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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 7/27

Posted by - 09:57 AM on 07/27/12
We're back to brighten your lives with another weekly edition of Keith Buckley's (Every Time I Die) advice column. Sorry it's late again this week, but apparently the Warped Tour doesn't provide sufficient enough internet for Keith. Anyways, this week's column features beards, dogs, and cream soda. As always, these are real emails from real AP.net users. If you want to join in on the fun, make sure to email your question to Keith here.
 
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09:58 AM on 07/27/12
#2
Drew Beringer
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From The Office of Dr. Keith Buckley: 7/27jesus christ, i cant wait to get back to civilization where the internet is guaranteed.

Dear Dr. Keith - I'm Canadian and since a thick beard goes hand in hand with a maple tree and a hockey stick in the winter months, how does one grow and groom a mountainous beard like yours? Does it take patience or do you have to roam around high schools hoping to get bit by a teen wolf?

I’m one of the lucky individuals that can grow a 5 o’clock shadow by 8am. My beard requires no trimming or preening or attention at all. I simply let my face ejaculate at will and what you see is what you get. My reason for letting it do so, however, is motivated by something a little more disturbing. I have multiple double chins. With a beard, I’ve taken the power back into my own hands and shifted the cat calls from “sick face scrotum, bro” to “awesome beard my man!”

Keith,
I was a recent victim of online identity theft. Some nerd somehow obtained my debit card number/information and cleaned out all $102 of my checking account. I'm not sure what kind of a free-for-most he had with my cheddar, but it made me ponder the question: What would Dr. Keith Anderson (guessing) Buckley do with $102 of someone else's money on the World Wide Web?

I’d put a $100 e-bay bid on the pair of underwear that Craig Owens wore on the cover of Alternative Press and if I won, the remaining $2 would be spent on a celebration cream soda.
UPDATE- turns out the bidding ended months ago. now I can buy 51 cream sodas in my imagination.


Dear Keith,
Being a plaid enthusiast like yourself, at what point do you admit you have a plaid problem? My wife is a saint for putting up with a closet full of plaid. And a husband full of plaid. Should I switch to stripes? Checkerboard? Slayer shirts?

Unfortunately sir, I have retired my flannel. it was fun while it lasted but it has recently been brought to my attention that people have a tendency to become frozen in the look they had when they were in the prime of their life. it explains botox, face lifts, steroids and Steven Segalls pony tail. I needed to leave the nest and venture into unchartered waters to avoid feeling like my life had already reached its peak, even if it was something as simple as a symbolic transformation in mens fashion. There is now a box in my basement full of all the shirts I once wore that will hopefully be inherited by my son (or vegan daughter) and I have proudly stocked my closet with XXL tuxedo t-shirts.

Keith,
What experiences do you have with acid? Would you recommend taking it? What advice would you give to someone who wants to to take it?

I don’t mess around with acid. Alcohol is my anti-drug. I AM trying to get my hands on some DMT though. You know anybody? You got a guy? Hook me up with your guy.

Dr Keith,
I'm about to enter my freshman year of college, and while I don't think homesickness will be an issue, I'm going to miss my dog to death. He's as attached to me as I am to him and I just can't seem to prepare myself to leave him here while I'm at school. Any advice?

I feel you buddy. I too love my dog and it broke my heart to leave for tour every month. i always wished I could bring him along but a 70 pound bulldog that sheds and farts would not have been enthusiastically accepted in a tour van. So, I murdered him. then I had him stuffed. Now he is just “a decoration”.

Dr. Keith,
Do you ever walk into a bookstore and become depressed at the amount of great things you will never get to read? With all of the options available, how do you decide which book to start after finishing one? Is it wrong to continually put off reading East of Eden so that I can read Game of Thrones? These are questions that need answering.

No, because I don’t go into book stores. All of my literature is purchased from grocery aisles and as soon as I complete these last 48 pages of my current bodice ripper, I WILL have read them all.

Dear Keith
a few weeks ago, one of my dearest friends, and someone who I considered a brother took his own life. Now, I was obviously never good with coping with loss (it's been a year and I still want to be with and marry my ex, I know it's pathetic). But one of the few people on this earth that I could confide in on my troubles and help guide me through took his own life, and now I feel so helplessly lost. He was absolutely the smartest, most talented and unique person I have ever, and probably will ever meet. He was actually a philosophy major. He was truly one of a kind and way ahead of his years in terms of intelligence. So I guess my question is, how would you cope with someone who is so truly unique passing on by taking his own life? Especially after having such hard time coping with losing someone who I thought was the love of my life. The impact this has had on me personally has been so earth shattering for me that I could use any type of insight. Especially from someone who has traveled the world and achieved so many things I only could dream about. Any insight would seriously be helpful. And if you have read this, I am sincerely grateful.
Thanks,
Preston Bailey

I’m not going to touch this one. I am hardly equipped to be a grief councilor, as my personal approach to dealing with grief is to joke about it and cross my fingers that there really isn’t a hell. I will, however, include your letter to me in this weeks column in the hopes that people read it and send posi vibes your way. Your friend sounded like a good man.
10:10 AM on 07/27/12
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tacosforcharles
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Hilarious. He handled the last question quite well.
10:17 AM on 07/27/12
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x5148145
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good job on the last one. i can respect that. did good on the $102 dollars one too.
10:24 AM on 07/27/12
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donwagenblast
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Quote:
I’d put a $100 e-bay bid on the pair of underwear that Craig Owens wore on the cover of Alternative Press and if I won, the remaining $2 would be spent on a celebration cream soda.

Perfection.
10:26 AM on 07/27/12
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JTHomeslice
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I know that face scrotum feel. And good vibes to you Preston.
10:50 AM on 07/27/12
#7
xHoodieWeather
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Craig Owens line is golden.
11:21 AM on 07/27/12
#8
ChaseTx
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"(or vegan daughter)"

haha. I was unaware that Keith had a beard these days...
11:36 AM on 07/27/12
#9
CastlesXClouds
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so i murdered him and had him stuffed. jesus fuck this is my favorite one for sure.
11:39 AM on 07/27/12
UndeclaredNJ
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You looking for that DMT?
11:45 AM on 07/27/12
Halpertwannabe
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To that last question. Life goes on dawg. Everyone dies at some point. Just make sure to live your life to the fullest and remember all the badass times you had with your friends. That dude sounded like an awesome Guy though
12:21 PM on 07/27/12
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Loved the craig owens response and to Preston i feel you, in my opinion i think you should move on from your ex and live your life as best you can a loss is tough but i believe you can get through it best wishes bud.
12:34 PM on 07/27/12
ReadyForAction
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DMT is a helluva drug. I would love to see Keiths thoughts on it
12:49 PM on 07/27/12
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Awesome responses, Kieth.

To Preston: Do your best to surround yourself with people who love and support you, and just do what you can to keep yourself busy with things that inspire you and keep you moving forward. That's the only direction you can go, even if it means powering through life's worst events. It's never easy for anyone and nothing can "fix" loss, but you can do everything within your power to try and have the most kickass days with some of the most kickass people, while still having those past memories of others to fuel new ones.

Idk, that's all I got. Take care of yourself and remember all the good things there are to be stoked about. Heart's with ya, man.
02:45 PM on 07/27/12
david Johnston
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This guy is too clever. These columns need to never stop

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