Porn brings destruction on the viewer and his or her family. We share these stories from the emails we have received over the years. They can be depressing, so be sure to visit our Freedom Stories page to remind yourself that there is hope. These stories are published with the permission of the senders.
8/17/6 “I have a strong faith in God. It is the only thing that has kept me in this relationship. I believe my husband is a Christian in that he believes in God and has accepted Jesus as our savior. However, he does not attend church with us and behaves in many ways that make it clear that Satan is in control of his life. When we were dating and first married the internet was just getting off the ground and so that type of porn was not a problem. During our first few years of marriage we didn't have internet. I first learned about his addiction to pornography during our first year of marriage when I went to the corner video store to rent a movie. They told me that we had $25 in late fees. I said that we had not rented any movies and they proceeded to tell me exactly what was returned late, several X rated films. This was my first experience with it being a problem in our relationship. I talked to him about it and he said that it was not a big deal and that it wouldn't happen again. That was 12 years ago and since then the internet has increased his addiction 100 fold. The addiction has led to much deception and pain. We have two beautiful children and he is a major part of their lives. We had dreams of things to come. I have asked him to leave and am feeling crushed. All he said was "fine." Our life together isn't even worth him fighting for. I feel total devastation in my life. I am praying and praying and I know and feel God's presence in my life, but I am still in turmoil. I have loved this man, built a wonderful life with him, he has been everything to me...........I am CRUSHED!! And I don't even think he really understands why I have asked him to leave.”
5/18/6 "I am writing to tell people how bad porn is. Porn destroys your relationship with God. There are so many times I have looked at porn and I would come to God to ask for forgiveness and then turn around again and look at porn again. One night, I got so into porn that my mind did not care if I went to Hell or anything else. So, I beg you, do your best to do Christ's will. Satan knows pornography is your weakness, if you look at porn. He will use it against you. I pray that you read your bible and pray to God when Satan tempts you. Jesus loves you!"
11/18/5 “My spouse found God through my relationship with God. For a couple of years he was literally devoted to God and then it just suddenly stopped. He is very open and vulnerable to demonic spirits and he actually told me that he has given himself over to the devil and [that] he is hiding from God. My spouse went from an upstanding chivalry type of man to a "I don't care about anything" personality type. He has had multiple affairs, a gambling addiction as well as a porn addiction with causes him to be a sexual predator. He has recently found a new way to meet women on the internet. He has found several sex sites which he frequents often and has ran up credit cards on those sites, in addition to frequenting adult sex stores and shops. There is so much more that I could say but I will stop here. This is the reason I thought it was best for me to get my daughter out of the house because I am very concerned about his judgment. He's too comfortable being self destructive and lacking accountability for all that he does.”
11/9/5 “I'm one of those people that no one would expect to look at sex images online or be addicted to masturbating. I read my Bible, go to church, pray... It’s just that addictions built up overtime. Things were never to be this big of a problem, but I'm feeling this anger, aggression, desire for more, and a split from spirituality. Nothing should have ever come between me and God. Thank you for this ministry, for opening my eyes to why I'm so angry at God. I remember how my body used to be a temple for Christ; now it will be once again. Reach out to those that are beginning. Tell them the affects will come, and they'll feel as lame as I do now. Lame... for ever sacrificing my standards... and God’s.”
10/10/5 “I discovered my husband’s pornography/sex/lust addiction 8 mo. ago. He is a man in his 50's and his fixation is on very young teens and little girls. We are in the process of divorce.....which does not solve the problem. From what I have seen of his behaviors, in public, around these minor girls, he is a threat to the community that he lives in. He is very consumed in this dark way of life. He is in total denial---doing the lie, deny and blame game. Our divorce should have been simple and over long ago but for some reason things have not worked out that way (?). This man needs prayer and deliverance. Our community needs protection from him. I need prayer and God’s perfect wisdom in what if anything I should do now. This came as a horrible shock to me. I was devastated! I went to a great counseling program that understands this type of addiction. It has been so very enlighten and healing. I see my husband is in a prison …he is a victim of "much" from his own childhood. He has become a victimizer who hides his darkness behind his ability to quote the Bible and act very righteous. He is involved in a ministry that feeds his compulsions and is producing more victims!...The church has heard from me, and today I learned that my husband’s ex-wife went to the same pastors many years ago with similar disclosures and he is still allowed to be part of ministry and welcome to attend church there. [Though she and myself] have done the Matthew 18 process,…the church [still] harbors him!”
8/28/5 “I have been a Christian since I was a teen…I married a new Christian a year ago who had a long standing porn addiction. I can tell from all those years of porn addiction that making love is selfish and self-centered for him. The thing that bothers me the most is that he never kisses me in bed and is only interested in his own pleasure. It is really never making love. He is distant and does not open up emotionally to me and always closes his eyes. I feel alone. He started porn early in life [in his teen] years. After dating him for [awhile], I talked him into throwing all of his porn away. I watched him dismantle the tapes and throw them in a dumpster. After he became a Christian last [year] he started locking himself in a room with a laptop computer with porn on the internet…My struggle now is with just how porn has destroyed his sexuality and how it affects me and our relationship. He still masturbates in bed and when he does I just get up and sleep elsewhere. I can not take it anymore as I see that it is just selfish and self-serving.”
8/26/5 “I liked the porn very much especially the one where young (18-24) and innocent girls are lurked into making a professional porn movie… I liked to watch how they were abused. I say they abuse them, though the movie is rated as legal and
the girls are old enough, they get paid, have medical treatment, and so on, but before God it's sexual abuse. It's not right to persuade someone and lure him into something which they surely didn't like if they'd know all about it, use them to make money and degrade them and expose their inner parts. This filth was my poison or as a close friend of mine called it, "this is our heroine". Then one night, while sleeping, I felt that someone was beside me, it was holding me tight and trying to rape me. It was awful. I started crying intensely to God to help me and free me. And something happened for the first time in my life: God was not answering my pleas. I was alone. I was in the power of a strong and evil creature which raped me and God was not there to help me. Never, never in my life I had felt more miserable. This went on for some time, not long, but intensely and eventually the evil spirit vanished, leaving me alone, crying and feeling helpless. It took some time till I recovered and stopped sobbing. It took even more time to recognize what had just happened. I had been raped.
My will had been broken. That's how a woman must feel, when she is raped, I thought.
In my case it had only been mentally and for a very short period of time (maybe 1 minute) but that was enough for me. I sat down and started to think about the incident. Am I such a bad guy? Why did God not help me? After carefully thinking, I came to realize that it was about my porn consumption because the same evil thing (sexual abuse) in which I had found pleasure was now happening to me. God had allowed this demon to control me for a certain time to show me that my behavior was not correct.
I got out of my bed and destroyed my porn collection. I strongly warn everybody not to indulge in unnatural and abusing hardcore pornography. Do not believe you can get away with nothing because you are just an ordinary consumer. I thought the same. I know that one time you will have to face consequences. The devil will pay you back in the same manner as you have done, watched, and fantasized. That's the righteousness of God; you will have nobody to blame for except yourself. ”
6/24/5 “I was looking at a porn site, and I found a link. I knew it wasn't porn, but yet I clicked it. I found this site, and I realized what negative influence it's had on my life. I can't remember when I started looking at it; but I know I started at a young age, (I'm only 18) because I saw my dad doing it nearly every night, and figured "it's ok to do it." I thought because I was single, that it made it ok. I hadn't realized how bad my addiction really was. ..I wish my dad knew how bad it really was, before he ruined the relationship with my mom. They just got divorced not even a month ago, but my mom kicked him out in November. Thanks for helping me see the truth, I just hope it's not too late to enjoy.”
5/26/5 “Before we began our relationship, I was aware of his sexual addiction in his previous marriage - arrest for solicitation of a prostitute, internet sex (both cyber sex and meeting women online for sex only), and pornography. I was stupid enough to think our love would be enough for him. That he would never do any of that with me! Ha! Was I ever wrong. I have caught him engaged in all of the above. The most recent being another arrest for solicitation. I am lost and alone. I have no one to talk to about this. He is very respected in our community, his church, the children's schools, and with his family. I need someone to talk to. I need help!”
1/17/5 “My husband and I are both Christians, although we have not been active in church for a few years. Recently, our [teen] daughter came to me and said she saw her dad online chatting, and as soon as she walked by, he closed out the conversation. Curious, I installed a spyware program to see what he was doing. I was shocked to see that he was having homosexual conversations with gay men, claiming he was bisexual but needed to be discreet. The program also showed several websites that he had visited, from gay porn to homosexual porn, even incest. I have caught him, in the past, looking at porn and he always assures me "it won't happen again." It always does, however. When I confronted him, he admitted that he has always looked at porn and can't stop. I can't live with a man who views such filth in our home and on our computer which our children use. I told him to get help or get out, and he replies by bringing up things in my past, as if comparing the two. I am sick of the lies. I am sick of him being late for work because he sat up until 2am looking at filth!”
11/27/4 “Things seem just impossible. Who would imagine that after sharing many years with a man and having had two children, this father, husband and friend would completely forget it all to a point of total excommunication? [My husband] is neither interested nor concerned about our existence and stays over her house (the other woman) more often than at his own apartment. I just wonder if there will ever be a change? Could the Holy Spirit truly enter this cold heart and rid it of the power of the unholy? Can God out -smart the adversary that has taken a hold of [my husband’s] heart and has turned it against his own flesh and blood? I never thought the adversary was this powerful to completely destroy a marriage, a family and a home. But I am only human and I can only rely on God's holy and divine strength and intervention. It's our only refuge and hope. “
11/17/4 “I have been addicted to porn for quite some time...many years and although I’m only 19 probably the better half of my life has been addicted. I have called myself a Christian for many years, but realized very recently at last that I had a foot in both worlds and that I was not truly a Christian unless I kicked the habit. It has led to destruction in my life and has allowed depression to set in to a large degree...failure with my addiction.”
9/9/4 “I told my husband before we were married that I wouldn't marry him if he looked at porn. He told me he didn't; so I married him. Over the last 3 and a half years, He has lied to me several times by looking at porn on the internet. This last time he was writing to an underage girl about sex. I'm scared and worried and I need help from God to know what to do in this situation. My husband and I went to a counselor once this week, and hopefully will be going again next week. I'm afraid my husband will hurt me again. Even if he does stop looking at porn, I'm afraid I will never trust him again. Our marital problems are affecting my school work, I'm afraid I will not pass my classes because of all of the negative things going on… My husband gets angry and defensive all of the time when I try to talk to him about our marriage situation… If he is going to hurt me again, I don't want to be married to him anymore.”
4/12/4 “I have always been comfortable in my sexuality. I began looking at pornographic materials around the age of 10 or 11, I am now nearly 23; more than half my life. It grew in stages from simply viewing naked women, to soft porn, to hard core full blown pornography. I viewed magazines, videos, websites, anything I could to get that satisfaction. What I didn't realize, is that I was using it like a drug, to ease the pain of real life and its issues. Through the years I began experimenting with masturbation and viewing harder porn to keep getting "higher." After eleven years of increased desensitization, I was on the internet and ended up lusting after "bi-curious"/homosexual porn. For me, this was the worst thing that could've ever happened. I felt hopeless, in despair, and lost. I began to have all sorts of negative thoughts. I even began to wonder if I had always been homosexual. This was the biggest lie the devil could have tried to persuade on my warped, perverted mind. If it weren't for God's grace, I might've believed the lie. The truth behind that night, was that I was already in deep despair beforehand from the life around me, and everything that had been going on. I had no job, felt as though I had no friends, no girlfriend, and my drive for life was completely drained. In the midst of all this pain, I gave in to devil even more than I had already done in the past. Before all this, I had never thought porn or masturbation was a sin, obviously uneducated on the Word of God. What I realized that night, was how far it had taken me, into a hell of my own. Since then, it has been extremely difficult. I have been more confused, and filled with more disgust, guilt, and shame, than I have ever known to exist. I have been on my own journey back to the Lord, and will continue to seek Him, until this lie of the devil is no longer a part of my life. I strongly urge you to seek Him as well, before it's too late. Pornography, masturbation, and sexual sin in all aspects are evil and works of the devil, don't let them destroy you. If you give it power, it will take it, ten-fold. Porn is utterly destructive, on the mind, heart and soul. Don't kid yourself otherwise.”
12/15/3 “This has been a problem that I realize I have struggled with for about half my life. I'm 25 now, and I have seen my habits grow from masturbation to small viewings of pornography, to uncontrollable addictions. I am able to curb my appetite, but weeks and sometimes months later it shows its head and wedges its way back into my life. My social life is suffering, my confidence is suffering, I don't treat those close to me with as much respect as they deserve. My mind has been fed this filth for too long.”
10/14/3 “I'm a 19 year old male who has been trapped in the clutches of pornography for a little over 2 years now. Little did I know on that day when I literally begged my parents to get the Internet that I would be taking my first steps towards sin and debauchery.
I am sharing my story in hope that I may purge out pornography once and for all. Pornography is so prolific that it manages to seep into your everyday life with ease if you wanted it to. For me, it started with the little things such as "soft-porn", and before I knew it I was spending many evenings and early mornings locked in my bedroom entertaining this seedy indulgence. Pornography is such a integral part of my life that only very recently did i realise that this demon had imbedded itself into my Heart of Darkness.
Two years down the track, I cannot tell you how much all the facets of my life have suffered due to my addiction. Physically, pornography is extremely draining. Hour upon hour is spent on the computer searching for that perfect picture or website, which in our hearts of hearts knows doesn't really exist. My studies have suffered to a great extent too, as has my social life which is currently non-existent. Pornography, I have found, is most detrimental to the mind. It conjures up feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness that can hardly be good for anybody's confidence.
Pornography is like a parasite, draining the goodness and life out of me, slowly but surely turning me into some instrument of decadence that I myself cannot recognize. I only pray that God has mercy on my soul and gives me the strength to break free.”
8/26/3 “This is the 13th month of my marriage as well as my struggle of being the wife of a sex addict. It was painful to find that my husband was a sex addict the day I moved to his apartment. It was like a huge stone weighting my mind since then, I tried to confront him and he admitted it and has tried to stop since then… I still have caught him lots of times [lusting over the porn images], or beautiful women with their tempting appearance every time we go out…his opinion is that to look is just fine, as long as you are not sexually involved. Many times it drove me crazy to find it [the porn]. I felt sometimes that I could hardly bear the pain anymore. I am frustrated and he always accuses me of being brutally jealous every time I remind him to be aware. He even told me many times that my jealousy is going to ruin our marriage. I couldn't say anything and could only cry. He hates when I cry.
Porn and free sex has been OK with him since he was started puberty. He was sexually active at 14 and didn’t grow up in a religious environment. He's been around with so many different women in his life who were all unbelievers. Nobody ever introduced him about the love of GOD. He's Catholic by name, he never really practiced it in his life until he met me who's always be involve with the church.
GOD knows how I long to see him free from all the bondage of his past sexual sins even though it's hard for me to forgive his mistakes but I did forgive him now. I love him, he's my life, and I believe there's always a hope in Jesus that he'll be completely healed. I know GOD has open the door of salvation for him and I will stand by him for that. … I just pray every time I have a chance that my husband will be free and cleansed, by the power of the Holy Spirit, and power of Jesus blood.
It seems that the power of darkness still enslaves his mind and doesn't want to let him go, it doesn't let him to read all the bible verses or spiritual articles I have given him. It made him lazy, and stopped his reading. I just keep my faith and believe that no matter how little he reads the Holy Spirit will work on him.“
6/12/3 “[my husband] has always had some form of porn in his life since I've known him…He has always been able to convince me that ALL men do this and I'm the one with hang ups about sex. Phone sex, internet, and flicks have all been involved. He would admit to it when confronted with evidence and say that he goes thru phases of looking and not looking. I, on numerous occasions have tried to explain how I feel, and it doesn't do any good. He said he cut back but not stop looking completely. It has only gotten worse as did his drinking. I believe my oldest son knows that his Daddy looks at porn (he has tried to blame him before), and I believe he has now watched flicks with the children at home and him locked in the bedroom. I was completely cussed out when I confronted him. He hardly works, never helps out at home and isn't any emotional support to me or the children. They think he is mean. I've prayed and tried to except this situation for a long time but I can't hang in there much longer. He doesn't want to stop... I need prayer on where to turn now. I'm tired of carrying around this dirty little secret and living a lie. My children and I want to be happy, joyous and free.”
5/23/3 “I’m 63 and have been addicted to pornography since I was 13. In 1995 through counseling and prayer I was able to finally get rid of all the magazines, books and videos. …I lived a porn free life from July 1995 until October of last year. Then I got a computer and totally slipped off the wagon. Part of my healing process was simply staying away from places that sold pornographic material and rented adult videos. With a computer in the house the mountain has come to Mohammed. I have never in my life had porn materials of every imaginable kind so readily available. It is all just a mouse click away. I did not purchase this computer with porn in mind. I primarily bought it because it seemed to be a good way to keep in contact with my children who live in another state. And this has indeed has proved to be the case. There are so many wonderful things out there in cyber land. So getting rid of the computer is a last resort. Also a contributing factor to my falling off the wagon is isolation. On January 10, 2000, I became my Mother's care giver. She had a stroke so I retired from my job to take care of her. I will not go into all the details about caregiver's burnout but I have been running on empty for some time now. The porn just filled a void in my life. But instead of contributing anything positive it has just made things worse. Now not only am I suffering from burnout I’m also filled with guilt, disappointment, self-doubt and a lot of other personal negative feelings. …I just want to get my life back. I’m tired of looking at and trading porn with other lost souls for up to 10 hours a day. Hopefully your online course (Freedom Journey I) coupled with an online support group will be the key to recovery.”
3/29/3 “I am a minister that 5 years ago was forced to leave the ministry because of my addiction to internet pornography. Subsequently I also lost my marriage. I proceeded to fall deeper into my addiction and them eventually completely left my faith behind me. That was two years ago. In October of 2001, God re-affirmed His call upon my life. I was called to minister, and He would still have me do so, despite my self. I continued to struggle with my addiction. I tried every method I knew to control myself. In November of 2002, I found Sex Addict Anonymous (SAA), a 12 step recovery group for sex addicts. Through this program I am learning to deal with my addiction. As a by-product, and a result that I feel is paramount to my personal recovery, I have learned that I will only be able to successfully minister to others when my own spiritual life is healthy. I discovered your web site when looking for sexual addiction aids on the net. Your daily devotionals have become a very important part of my recovery. It has also helped my fiancé understand my addiction, and opened up the avenues of communication along these lines. I pray that your organization continues its ministry.”
3/4/3”After six years of marriage, I have come to know that my husband has been involved in porn for the past couple of years. He portrays the image of being a Christian (goes to church, reads the bible every day, and journals daily). He got fired from his job for going to porn sites. He lied to me about it. He also continually lusts after women (not just pictures on the internet - but, TV, magazine, friends, next door neighbor, women in crowds). He has been living a secret life and I had no idea. When I first confronted him on these things, he denied it all. Once I showed proof that knew of his actions, he admitted them. I am just sick over all this. I feel like my life has been shattered. I feel so undesirable and unattractive. I know he loves me, but how can this have happened?”
2/7/3 “I'm a 17 year-old set to graduate from high school soon. I'm distressed because I can't enjoy my final year. Although my anxieties about an advanced load of schoolwork cost me a great deal of sleep and sometimes sanity, what concerns me most is an unrelenting addiction to pornography that has progressively worsened over a two-year period. I have become fully isolated, and find only converse with friends at school, not at home. I can leave the addiction for only one or two weeks, and then am compelled to return to numb thoughts and feelings. It has, most recently, become nothing more than a drug addiction: I view these images to get an unnatural, euphoric "high" in order to suppress depressive thoughts and symptoms of withdrawal. I've read so many articles about the price one must pay for an addiction to porn; I see it occurring in me as I write this: my body chemistry and the neural pathways in my brain are being altered, and I'm finding myself more and more dependent on the "fix" from porn, to say nothing of my soul's dilemma concerning its effects. I was a born-again Christian two years ago... now I feed only myself, and run to depravity on Sundays. I'm running out of ideas really quickly on how to resolve this painful addiction; God works, but with my stressful load, I can only remain His for a small time. I have a number of other problems, but I swear if I could rid myself of this addiction, at least two-thirds of my stress would be effectively reduced. In addition, because of many things, I'm anti-social, and therefore find myself depressed when I'm alone for too long. That's why I'm so dependent on porn.”
1/2/3 “I'm 17, and I have been masturbating for four years. It started when my friend told me of a free password site for porn. I tried stopping, but the temptation was too great. I kept telling myself I'll stop tomorrow. I tried gradually going down, and I said to myself, well maybe reading explicit stories isn't bad. But the fantasies were still in my head. I had to read more and more extreme stories, until I started visiting explicit websites again. I thought I was hopeless. What's worse follows. I then started looking at gay porn. I know deep inside, God has made me compatible for a woman, and I want a family later on. But the temptation kept growing and growing. I don't watch porn anymore, but I can't stop masturbating. Most of the time, I try to justify it, saying there's nothing wrong with it. But now I know, spiritually and biologically, there IS something wrong.”