Let me give it to you straight, AP.
So My ex and I broke up, oh about 40 minutes ago. We dated for almost 2 years and had many ups and downs but I always went out on a limb for her, always put her first and tried to make her happy. Last summer she got drunk and fooled around with some guy and I was a wreck about that for so long. I've dealt with it pretty well and I stayed with her through it. I don't know if I regret it or not because I really do love her and we ended up having many a great times even after that all happened.
I had some minor depression problems before that little incident last summer and if anything, that whole situation amplified it so much more and I've been dealing with it ever since.
(For some insight, after it happened, i lost 20 pounds over 3 days from not eating. It's not that I didn't want to, my body physically couldn't.)
We argued more, I was seeing a counselor at college for some time and to be honest, it really helped. Going on meds has been a lasting issue in my head and I really want to try and make it without them but I digress.
We argued a lot more, my temper was shorter and to be honest, there was a part of me that still resented her but I tried to dilute it as much as I could through time. Underneath it all, i know she really hates herself for doing it and i think it really snowballed into the roots of most of our problems today. Well, yesterday.
See I know people argue. It just happens when you're around someone for so long. You take them for granted and sometimes its not as easy as you may want it to be. But relationships take a lot of work once you get going at them. It's not all fucking butterflies and snowflakes. Her reasons for not wanting to continue our relationship was that she was exhausted from arguing and generally unhappy - a fact that until now, I was pretty much oblivious to. She is horrible at communicating how she feels and when we do argue, I tend to lead the conversation. Lately her temper has been much shorter, she's increasingly defensive and snippy. And she doesn't realize that it doesn't help a thing. It makes them so much worse and all the while, i'm trying to work on my attitude and be patient. How am i supposed to accomplish anything when she is doing the opposite? It's so difficult.
And i mention all this shit stuff because well, I feel like shit. But I love spending time with her and I truely don't understand how 'unhappy' she can be. We have a great time together. Inside jokes, active lifestyles, the works. She is really nice to be around. I'm so lost, you know?
In all honesty, I'm doing better then I should be, mostly because we've come so close to breaking up before, that I've suffered through a lot of it already. But the ONE thing that gets me is all the parties she will go to and all of the guys she will meet, make out with and fuck. I swear, that's the shittiest thing I'm feeling about right now. Nothing makes me more upset because I had liberties with her body and herself that other guys are going to get to enjoy now. Son of a bitch.
That was all very cut and dry, but I had to get it out of my head. I've gone through so much with this girl, good and bad. And if tomorrow, she decided she wanted to get back together and that she would genuinely try better to communicate, I would get back with her in a second. Reading this, yep. Sounds fucking crazy. But I would really look forward to what could come of us if she made some changes like I have and decided it was all really worth it. I'm really broken up about it and I'm really afraid of how I'm going to feel given my deeply depressive history.
But if worse comes to worse, there's this really hot chick who works in the library that i've been dying to meet.
EDIT: And it blows that this happens to be my 412th post, because she's from Pittsburgh and that's the area code. Fack.