[PengusNiugnep]

I've been thinking about this for a little while and I need some advice. I wasn't really sure where else to go.

In high school, I had a few friends, but none of them were really into things I'm into. I went away to college and made friends who would watch anime and play video games with me. I felt like I'd really found my niche. Whenever I'd come home and was around my friends here, I felt like I had to suppress all of that around them. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends from home, but it'd be nice if I could talk about things I like with people who actually care. It makes me just feel out of place and lonely whenever I try to get them into things that I like or I hear them talking about what they do with their other friends.

I've been at home for a few semesters while I figure things out with my major, but I'm going away again in the fall. As of now, I'm supposed to room with one of my friends from back home. The original plan was that the two of us were going to room together; it will be her first semester there, and she didn't really know anyone (the one or two people she does know have living plans already). She wanted to room with a third person to try to reduce the costs, and I agreed, telling her that I had a few friends who needed roommates. In the end, she wound up making a friend back home at her community college, who is supposed to be rooming with us. I didn't really know her, but after meeting her a few times, she seemed alright. On the other hand, it went from me rooming with a friend who didn't really know anyone to me rooming becoming the third wheel.

This past weekend, we went down to the school (which is three and a half hours away) to search for apartments. We decided on a good one, and I spent time with my friends while I was down there since I don't get that opportunity very often. I thought that she and her friend had made plans, but they wound up tagging along with me for parts of the weekend. I went to the anime club's game night, played video games with my friends (who were being super loud and really into it), and stayed up until 4:30 watching cartoons with my friends. This is what our typical weekend hangouts are like when I visit (and when I went there). Whenever they were with me, they looked bored out of their minds and would intentionally make comments about how they didn't want to be there. (Note: I was not forcing them to stay there, and they both did have other people they wanted to see, so I don't know what was going on there.) On the other hand, it could have just been because we were all up since 4:30 in the morning so we could arrive early enough to meet with the apartment people.

As we were leaving to come home, they said that my friends were "really nerdy, but really nice," and it suddenly hit me that if I room with them, not only will I be the third wheel on a regular basis, but I'll have to go back to repressing all of my "nerdy" interests, aka basically everything that I care about that isn't music. This school was supposed to be a sanctuary where I could escape hiding away that part of my life, but if I room with them, I fear that I'd never be able to have friends over to do stuff because they'd be complaining about it the whole time or rolling their eyes or just generally being condescending like they usually are. It doesn't help that when they asked their friend to visit us once we moved in, they said, "You can bring some normalcy to nerd central," so I'm assuming they're going to try to limit how often my friends and I do that stuff in the apartment since they obviously have a problem with it. I also hate that my friend is so condescending about it, but I should've expected it since that what it's always like with my friends back home.

One other semi-related thing is that it made me realize that she goes to bed (and gets up) waaay earlier than I do, which will probably become an issue, especially on the weekends.

I guess the reason why I made this thread is that I want to know if I'm being petty or stupid for considering not rooming with them over these things. Note that nothing has been finalized yet (so I won't be ruining any actual plans to live together) and if I leave, they will still have each other to room with, so I wouldn't be ditching her and leaving her behind. I don't expect everyone on here to understand my situation, but if someone does, I'd appreciate some help.

[kbomb001]

Originally Posted by PengusNiugnep

I've been thinking about this for a little while and I need some advice. I wasn't really sure where else to go.

In high school, I had a few friends, but none of them were really into things I'm into. I went away to college and made friends who would watch anime and play video games with me. I felt like I'd really found my niche. Whenever I'd come home and was around my friends here, I felt like I had to suppress all of that around them. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends from home, but it'd be nice if I could talk about things I like with people who actually care. It makes me just feel out of place and lonely whenever I try to get them into things that I like or I hear them talking about what they do with their other friends.

I've been at home for a few semesters while I figure things out with my major, but I'm going away again in the fall. As of now, I'm supposed to room with one of my friends from back home. The original plan was that the two of us were going to room together; it will be her first semester there, and she didn't really know anyone (the one or two people she does know have living plans already). She wanted to room with a third person to try to reduce the costs, and I agreed, telling her that I had a few friends who needed roommates. In the end, she wound up making a friend back home at her community college, who is supposed to be rooming with us. I didn't really know her, but after meeting her a few times, she seemed alright. On the other hand, it went from me rooming with a friend who didn't really know anyone to me rooming becoming the third wheel.

This past weekend, we went down to the school (which is three and a half hours away) to search for apartments. We decided on a good one, and I spent time with my friends while I was down there since I don't get that opportunity very often. I thought that she and her friend had made plans, but they wound up tagging along with me for parts of the weekend. I went to the anime club's game night, played video games with my friends (who were being super loud and really into it), and stayed up until 4:30 watching cartoons with my friends. This is what our typical weekend hangouts are like when I visit (and when I went there). Whenever they were with me, they looked bored out of their minds and would intentionally make comments about how they didn't want to be there. (Note: I was not forcing them to stay there, and they both did have other people they wanted to see, so I don't know what was going on there.) On the other hand, it could have just been because we were all up since 4:30 in the morning so we could arrive early enough to meet with the apartment people.

As we were leaving to come home, they said that my friends were "really nerdy, but really nice," and it suddenly hit me that if I room with them, not only will I be the third wheel on a regular basis, but I'll have to go back to repressing all of my "nerdy" interests, aka basically everything that I care about that isn't music. This school was supposed to be a sanctuary where I could escape hiding away that part of my life, but if I room with them, I fear that I'd never be able to have friends over to do stuff because they'd be complaining about it the whole time or rolling their eyes or just generally being condescending like they usually are. It doesn't help that when they asked their friend to visit us once we moved in, they said, "You can bring some normalcy to nerd central," so I'm assuming they're going to try to limit how often my friends and I do that stuff in the apartment since they obviously have a problem with it. I also hate that my friend is so condescending about it, but I should've expected it since that what it's always like with my friends back home.

One other semi-related thing is that it made me realize that she goes to bed (and gets up) waaay earlier than I do, which will probably become an issue, especially on the weekends.

I guess the reason why I made this thread is that I want to know if I'm being petty or stupid for considering not rooming with them over these things. Note that nothing has been finalized yet (so I won't be ruining any actual plans to live together) and if I leave, they will still have each other to room with, so I wouldn't be ditching her and leaving her behind. I don't expect everyone on here to understand my situation, but if someone does, I'd appreciate some help.

I see where you're coming from 100% (i'm a big video game and anime denizen), but, they need to know that you will not tolerate "suppressing" who you are for the sake of their comfort. Put your foot down. if they aren't willing to make considerate compromises, show them the door.

[PengusNiugnep]

Originally Posted by kbomb001

I see where you're coming from 100% (i'm a big video game and anime denizen), but, they need to know that you will not tolerate "suppressing" who you are for the sake of their comfort. Put your foot down. if they aren't willing to make considerate compromises, show them the door.

Way before the whole roommate thing even came up, I'd talked to them several times in the past few years about how I felt about that, and they took it as me blaming them for not liking what I like, which was not my intention. I was just trying to tell them how lonely it was to have to keep all that to yourself and how I didn't appreciate their condescending attitudes. (They're also condescending toward my other main interest, music, saying I'm a "hipster" even though I'm respectful of their tastes and don't listen to stereotypical "hipster" music, but they think Fall Out Boy or Jack's Mannequin are too "hipster," which is a rant for another thread.) That's one reason why I'm pretty reluctant to bring it up again. How can you bring that up without sounding like you're just going after them?

[kbomb001]

Originally Posted by PengusNiugnep

Way before the whole roommate thing even came up, I'd talked to them several times in the past few years about how I felt about that, and they took it as me blaming them for not liking what I like, which was not my intention. I was just trying to tell them how lonely it was to have to keep all that to yourself and how I didn't appreciate their condescending attitudes. (They're also condescending toward my other main interest, music, saying I'm a "hipster" even though I'm respectful of their tastes and don't listen to stereotypical "hipster" music, but they think Fall Out Boy or Jack's Mannequin are too "hipster," which is a rant for another thread.) That's one reason why I'm pretty reluctant to bring it up again. How can you bring that up without sounding like you're just going after them?

this is kinda tough, it almost feels like they're playing the victim since there are two of them and they don't want to take the hard way to apartmenthood

i suppose you say, "i am not saying what i say to blame you for not being into the same things I am or to go after you"

[PengusNiugnep]

Originally Posted by kbomb001

this is kinda tough, it almost feels like they're playing the victim since there are two of them and they don't want to take the hard way to apartmenthood

i suppose you say, "i am not saying what i say to blame you for not being into the same things I am or to go after you"

Well, when I say I talked to "them" in the past few years, I meant all my friends here, not this new girl, but still. I can try it, but I can't guarantee it won't turn into a big fight like it typically does.

[kbomb001]

Originally Posted by PengusNiugnep

Well, when I say I talked to "them" in the past few years, I meant all my friends here, not this new girl, but still. I can try it, but I can't guarantee it won't turn into a big fight like it typically does.

if they consistently "swing" first, you have your answer

[Scrawns]

If these kids aren't cool with you playing video games, or what you watch on TV then they don't sound like friends to begin with. When I lived with 3 other people in college everyone liked different things and it was fine. One of them liked Portlandia and the rest didn't and it was cool if they put on one or two episodes, in exchange for another person watching a couple of Storage Wars, and onward. Everyone respected what the others did in the common areas of the house. If these two people don't want to respect you playing a game quietly or watching something on TV minding your own business then you should live with them man, flat out.

Few things are worse than being miserable with school or work, but NOTHING is worse than being miserable at home. Real.

[Fringe]

When it comes down to it, fuck everybody. Do what makes you happy. Don't suppress yourself so that your friends can feel comfortable.

People change and find themselves in college. Sounds like you've done that. If they really are true friends, they'll accept you for the nerd you are. If not, then great; you've grown and you're moving on.

[dontsneeze]

You'll work it out. You don't have to hang out with your roommates often, and I would argue that it's often better that way.

Just keep the kitchen, bathroom, etc. clean and don't eat their food or drink their beer without asking. Take turns choosing TV or movies to watch. If you're watching cartoons and they're trying to sleep, turn it down or go to a friend's house. Invite them to hang out with your friends, and if they decline, don't sweat it.

Ask about their day, listen if they're upset, and sometimes make a big batch of spaghetti so you can eat together.

You'll be absolutely fine. You have plenty of friends up there, and they share your interests. Who cares if your roommates don't like the same music as you? Again, you don't have to be best friends with your roommates. Just be respectful and polite and everything else will be fine.

[MedicineFrmRain]

Originally Posted by dontsneeze

You'll work it out. You don't have to hang out with your roommates often, and I would argue that it's often better that way.

Just keep the kitchen, bathroom, etc. clean and don't eat their food or drink their beer without asking. Take turns choosing TV or movies to watch. If you're watching cartoons and they're trying to sleep, turn it down or go to a friend's house. Invite them to hang out with your friends, and if they decline, don't sweat it.

Ask about their day, listen if they're upset, and sometimes make a big batch of spaghetti so you can eat together.

You'll be absolutely fine. You have plenty of friends up there, and they share your interests. Who cares if your roommates don't like the same music as you? Again, you don't have to be best friends with your roommates. Just be respectful and polite and everything else will be fine.

Really good advice! pretty close to what i was going to say.

If you try all of that and they still cant accept you for who you are, you should re consider why you are friends with them in the first place. If you are only friends because "you've been friends for so long" thats not a good reason to continue being friends, it sucks but the older you get the more you realize some of your oldest friends are not truly your friends anymore. Not because they are bad people or because you starting fighting, just because people grow up and move on and sometimes the only thing you have left in common is the past. These friends may become aquaintences rather than friends, but you need to be friends with people who embrace you and help you grow as a person, not make you feel like you need to supress what makes you happy. Life is short, fill it with as much happiness as you can. As corny as that sounds its something to live by.

And im not trying to pull out the age thing because i am only 6 years older than you, but your at that age where you are learning that the life you had at home when you lived with your parents and the life you want to make for yourself are two totally different paths, You are going to lose a few old friends and make a ton of new friends, some will stick, some wont, but there is nothing wrong with growing up and moving on. Dont burn any bridges but dont do things that will not make you happy and comfortable. Become who you want to be and do not let ANYONE hold you back.

[Maiaophilia]

This is something I've dealt with first hand all through my college experience... I've never once had a roommate that played any of the games I did or watched any of the TV shows I did. We had completely opposite schedules and somehow it ended up working out. I mean it was a little weird at first going to bed when she was just waking up... but I mean it will be okay.

She agreed to live with you knowing full well that you're into this kind of stuff.
Living with them doesn't mean you have to suppress it.

raise your nerd flag and fly it high.

[Alex DiVincenzo]

Sounds like you have shitty friends, dude. You should never have to change who you are.Stand up for what you enjoy. If your interests are that different now, you're only going to grow further apart over time. Might as well cut your lossesnow and enjoy yourself and new people. Be yourself.

[Kassie09]

I think the only issue about living with her is that she's disrespectful to you and makes you feel like shit by calling you nerdy etc. I mean, I'm not into anime and stuff, but I wouldn't really care if my roommate was as long as they were a nice person to me and kept their stuff clean.

Perhaps you could have a talk with her and tell her it upsets you and see if she's receptive. That could make a huge difference.

Don't suppress how you want to be. My roommate judges the shit out of me (for different reasons than yours) but i don't care at all. our lifestyles are just insanely different, but it works out cause we just both keep the place clean and are kind to each other.

[TheRealJohnOC]

Don't ever hide what you like. They know you're into it and I guess they accept it if they're not bailing yet.

[Tony]

These girls sound toxic. They'd rather hang out with you and your friends and put down the things you guys enjoy instead of finding something for themselves to enjoy. That kind of negativity feeds itself, and that kind of person doesn't change overnight (nor is it your duty to try and change them). You've learned a lot about yourself and where your interests lie, and if you feel you would have to suppress your interests for fear of being mocked, then living with these girls is a step in the wrong direction.

I say go your own way now. Do it respectfully, but make your reasons clear - that you can't live with people who are going to disrespect you for the things you enjoy and who you are. Being nerdy is nothing to be ashamed of; shaming people for their interests is. You said you have a few friends who need roommates - room with them! It's pretty fucking great living with people who share your interests. And your friend's situation is no longer what it was. You were going to room with her because she didn't have anyone to live with, but now she does.