Happy stress and anxiety? Is that possible? Iíd say so. There are people out there who work 12 hour days and love their job. There are parents (no really, there are) that spend all day with their kids and love it. So I think itís possible.
But in the end, it is still stress and anxiety. So with a week to go at the company Iíve been with for over 2 years, Iím starting to feel the anxiety and the stress. But Iím happy. Iím cracking jokes at work, smiling most of the day, brushing off minor setbacks. For example, this morning I was late, I spilled my starbucks as I got out of my car, I had to walk through sprinklers to get into the building, and the phones were busy when I got in. I laughed it off and kept going. Thatís very unlike the person I have been in the past.
The whole prospect of going to UC Davis to finish my degree, to give myself the opportunity to get a degree so I can start an actual career instead of working these entry-level jobs, to finally get a shot at being a Ďrealí college student again (and by Ďrealí college student I mean NOT working more than 20 hours a week and actually staying on campus all day as I go to classes that are actually challenging and exciting) has me very excited.
But Iíve been here before, obviously Iíve never been this close, but Iíve been here. I went to Arizona State out of high school and I left after a year for so many reasons. The last two years Iíve been working at Blue Shield and going to the four community colleges in this area. I almost went to UC San Diego, I almost went to University of Washington, I planned on moving to LA, I almost joined the Navy. Iíve had a different goal every few months it seems.
So when I finally got focused and did what was best and most intelligent, I decided to go to UC Davis. I have a great major (Managerial Economics), I got great financial aid (half scholarships and grants, half loans), I figured out a way to graduate in one year instead of two, I found a cheap, efficient, environmentally friendly way to commute (biking and riding the train), and I even managed to find a part time job on campus.
It all fell into place. Itís all there. Itís all done. In a little over a week Iíll start my summer session there.
So why the anxiety and stress? Because EVERYTHING is changing. Iíve been trying to get here for three yearsÖ and now that it is here I donít know what to do. Iíve had a certain comfort level being at Blue Shield the last few years and Iím leaving that. Iím challenging myself with the most difficult classes Iíve ever taken and Iím taking a heavier schedule than most students because Iím trying to graduate in one year. Iím switching from driving to biking and using public transit. Iím holding myself to a much stricter budget because Iím not going to be making the same amount of money. Itís all great, but god dammit it is scary.
I keep waiting for something to fall apart. But it canít. There will be minor setbacks, there always will be. But I got all the major stuff figured out.
I donít know many people whoíve taken as many risks and accepted as many failures and gone through as many changes as I have the last 3 years. This one is major and it is understandable that Iím a bit anxious for it. But shouldnít I be used to this by now?
Iím afraid though. Itís why I havenít bought any school apparel. For every college I almost went to I bought a shot glass, a hoodie, or something with the schoolís name and I always ended up not going. I took my bike in for a major tuneup because I fear that it will fall apart on the first day I ride to school. Iím buying my books as early as I can. Iíve budgeted myself out for a whole year. I havenít officially sent an email to all my friends in the company letting them know that my last day is a week from today (though my notice is in of course). Iím treading carefully. And everyone who is close to me feels the pressure and the anxiety too. They know Iím on the brink of where Iíve wanted to be for years. They know I need this to work and frankly, they do too.
Hereís to hoping. Hereís to futures and changes. Hereís to a new chapter that truly pays the dividends.
I move in 10 days. I've moved so much the last few years, but I'm leaving this apartment after being here for a year and a half. In my life as it is now, that is a long time. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't stressed out about everything right now. The last month has shown me, more than ever before, that my parents aren't there to back me up anymore. My mom and I are barely talking if at all. My dad is ignoring me. I'm going to barely scrape by with this move. I'll have to pack everything up myself and figure out which pieces of furniture to sell.
My brother has no idea where he's going. As much as I'd like to set him up at a new place, I can't. I already paid out of the lease. I'll have to pay the remaining utilities. I'll have to pay any additional charges after we move out of the apartment. I'm barely going to get by on my own in that sense. No one in my family seems to be willing to take him in. I don't know how I ended up being responsible for both of us, but I am. I can't believe the weight on my shoulders. I have to do what's best for me.
I don't know anymore. I still have homework to do. I'm working on a business proposal. I have bills to pay. I have a whole apartment to pack and move. I still have work five days a week. I may need a second job. I might need to ask for a raise. I think I'll be fine, but it's going to be tight. I don't know. I wish I could be a slumdog millionaire. But life doesn't work that way. Suddenly all my dreams are becoming hazy. College is becoming less likely. The Navy thing doesn't seem to be worth it unless I can do college. I feel like I'll never get out of this area, out of my current job, into a higher education and better situation.
I feel so alone. I think I'll read the poem my girlfriend wrote for me. That makes me feel like someone is there for me at least.
A song I wrote in my blog a longtime ago finally is going to see the light of day. Tristan and Colin were over today and though I wasn't exactly thrilled to have "my time" shortened yet again, especially after such a long day -
Actually, let me tell you about that first. I threw out my back, I had to move to another desk at work, I worked my ass off all day and was tired as hell, I spent my last money on gas until I get paid thursday, some high school kid hit my car and dented my bumper and bent my license plate, I drove to a class I didn't have today, I talked with my girl only to learn that her day had been just as bad, I got off the phone and had two friends crash my apartment when I was about to work out, I didn't get to work out, I listened to my brother complain until 2am and he bummed me out, and now I'm here feeling as stressed as ever. Ugh.
Anyway... especially after such a long day. But they are my friends and I wasn't about to just kick them out. I don't see Colin much so it is always time to be cherished when I see him. I also got them to listen to Thrice so I succeeded in something I guess.
But Tristan had a guitar/piano/melody he had written a long time ago and I put the lyrics to his music. We were actually trying to write a new song, but in doing so we took some of my old poems and some of his old song structures and turned them into some good-sounding stuff. I'm getting excited for whatever the hell this musical project is. I am definitely Pete Wentz and Tristan is Patrick Stump. I say, let him sing. Let me write. I like how we work together.
"Disappering Act" is a really sad song. I wrote it about a hard time in my life. Let's just say I wasn't quite over an ex and I hadn't met the current girl who very well may be the love of my life... but I digress. The above link has the lyrics and I will also post them under the video. Let me know what you all think. It's just Tristan singing and playing guitar... but listen to the lyrics.
I wonder what life would have been like
if you were still by my side.
I try to push the idea that these dreams
live and die with this pretense.
I've fought for almost a year now
and your memory is so persistent.
I've nearly died from this pain
I'm thinking I may never love again.
I once dreamed of a world with you and me
A world where you was all I could see.
I made this mistake and you led me there
and now I'm stuck with my reflection in the mirror.
I wish I could hear something else
besides the echo of my voice.
I wish I could see you again
I wish we could make the past pretend.
So today, and now, and for the distant future
I walk alone with your ghost on my shoulders.
You are practically dead to me
Because I haven't heard your voice in forever it seems.
This is worse than it seems
This is me losing you completely.
This is me trying to figure out things
Without you, it doesn't seem like reality.