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War All The Time
|10 Years and Separating States
|I am writing this because I do not know if there is any other way for you to see what I am thinking and how I am feeling. Between my blog on here, and on Best Thing, I believe you will eventually find this. You can skim over this first part if you want, considering it is about you and you more than likely have a good idea as to why I am upset. To anyone else, this is going to be very lengthy, so I apologize in advance for boring you.|
You were supposed to be here a week ago, I do believe. My sense of time is fucked, and our communication has been as well. California to Chicago. Chicago to Atlanta. Atlanta to me. You never quite made that last leg. There was some sort of problem with the service of your phone between the time you were leaving Chicago and upon arriving in Atlanta. I had been trying to get in touch with you for days, not knowing what your plan was or when you were going to be here. Sometime that afternoon my phone began to buzz, text message after text message, nearly a dozen or so all at once. It was a play by play of you leaving the airport, and you arriving, and they grew increasingly frantic as you were unable to get in touch with me. Obviously those messages did not get to me when they were supposed to, and they were all delivered when things got back into order. You got a hotel in the city. Your phone then died.
I finally got a Myspace message from you on the morning of April 30th. It was a charming message, I can't lie. A few lines from the last paragraph really made me smile, and I love the song you quoted. The Format is such a fucking amazing band. If only your name was Janet now, right? You miss me like crazy. You are sorry for stressing me out with the lack of communication. You absolutely love me and everything I am. To hear those three little words that most people find so trite made a world of a difference. I really cannot express the relief I felt actually getting something from you. I fired back a quick message, and you said you would call me after your phone finished charging and you had gotten breakfast. The excitement was back, the happiness had returned. That was the last I heard from you.
We all have those ones who will never care
We all have those people who will never call
We all miss someone way too much all the time
My calls went straight to your voicemail. No ringing. Terrific. Here we go again. The waiting game. So I waited. I called, leaving another message occasionally, expressing my concern as well as my wonder at what exactly was going on. Texts. No reply.
The next day was the same, with one twist. Your Last.fm showed you playing tracks, and your AP profile said you were online, and had logged in several times that day. The messages I sent on AP received no reply. Your phone rang, but eventually went to voicemail. Now it simply goes straight to voicemail. I do not know why I keep calling. Well, actually I do, but I can't help it. I am a fucking idiot.
So, here I am. You know where I am, but I do not know where you are. I want to believe you. I want to trust you. I am an amazing detective, but I cannot put these pieces together in a way that makes sense. Suppose you really are in Atlanta, at some hotel still. Why haven't you found another way to call me? Why haven't you replied to any of the messages on AP? Why haven't you logged onto Myspace since you sent me that lengthy message? Was it some sort of a backwards goodbye? I do not know. On the other hand, maybe you never left California, or Chicago. Maybe you aren't here at all. I have been fucked over so many times in the past that I cannot help but become somewhat paranoid when things go wrong.
Oh, say you'll miss me one last time
I'll be strong, but whatever you do
Please don't get me rescued
'Cause I'm feeling like
I might need to be near you
I want you to know that I am not mad at you. Regardless of what the situation is, or where you are. It does not matter. I just want to hear from you. If for some reason, you do not want to have anything to do with me anymore, I could be alright with that as long as I got a proper goodbye. I value my friendship with you more than anything, and I would like to keep that. When things do not work out with me and a girl, for the most part I give up. I don't do the friends thing. There's something different about you. You're not just a girl. You are the kind of person I wish I could find everywhere I go. I thought I had you, but it looks like I might be wrong. It is going to be very hard to find somebody to match up to what you have demonstrated so far. It is going to be really hard, and I'm almost positive there will always be a little something missing.
I miss you. Everything else is a technicality. I miss our jokes. I miss your laugh. I miss the stupid noises you make. I miss the way you don't let me get off the phone late at night because you still want to talk. I am sad. I am lonely. I miss my friend. I miss her so much. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. I do not want to think of a life where I do not have you around, as Hallmark card as that sounds. For the longest time I have told myself "There's nothing so amazing about one girl that you won't ever be able to find in another." I wonder if you have proven me wrong.
I am fighting a war on two fronts. On the Eastern Front, I am fighting with myself, my body, and my medication. It is slow. It is painful. I gain a little and I lose a little. I believe I am making progress. It is too early to tell. The Western Front is the battle between you and me. The communication breakdown we have suffered as of late. The doubts and fears the both of us may have. The uncertainty of the outcome. The possibility of failure.
I do not know how many more times my heart can break. I do not care to find out.
To anyone who read this, please tell me I am not crazy with how I feel.
To you, I don't know what else to say. Eyes stinging hands shaking foot tapping. You have countless texts, voicemails, and various inbox messages to choose from in order to put together how I feel. I have scattered text messages and a Myspace message that left me hanging. God damn, I miss you so bad. I feel like a fool, I truly do. I feel weak. I feel dependent. I feel desperate.
Please don't let this be the end. We were just getting started.
We still have so many songs to sing.
they're still building roads in the South
and we can see them all if we start driving now
and we'll do all our thinking out loud
and wait for daylight
|Tags: sadness, love