Tight Dick Playa
Male - 25 Years Old
I'll watch them no matter what, but its painful this year.
I mean...our superbowl year...and then last year?
I'll tell you what it was like.
It was like McCullay Culkin dating Mila Kunis. We got to date this complete fucking babe for 2 years, and we never even questioned it, we took every second of it for granted. We just assumed that since we maintained good hygiene and a steady income, that this was our reward. Mila Kunis then took us to the superbowl, fuck yeah. What a year. We'll remember that passionate superbowl sex with mila kunis for the rest of our lives, and after that we just assumed it would last forever. The next year, she took us to a 15-1 record. It was great, we were undefeated, fucking blowjobs on the daily man, just chalking up every week of life as a win. We hit a small bump in the road in Kansas City because for the first time we didn't think ourselves worthy. We looked in the mirror and said to ourselves "Wait...am i seriously banging mila kunis? what is going on here??".
Then the hurt came.
You see, week 16 last year was the first weekend we spent without Mila. She went to russia to stay with her family for a week, and she really wanted us to come. We should've just gone. Instead, we found excuses not to go. Things like "I don't have anything packed", "I really hate being mauled by bears", and "I don't speak any fucking russian whatsoever". Instantly, that was the beginning of the end. Mila Kunis had a week away from us to look at the situation. Suddenly, mila kunis realized that we were the huge benefactor here. We'd been making love to this goddess for nearly 2 years without putting anything into it except our own lustful greed.
Then the hammer struck.
"I just need to take some time to think about things" said Mila quietly as she hung up the phone.
We knew...we already knew...it was over.
Playoffs came and the magic was gone. Eli Manning whipped his dick out and placed it on the table next to ours. We paled in comparison. After tucking our dick back into our pants we went home defeated. In the offseason we tried to get over Mila. Maybe next year would be different, maybe she'd want us back...maybe we could win her back.
So far it hasn't happened and it probably never will. We traded the endzone for the friendzone. Now Mila Kunis is the hottest babe ever, and we're the fucking loser who hasn't been relevant since Home Alone II: Lost in New York.
The Panthers have only had 4 winnings seasons in our 17 year existence. And we currently have the longest amount of time without a winning record in the league (we've been below .500 since December 2008). Please stop.