[as_we_learn]

Keep your eyes on the window, drift away in the noise.
Static cling on my clothes, caught along your cuticles.
Save your words for someone who could define the line.
I’m never going to be the one, apologies forgotten.

Flowery blouse laying along the ground,
knobby knees intertwined.

So for now we’ll just be, horizontal complete.
Perfect shapes in the dark, temporary art.

We walk by the sand and believe that we’re saints
of a youthful bliss, no more consequences.
Smoke and light in the dark, silhouette of your heart.
Could this be so wrong? Say I’m not the only one.

Fingers trace several scars, drowsy eyes, thoughtful bends.
Porcelain contrasts the grains, memory remains.

So for now we’ll just be, horizontal complete.
Perfect shapes in the dark, temporary art.

[lfdfforever]

Top notch work, my friend. This damn forum is dead, :(

[superjuper27]

Really nice writing

[gaara12363]

pretty good

[WhaleOfATime]

Not bad :)

[a speedo model]

Originally Posted by as_we_learn

Keep your eyes on the window, drift away in the noise.
Static cling on my clothes, caught along your cuticles.
Save your words for someone who could define the line.
I’m never going to be the one, apologies forgotten.

Great start. I love the imagery here. The last line is the weakest, wish it would've been on par with others because it makes it falter a bit. But still great start.

Originally Posted by as_we_learn

Flowery blouse laying along the ground,
knobby knees intertwined.

Nice, nice. Love the break, short and simple but this keeps the momentum and the great imagery.
[quote=as_we_learn;103490112]
So for now we’ll just be, horizontal complete.
Perfect shapes in the dark, temporary art.

Originally Posted by as_we_learn

Perfect. Love the title use here, love the imagery. Best part of the piece.

Originally Posted by as_we_learn

We walk by the sand and believe that we’re saints
of a youthful bliss, no more consequences.
Smoke and light in the dark, silhouette of your heart.
Could this be so wrong? Say I’m not the only one.

My feelings on this are similar to the first stanza, love it all but the last line, which again makes the stanza falter a bit. I feel like the last line is too familiar and safe. It just feels out of place in the rest.

Originally Posted by as_we_learn

Fingers trace several scars, drowsy eyes, thoughtful bends.
Porcelain contrasts the grains, memory remains.

Great. Really great.

Originally Posted by as_we_learn

So for now we’ll just be, horizontal complete.
Perfect shapes in the dark, temporary art.

Yeah, so I loved this. Great imagery and ideas, it felt new and original. I didn't feel like you were rehashing ideas, this felt new. I liked that. Flow was great.

Great job, man! Glad I saw this.

Originally Posted by lfdfforever

Top notch work, my friend. This damn forum is dead, :(

Not if I can fucking help it. I am back.

[a speedo model]

Oh, sorry for the bump. This is great, so I don't care.

[as_we_learn]

Originally Posted by a speedo model

Oh, sorry for the bump. This is great, so I don't care.

Glad you liked it, it's a year or so old. You must have been going through this entire thread for a while haha I do agree with the last line of each verse feeling to familiar and bring the piece down because of them. I'll go back and edit with fresh eyes, which is great.

Thanks man! Glad to see you back around, hopefully the old members come back too. Such great stuff used to be in here. Hopefully, you post some stuff soon!

[a speedo model]

Originally Posted by as_we_learn

Glad you liked it, it's a year or so old. You must have been going through this entire thread for a while haha I do agree with the last line of each verse feeling to familiar and bring the piece down because of them. I'll go back and edit with fresh eyes, which is great.

Thanks man! Glad to see you back around, hopefully the old members come back too. Such great stuff used to be in here. Hopefully, you post some stuff soon!

Yeah, I actually just went to the very last page and saw this and another one from someone I knew. This is great, dude. I'm glad I read it, shows me this place has had quality.

Yeah, this place was a blast. I haven't left the site, just not in here, but I plan to return and post more. I'm not sure if/when I'll post something new.

[as_we_learn]

Originally Posted by a speedo model

Yeah, I actually just went to the very last page and saw this and another one from someone I knew. This is great, dude. I'm glad I read it, shows me this place has had quality.

Yeah, this place was a blast. I haven't left the site, just not in here, but I plan to return and post more. I'm not sure if/when I'll post something new.

Glad you think this is one of the pieces with quality. Yeah, something happened to this place after everyone left. The forum turned into people being polite rather than critiquing the pieces.

Well, glad to have you back! Let's hope Rawlings and the rest of the crew come back.

[a speedo model]

Originally Posted by as_we_learn

Glad you think this is one of the pieces with quality. Yeah, something happened to this place after everyone left. The forum turned into people being polite rather than critiquing the pieces.

Well, glad to have you back! Let's hope Rawlings and the rest of the crew come back.

Yeah, I've noticed that haha. It's....boring. haha

Thanks, man. I doubt most will come back, I don't see them on here in general. We'll see, I guess.