Not going to kill myself because I don't have the guts. My main goal in life, if the plan for a solution fails, is to move out of my folks' house for their sake, find a stable job where I can support myself by illustrating/digital painting, and live comfortably alone and in peace. *cue comfortably numb by pink floyd*
Finding a tenderlover is out of the question. Not because I'm bisexual/gay and on the downlow. Not because I want to avoid relationships. Believe me, dying alone was never part of the plan. However, the game changed when my parents put me on medicine at a young age to deal with the psychosis. After being on the medicine so long, I thought it would be a good idea to take myself off it and replace them with more natural drugs (like weed). That only made the psychosis worse, which surprised me because at that age I never knew of a single person who didn't become more chill/happy while on that stuff. Maybe alcohol would have been a better option, or maybe not given that both of my folks and a large portion of my family are alcoholics and I didn't want the same fate. Nothing against alcoholics, but that lifestyle always ends up being more negative than positive.
Anyway, after going crazy my folks put me back into the mental hospital. During my stay there I was put on medication that numbed me significantly. Not only mentally and emotionally, but physically; there was a side effect that can best be described as something similar to chemical castration. With the feelings in my genitals gone, most of my social skills left too. What's the point in socializing and becoming close to people you care about if you can't express love physically? It's a healthy and natural part of life. Yes, being asexual can also be healthy, but I always wanted to know what sex was like. To find some kind of complete physical/spiritual/emotional fulfillment with a person I love.
Now I am almost totally unsociable because my extreme anxiety prevents me from communicating with most of the world. I'm a real piece of work: obese because of the meds (unattractive), angry and frustrated because sex is removed from my life for good, and depressed and sometimes manic due to the meds I was put on at a young age and the poor decision to take myself off them when I was 18.
Well, that's the sob story. I'm looking into seeing a urologist and hopefully there are options for me. I'm off the meds that made my genitals numb, and am taking something much less intense, but the sexual side effects still remain. When I brought this up to a couple of doctors they told me to talk to the psychologist, who then told me to make an appt. with the urologist. Once I save enough money, I'll go and hopefully find a cure for this.