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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 6/19 I can say without a doubt that this is the best column yet. You guys answered the call and sent in some fantastic questions, which I'm told Keith took very, very seriously. Even though his band is currently laying waste to Warped Tour stages across the country, Dr. Buckley still found time to fit us in his very busy schedule. As always, there are real questions sent in by our users. If you want to join in on the fun, send your questions to this Every Time I Die address. #every time i die #advice column #absolutexclusive #keith buckley
12:26 AM on 06/19/12
From The Office of Dr. Keith: 6.19.12Dr. Keith,
In the upcoming movie, "Gaylien vs. Child Predator", who do you envision playing the role of sigourney wiener?
Not sure, but here’s a picture of me as a Child predator at a Halloween party 3 years ago. im on the right.
How do you know when it's right to marry a girl? I have been with my special lady friend for almost 6 years and it is a healthy, happy relationship. I can say without a doubt that I love her. I figure I can trust you since we both share an affinity for the cinematic classic, Bachelor Party.
If you get her pregnant, that’s a sure sign its not meant to be.
The Biggest Maury Povich Fan on the Planet
I’ve recently acknowledged my affinity with the English language and I’m attending the local university working towards achieving an English degree, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that a person’s interest in writing waxes and wanes in an erratic fashion and when the all pervasive desire to articulate my thoughts hits me, I don’t have the tenacity sit down and complete what I’ve started. I figure it's an issue of self discipline, but I was wondering if you could offer any guidance in this department.
To paraphrase Mark Booth in “The Secret History of the World”, writing is a way to retreat from reality, cut experience into pieces from a distance and rearrange those fragments in a way you’d more prefer. Your unwillingness or inability to finish a writing task might stem from the fact that you just feel more comfortable IN reality and cannot step away. so I pose this question- what the fuck is wrong with you? Get out while you can, and stay out. Cheers.
I'm a struggling college student trying to balance about 9 different stresses. How do you like to blow off steam?
My personal method is to repress it for about 2 years, then weep spontaneously and uncontrollably while at Easter brunch with my parents.
Dear Dr. Keith,
My niece is an aspiring singer, unfortunately she's terrible (think Shakira). How do I tell her without hurting her feelings?
Do what everyone else does when they want to disparage someone with dreams. Talk shit about her on a message board.
Are there any severe side effects from extensively watching sitcoms from the 90's?
The only thing I can think of is that you might go to a hardcore show and try to start an Urkel Pit.
*in an ALF voice* HA!
(p.s. that might go down as the worst pun I’ve ever made)
What do you do when everyone thinks you're just a big corncob but all you wanna do is hook up with babes and slam a brewski or two but no one will allow you to spread your wings and fly?
Sing for a band. Sounds like you’ve got all the credentials for being a celebrity.
How do you make a long distance relationship work?
Compliment it with a close distance one.
Dear Doctor Keith,
Why was Prometheus so god awful? I know what made it bad, but why didn't they try harder? I am so perplexed and let down and I think only you can help.
Ok, this is the fourth email ive gotten regarding how “bad” this movie is and I’m downright sick of it. this movie was fucking great, it had tons of action right off rip and it is an amazing precursor to the story of Jar Jar Binks which has perplexed movie goers for years. I enjoyed every minute of it and if it was two hours longer you wouldn’t hear a peep from me.
is it wrong of me to tell chicks that i am your and Jordan's 2nd cousin in order to get a sympathy bang?
Whatever works my man. Just be careful. A few years ago someone tried to pick up my girl friend at a bar in buffalo by telling her that he was related to me, unaware that we were dating. I haven’t spoken to my dad since. #shinfo.
Your e-mail address emerged as a winner of £500,000.00 GBP(Five hundred thousand british pounds) of our just concluded draw. Kindly click on the LINK below for more info
Mario Pinotti (Promo Announcer)
Not a question as much as it is even FURTHER proof that I am destined for greater things. First a free phone from Wal Mart and now half a milly??? Adios, you poor losers. The next time you read a column of mine it’ll be through a telescope as I carve it into the moon.
09:13 AM on 06/19/12
Those last two killed me.
09:15 AM on 06/19/12
Oh shit Urkel pits hahaha
09:31 AM on 06/19/12
Redemption. This week was spectacular.
09:36 AM on 06/19/12
One of the best ones yet, and yes, Drew: this is definitely the best column ap has ever produced. Keep em' comin'.
09:54 AM on 06/19/12
I haven’t spoken to my dad since. #shinfo.
what a classic Keith thing to say
10:00 AM on 06/19/12
500,000 GBP = $786,550. keith is richer than he thought
10:17 AM on 06/19/12
Hang 'em high or not at all
Absolutely love this column. Are Andy and Steve still doing pudcasts? I haven't seen postings for those in a while.
10:18 AM on 06/19/12
Eat Snickers, Leave Garbage
"Urkel pit" is the greatest thing I've ever read on this site. Or any site, ever.
10:20 AM on 06/19/12
I know in my heart who I need to be
This is stellar. Absolute gold.
10:31 AM on 06/19/12
Alright, how long until someone starts a band called Urkel Pit?
10:36 AM on 06/19/12
I'll be Jason submitted the Prometheus question
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