Fight Fair – California Kicks
Record Label: Triple Crown Records
Release Date: June 29th, 2010
Because I am writing this review, you can be sure that I have listened to Fight Fair’s debut full-length album California Kicks. Usually this is no problem and requires no acknowledgement, but I am genuinely embarrassed. Fight Fair has put my mortality into clear view. Now remember, I listen almost exclusively to terrible music; It’s my bread and butter because it makes me feel like less of a failure. And I consider myself one of those people who can find beauty in anything (except myself, of course). Yet I find nothing, not a single note, lyric or rhythm, worth praising on California Kicks. If this pop-puke album was a drowning child I would simply turn away and finish my crossword puzzle. Then I’d probably see a movie. And then, just maybe if there’s a lull in some conversation later, I’ll recount the story. Because even if this album-as-child died the most gruesome of deaths, we’d be better off. Wait: the album just began again and Alex Bigman’s obnoxiously altered whine has sent another chill down my spine. Fight Fair make the music hot blond girls listen to before serial killers wear their faces as loincloths.
While I may seem close-minded and completely uptight, and while that is also probably true, believe that this barrage of hate is solely based on musical output. This album is a void. “SexyFancyMoney” has a Ke$ha wannabe sharing vocal duties with Bigman on lines like, “I’ll give you the keys to my cars / Even pay off your credit cards / Just so you go steady with me.” And yeah, I understand that Bigman is being semi-facetious and silly and all, but do we need another weird offshoot of post-poverty Gabe Saporta? Certainly not; we don’t need that song’s terrible cheer section, the barbershop quartet intro of “Diner Date” (which is about post-modern art) or the chorus of “I’ve Got A Secret,” which reads as follows, “I’ve got a secret / I’ve got a crush on you.” No, we don’t need any of that. But we do need:
-KFC to invent a Triple Double Down sandwich
-Public toilets that allow you to hover over the seat
-I’d like to be turned into a cartoon and then be implanted into a Pixar movie
-Books that read US!
-A lingerie football cable channel
-Bigger Dunkaroos! Or any of my favorite childhood snacks that didn’t grow in size like I did.
-________ This spot is blank to allow for someone to add a scientific solution society needs. I tried looking one up but my boner started to go away.
-To adopt a system for speaking with dentists while they have their hands in our mouths.
-Let’s make condescension a crime.
Yes, we need all of those things. But we will never need a song like “Backseat Bingo” that is maybe? making fun of sock-hop tunes by dropping girl-friendly suggestions like “Taking off that blouse.” Nope, we were fine before California Kicks flew out of hell, and if we all work together, we’ll be fine again. Let us pray.
Recommended If You Like: For a completely different and unrelated reason, I wrote "Kill Me Now" on my hand. So, there's that.