[mylifeismusic]

Originally Posted by bastard_of_ness

Not at all bad. People bitch abotu grammar, but they obviously don't realize that pootry and grammar don't need to go hand in hand. The topic matter and tone feels very Mallcore/Hot Topic kid to me, but it certainly isn't horrible and shows some promise.

Who are your influences? Perhaps expanding them a bit could broaden your work's quality. I suspect reading some of the romantics could benefit you, perhaps Lord Byron...

thank you. and i do agree. i need to read more of others. but no one influenced me. my influences come from the emotions i have and the experiences ive been through.

[DaKilla623]

The open and end did not excite me in any way.

[mylifeismusic]

Originally Posted by DaKilla623

The open and end did not excite me in any way.

well shit lol. thanks anyway. and im sorry it did not excite you.

[bastard_of_ness]

Originally Posted by mylifeismusic

thank you. and i do agree. i need to read more of others. but no one influenced me. my influences come from the emotions i have and the experiences ive been through.

You have literary influences, whether you realize it or not.

[mylifeismusic]

Originally Posted by bastard_of_ness

You have literary influences, whether you realize it or not.

well then i don't realize it lol:p

[A Catalyst]

Good stuff man.

[ViciousFishes]

i liked it. just because the grammar isnt perfect doesnt mean its not good. maybe whoever wrote it, wrote it that was for a reason?

[lonewolfhayato]

Its not bad,
but I think you could come up with a better metaphor than
"fall like rain"
as you said in the previous line that her blood is seeping through her clothes,
so "falling" seems to contradict seeping... in other words the imagery of the two lines doesn't really match and and so it doesn't form one cohesive image for the reader's imagination.

[mylifeismusic]

Originally Posted by lonewolfhayato

Its not bad,
but I think you could come up with a better metaphor than
"fall like rain"
as you said in the previous line that her blood is seeping through her clothes,
so "falling" seems to contradict seeping... in other words the imagery of the two lines doesn't really match and and so it doesn't form one cohesive image for the reader's imagination.

what i meant by that, is that it starts pooring out. the more he beats her the more blood. but i can see what you mean. i will come up with something better so there is no confusion lol. thank you!:)

[Leonardo Man]

Love tht passionn doohd

[Leonardo Man]

dont quite or take a break because this is THE break Lol

[mylifeismusic]

Originally Posted by Leonardo Man

dont quite or take a break because this is THE break Lol

thanks man:) lol ive wrote many other things. just havent got them on here yet..but i will:)

[blissfulrain]

Generic...

[brokenxheartedx]

i've read a lot of poems but of all of them urs is pretty amazing

[Vedanta]

Is everyone trolling? Troll invasion ftw?