[Idealist80]

Just started song writing a couple of weeks ago, and im interested in pursuing it... any feedback is needed, thanks


Why am I trying to give when no ones willing to receive
Warmness of the soul is at an all time low
So I try to stay strong and believe
And if it helps just think about the positive memories
Noticing, Some wear their hearts on their sleeves
Realizing I wear mine buried away behind locked gates, Under weeping willow trees
I control my own fate
and im going to keep on trying to fly straight
because if I fall… or trip back into this state
I’m gonna bring a ladder and gloves
So I can
Climb right back out
So there will never be a shred of doubt....
Being able to successfully sprout
From under the willow trees, hoping I can be, the person I know I can be

[mulcahy67]

i like the willow tree metaphor. id change some lines here and there, like "so i stay strong and believe," and "i control my own fate and im going to keep on trying to fly straight." lines like that are kind of boring and hold nothing more than their face value. getting more descriptive or more creative with describing emotions like that helps.

[Matt Chylak]

there's no metaphor here, i don't know what the guy above me's thinking.
there's no structure to your song. since you've given us no music or melody you need to structure it better.
improve your grammar. the last line, for instance, has too many commas. get rid of ...s
stay away from cliches like "all time low" "hearts on sleeves" "fly straight" and "a shred of doubt" unless you can tweak them in some way to make them more interesting/unique.

better than the political song, if that's any compensation.

[Idealist80]

Originally Posted by Matt Chylak

there's no metaphor here, i don't know what the guy above me's thinking.
there's no structure to your song. since you've given us no music or melody you need to structure it better.
improve your grammar. the last line, for instance, has too many commas. get rid of ...s
stay away from cliches like "all time low" "hearts on sleeves" "fly straight" and "a shred of doubt" unless you can tweak them in some way to make them more interesting/unique.

better than the political song, if that's any compensation.

Points taken, and I appreciate the input.
When I put these lyrics together I usually do it in one faal swoop, like 15 minutes... I have no idea how much time these well known bands put into their lyrics, but if i should be putting in more than that let me know, thanks.
What are your thoughts on this?



Waking up overwhelmed by fears
Disagreeing with choices that were made
Coming through the years
So I need to improve my conscientiousness
Or just keep spiraling in my bliss
Time is now
So just let go
Of everything you’re afraid to know
Yes I see you looking at me from a place of happiness
I can’t join you
I don’t want to continue Sitting In this room
Walls coming down like an impending doom
Similar to torment by a spike chain being thrashed at my back by a heartless overseer
I need to break away and face my fears… or remain chained to them

[Matt Chylak]

Originally Posted by Idealist80

Points taken, and I appreciate the input.
When I put these lyrics together I usually do it in one faal swoop, like 15 minutes... I have no idea how much time these well known bands put into their lyrics, but if i should be putting in more than that let me know, thanks.

What are your thoughts on this?

Waking up overwhelmed by fears
Disagreeing with choices that were made
Coming through the years
So I need to improve my conscientiousness
Or just keep spiraling in my bliss
Time is now
So just let go
Of everything you’re afraid to know
Yes I see you looking at me from a place of happiness
I can’t join you
I don’t want to continue Sitting In this room
Walls coming down like an impending doom
Similar to torment by a spike chain being thrashed at my back by a heartless overseer
I need to break away and face my fears… or remain chained to them

it doesn't necessarily have to take you a long time to write a poem or a song, but you should think about it and revise it before putting it somewhere. the way you seem to write this stuff really quickly shows you're not really putting much thought into any of it.

what are YOUR thoughts on what you wrote? before i give you mine

[Idealist80]

Originally Posted by Matt Chylak

it doesn't necessarily have to take you a long time to write a poem or a song, but you should think about it and revise it before putting it somewhere. the way you seem to write this stuff really quickly shows you're not really putting much thought into any of it.

what are YOUR thoughts on what you wrote? before i give you mine

Could improve the grammar, i'm not sure if theres anything really cliche in it

[Matt Chylak]

Originally Posted by Idealist80

Could improve the grammar, i'm not sure if theres anything really cliche in it

there's more to a good poem/song than correct grammar and avoiding cliches. what does your song SAY? to me, it seems to contradict itslef

[Idealist80]

Originally Posted by Matt Chylak

there's more to a good poem/song than correct grammar and avoiding cliches. what does your song SAY? to me, it seems to contradict itslef

basically saying if you don't man up and face your fears and leave your comfort zone you will be chained to them.
Where in it does it seem to be contradictory?

[Matt Chylak]

Originally Posted by Idealist80

basically saying if you don't man up and face your fears and leave your comfort zone you will be chained to them.
Where in it does it seem to be contradictory?

i'll be more specific:

Quote:

Waking up overwhelmed by fears
Disagreeing with choices that were made
Coming through the years

all fine, if a little boring. jumping directly into your fears without some sort of hook isn't making me interested in your dilemma. also, you're being really really really vague. what choices? WHAT FEARS? right now, i don't care.

Quote:

So I need to improve my conscientiousness
Or just keep spiraling in my bliss

how does your conscientiousness have anything to do with these unknown fears? if you're "spiraling in bliss" (which makes no sense whatsoever) why would you want to improve that state? i think you just wanted to rhyme conscientiousness with something

Quote:

Time is now
So just let go

cliche

Quote:

Of everything you’re afraid to know
Yes I see you looking at me from a place of happiness
I can’t join you

better. at least you're sort of getting specific (but not nearly enough), though this 'you' wasn't mentioned at all before this

Quote:

I don’t want to continue Sitting In this room
Walls coming down like an impending doom
Similar to torment by a spike chain being thrashed at my back by a heartless overseer

this is a random image. how does this have anything to do with the line after it, except that you have the word chain in both? you're not chained down in this bit, you're voluntarily sitting (which you could do more with), so the heartless overseer (which makes no sense) is you? now we're getting emo, which isn't a problem if you do it right but you're not. this whole bit comes off whiny. bad rhyme again. don't be so obvious about it.

Quote:

I need to break away and face my fears… or remain chained to them

clearly the (cliched) idea of the poem, yet i had no idea that's what you were talking about until this line. get rid of the ellipsis, it's doing nothing for you and makes it easy for me to dismiss your writing. if you want to achieve a "deep" pause, figure out a better way to do it. read other writers and poets and see how they achieve the moods their songs get.

[Idealist80]

Originally Posted by Matt Chylak

i'll be more specific:


all fine, if a little boring. jumping directly into your fears without some sort of hook isn't making me interested in your dilemma. also, you're being really really really vague. what choices? WHAT FEARS? right now, i don't care.


how does your conscientiousness have anything to do with these unknown fears? if you're "spiraling in bliss" (which makes no sense whatsoever) why would you want to improve that state? i think you just wanted to rhyme conscientiousness with something


cliche


better. at least you're sort of getting specific (but not nearly enough), though this 'you' wasn't mentioned at all before this


this is a random image. how does this have anything to do with the line after it, except that you have the word chain in both? you're not chained down in this bit, you're voluntarily sitting (which you could do more with), so the heartless overseer (which makes no sense) is you? now we're getting emo, which isn't a problem if you do it right but you're not. this whole bit comes off whiny. bad rhyme again. don't be so obvious about it.


clearly the (cliched) idea of the poem, yet i had no idea that's what you were talking about until this line. get rid of the ellipsis, it's doing nothing for you and makes it easy for me to dismiss your writing. if you want to achieve a "deep" pause, figure out a better way to do it. read other writers and poets and see how they achieve the moods their songs get.

Ya im gonna redo this and be a bit more specific and try to put the images better together. kind of a rough draft i guess, pretty grateful for your help. Ya i didn't mean it to be contradictory but i thought bliss meant the opposite of what it really does so that was a noob move on my part.
What do you mean by "deep" pause, and elilipsis? My main inspiration in lyrics is senses fail because to me they have the most creative/twistedly melodic lyrics, but im open to anything that will help so if you have any suggestions on any lyricists that would be great. I'm also having some issues with hooks. BTW listened to a couple of your songs and they aren't bad, but are all the themes of them about girls?

[Matt Chylak]

Originally Posted by Idealist80

Ya im gonna redo this and be a bit more specific and try to put the images better together. kind of a rough draft i guess, pretty grateful for your help. Ya i didn't mean it to be contradictory but i thought bliss meant the opposite of what it really does so that was a noob move on my part.
What do you mean by "deep" pause, and elilipsis? My main inspiration in lyrics is senses fail because to me they have the most creative/twistedly melodic lyrics, but im open to anything that will help so if you have any suggestions on any lyricists that would be great. I'm also having some issues with hooks. BTW listened to a couple of your songs and they aren't bad, but are all the themes of them about girls?

yeah, don't use words that you don't know the meaning of.
"deep" pause was sarcasm, hence the quotation marks. an ellipsis is a .... there's no reason for that to ever be in your writing at this point. focus more on writing something subtle and meaningful instend of dramatics. you need better inspiration for your lyrics than senses fail. most of their lyrics are pathetic, especially the earlier stuff (which you seem to be echoing)
some of the ones on myspace are about girls, but other songs are different. the record i'm working on right now is about faith

[Idealist80]

Originally Posted by Matt Chylak

yeah, don't use words that you don't know the meaning of.
"deep" pause was sarcasm, hence the quotation marks. an ellipsis is a .... there's no reason for that to ever be in your writing at this point. focus more on writing something subtle and meaningful instend of dramatics. you need better inspiration for your lyrics than senses fail. most of their lyrics are pathetic, especially the earlier stuff (which you seem to be echoing)
some of the ones on myspace are about girls, but other songs are different. the record i'm working on right now is about faith

Ya That's where i have to disagree, if you think their lyrics are pathetic than i dont really think you know them. Maybe it's the context of what their singing about that you dont like, but buddy nielsen is by far the best lyricist in their genre. The guy from Brand new is a close second

[Matt Chylak]

Originally Posted by Idealist80

Ya That's where i have to disagree, if you think their lyrics are pathetic than i dont really think you know them. Maybe it's the context of what their singing about that you dont like, but buddy nielsen is by far the best lyricist in their genre. The guy from Brand new is a close second

i have everything they've ever recorded. buddy has admitted that their lyrics are sometimes quite trite. that's not to say that they don't play catchy/good music, but they definitely don't have anywhere near the best lyrics in the genre. something is seriously wrong when you're over age 20 and still writing songs about killing your girlfriend.
better lyricists? try thrice, REAL brand new (that'd be most everything after deja), bright eyes' newer stuff, northstar, anything with anthony green in it...that's off the top of my head.

[Idealist80]

Originally Posted by Matt Chylak

i have everything they've ever recorded. buddy has admitted that their lyrics are sometimes quite trite. that's not to say that they don't play catchy/good music, but they definitely don't have anywhere near the best lyrics in the genre. something is seriously wrong when you're over age 20 and still writing songs about killing your girlfriend.
better lyricists? try thrice, REAL brand new (that'd be most everything after deja), bright eyes' newer stuff, northstar, anything with anthony green in it...that's off the top of my head.

What songs are you referring to? Because I dont hear any lyrics like that since like bloody romance.

[Matt Chylak]

Originally Posted by Idealist80

What songs are you referring to? Because I dont hear any lyrics like that since like bloody romance.

are you kidding? listen to any song on their first full length and about half of the ones on the second.
buddy got daddy issues on the third one, but that doesn't make the lyrics any better