes, and walked with crutches the whole time. That ridiculously difficult span of my life ended on an up note when I passed the test for my license. It was one of the true glorious, successful moments of my life. When I finally felt like I could handle anything.

Later that month, my spirit and my mettle were tested when an old teacher, a mentor, and a friend of mine died. I received the news in the worst way, while I was with my girlfriend of the time on a nice date. He was the kind of mentor that made you hate him and pulled every one of your strings until you were completely unraveled. He pushed you to the edge of a cliff and he dared you to jump. He shook your spirit and put it back together just before it would completely disappear. He taught me theatre, and I don't love theatre and I don't want to pursue it as a life goal, but his lessons were transparent and golden. I didn't need to be in theatre to cherish them.

On the day I found out, there was a congregation at my old high school. Nearly a year after I had left this place for what I had thought was forever, I was back again singing and crying and speaking. On that night I feel, my childhood finally ended. Sure, I may have been only a few months into my 19th year, but my friends were all leaving and my high school mentor had passed away. I had already made the greatest error of my life and wasn't even prepared for the ramifications to come.

September was dull and boring. I was on my game and I was owning class and owning work and doing just fine because I was on for the challenge I had brought on myself.

October was my month of fun. I went to a different place every weekend. Chico, Seattle, Tempe. The first trip I should have seen as a clue, but I just partied it up and went home. The second weekend was too fast and too rushed. But it was a good time with my family.

And the third weekend? Well let's just say that's the brick that crushed the spider.
In November I was flying high, flying fierce and anticipating a busy time at work and the finals that were coming with school.

And then I got blindsighted. And my three-year relationship was over. On the day the new campaign began at work. Just when the future was looking up. And this blow knocked me out for months. The holidays were empty and meaningless. I didn't eat for weeks after the breakup so my favorite holiday (Thanksgiving) was ruined. Christmas was stressful as usual and I just didn't have the love in my heart to get through it. I hated my families for making me travel so much to see them all. I hated the tug of war for everyone to see me when I don't matter during the rest of the year. But I still bought my parents awesome gifts and my siblings as well. I still drove three different places in three days.

And at least I had that 49ers game, easily the most fun day of 2007.

But this spiral had led me to rebound with a girl who was completely wrong for me. I was looking for something serious again, something to mimic the 3-year committment I had just had, and she was looking for a winter fling.

The winner? Winter fling. We stopped talking right around the time I found out I was bipolar. So again I had no one and I was trying to latch onto everyone. I was liking girls who aren't even right for me. I was forcing things. I was becoming desperate. I could never make up my mind. I was medicated and confused and lonely and insane. I rekindled a relationship that should have been dead and done. And in doing so I fucked it up all over again. I became angry and disposed and a recluse. I hated my job and stopped caring to show up on time. I hated school and dropped a bunch of classes. I resigned myself to a life of mundane redundancy and wasted dreams.

February was awful, I went to a strip club on Valentine's Day. I sought comfort from a stripper. I was pathetic. I was useless and worthless and etc etc etc.

And then in March I just decided it was enough. Right around the time I went to visit a friend in LA. The weekend was good and the motivation came back. The drive returned and the 5-month marathon at work came to an end. I got some time to breathe a bit and I started planning my life again.

And then the letter from UCSD came, and my life exploded once more. I had to add classes at the last minute, my units doubled and work started getting busy again. I suddenly was back in theatre, albeit doing sound for a small-time production, but back nonetheless. I was meeting new people and being involved in drama and going out a lot again. I was social, but best of all, I was fine with being single.

And so now, on this night before my 19th year ends. I'm nearly finished with my classes, on the brink of another big campaign for work, and close to a summer in which I need to make some big decisions, take a few epic trips, and keep things in perspective.

My motivation and my goodwill has returned. I'm done with the bad karma from my 19th year. I can be selfish and selfless at the same time. I want to be more about the world. I feel like I can raise the ground with me instead of flying solo. Soon I will make a list of 20 goals I want to achieve before I'm 30 years old. I've lived two decades and this third one is going to be the most important of my life.

But, as I said before I turned 19, I have two years of purgatory before I reach the milestone of 21. And according to that logic, I still have one more year of purgatory.

Bring on year 20.
Tags: 19, 20, thrice, life, strippers, UCSD, LA, Seattle, Road Trips, Mother's Day, etc
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