I've had a horrible day. One filled with mood swings, desperation and ultimately a day that left me feeling so unsatisfied with who I am. Who I've been up until now.
God knows there are only a handful of things that can break my spirit. I consider myself to be pretty optimistic, despite past experiences I try to forget. I may not know what I'm getting into but I know that if I keep a positive attitude, I can overcome whatever obstacle I come across (believe me, I know how cliche that sounds). So, whenever one of those things makes an unprecedented appearance in my life, I'm left feeling anxious.
Today, I visited a place that for so long had been the one place where I thought I could actually belong in. Somewhere that I had assured myself would hold the future for me. But since it had been quite a while since my last visit, it hadn't hit me that I wouldn't feel right in this place anymore. This one specific place brought my whole life to a halt. For a moment, time paused and all these feelings of insecurity began to rush in. I couldn't breathe right, my eyes were glued to the floor, beginning to hint at a couple of tears. My chest swelled up and my exhales were heavy enough to help me realize how empty I was feeling as soon as I let them out. But I couldn't show weakness, I couldn't let anyone know how terrible I was feeling.
Instead, I kept to myself and tried to shrug all these feelings off. But I was having such an internal struggle, that it became obvious to everyone how uncomfortable I was. And as usual, feelings don't mean shit to those who are self-involved. Everyone in this place, had such a pleasant smile. I tried to make myself believe that they were faking how happy they all looked. But you can't fake smiles that big. This place gave their lives meaning, it gave them satisfaction. They were truly satisfied with their lives. It was me who wasn't satisfied with my life. I tried so hard to convince myself how good I have it, but you just can't fake smiles that big.
Yes, I'm unsatisfied with how I'm living my life. I'm unhappy in this town. I'm surrounded by people who have no purpose or give any meaning to their lives. Which results in everyone following in their example. But that's not me, I can't see myself being that way. I can't see myself being the father to children at the age of 20, juggling school and work along with that "family". I can't see myself being locked up in the house of my friend, smoking the life out of my lungs and conforming to my mediocrity. I need to get the hell out of here. I'm sick of this place, I'm sick of everyone around me and I'm sick of my excuses.
I'm stopping to catch my breath, but I'm not done running. I'm gonna keep at it, I'm gonna see myself out of this place. Time doesn't matter to me, what matters is that I reach my destination. If I can still see everyone who's advanced in life, that means there's a chance I can catch up. Fuck my lungs giving out, fuck my legs cramping up, fuck everyone in the sidelines giving me that look of disappointment. I'm out here breaking my back but it's not so you can criticize me.
One day, I'll come back to this place. Take a deep breath in, smile to a stranger and be on my way. Because I will make this place my home.