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11:55 AM on 01/31/13 
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suicidesaints
A Million F@$% Diamonds
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Dallas
Male - 31 Years Old
I've got a friend who I've been best friends with for about 10 years. We met when working at the same place, and I know if given the right situation, he's a good, hard worker... but recently he'd had trouble finding/keeping a job. I've done a lot to help him (put together a resume with him, helped him find opportunities/apply) but he hasn't found anything stable yet...

Long story short, he's probably not gonna have a place to live pretty soon, and he's talked to me about staying with me and my girlfriend until he gets on his feet. I told him that I wouldn't say no, but I'd have to talk to my girlfriend about it and there'd have to be some guidelines.

I'm worried that if I let him stay with me, it's going to take him AT LEAST a few months to get enough money together to get a place of his own, and that's best case scenario... He'd have to find a job immediately and keep it and save just about everything for that happen... I don't want to turn him down, cuz he's a good friend and I don't want to create drama, or see him without a place to stay... but honestly he could move out of state and have a place to stay with another friend who has welcomed him with open arms... but he doesn't want to do that (for whatever reason)

I'm also afraid that if I let him stay with me, and he doesn't find work, that at some point I'll have to tell him to leave, and that probably won't wind up going well...

Anyone been in this situation? Any suggestions?
12:00 PM on 01/31/13 
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White
Pornography and a bag of drugs.
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If he was a true friend, he wouldn't burden you like that. He sounds like an asshole.
12:22 PM on 01/31/13 
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suicidesaints
A Million F@$% Diamonds
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Dallas
Male - 31 Years Old
If he was a true friend, he wouldn't burden you like that. He sounds like an asshole.

I agree, it's a little selfish to burden me, but sometimes people need help...

Do you think you should ever open your home to a friend in need? Is there something specific about this situation that makes it different?
01:38 PM on 01/31/13 
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herestoyoufla
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I definitely wouldn't be able to turn a friend of mine down if they legitamaely needed help. I'd probably give him a deadline though. Like, "You can stay with me until February _____ but by then you need to have either found a new place to stay/have found a job or whatever. Then you won't have to "kick him out" because he'll know in advance how long he is welcome.
03:14 PM on 01/31/13 
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suicidalmoose
Lindsay let me kiss your forehead!
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Male - 27 Years Old
I agree with White, there's no way I'd put a friend (or anyone) in this situtation. If you were living alone sure, no problem, but asking to stay with you AND with your girlfriend is really fucked, especially when he has other options. He's being really selfish.

Still, if I was in your shoes I'd tell him, as the user above me said, something like "you have until the end of February to get a job, and if it doesn't work out you'll go to your other friend's house".

If he doesn't want to leave your house once he's settled, though, it's gonna be a shitty situation. But at least if that happens you'll know he's the one being an asshole, and not you.
04:16 PM on 01/31/13 
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Spencer Control
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Why can't he keep a job? Do you think he's being a jerk by asking you for this? How has your relationship with him been over the years (would his habits mesh with yours, is he unassuming, etc)?
05:27 AM on 02/01/13 
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suicidesaints
A Million F@$% Diamonds
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Dallas
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I think we'd be able to get along well enough... He's unable to keep a job because he has had a fairly tough upbringing, doesn't have a lot of education, has health issues, etc... I do however truly believe if he found the right job, he would be able to keep it and even do well there... I've worked with him before and he is a hard worker and doesn't fuck around like lots of other people I've known/worked with.

I agree about giving him a deadline to move out, but I can almost guarantee that unless I gave him a deadline of lets say... i dunno, 6 months, it wouldn't be enough time for him to get the money together to move out... so it seems like I would just be delaying the inevitable

ALSO... as of now, he's broke... I mean he gets food stamps and has been trying to get on disability because of his medical problems, but he's got no money... so I know he can't help out with expenses AT ALL, and I wouldn't really expect him to, but I can hardly feed myself and my girlfriend.
06:03 AM on 02/01/13 
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herestoyoufla
Still starin' down the sun
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Yeah, that sounds like a no then. I'd just be honest and tell him that you can barely afford to feed yourself/your girlfriend, and that you wish you could help, but money won't allow it.
06:30 AM on 02/01/13 
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WaveUponWave
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Ireland
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so it seems like I would just be delaying the inevitable

yup.
10:17 AM on 02/01/13 
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Tony
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It's noble of you to help a friend in need, and it's hard to ask friends for help when you really need it, but six months is entirely too long to have a houseguest. At that point, he'd officially be a roommate and would need to be pulling his own weight. And really, if he can't pull his life together in that amount of time, then it's time to start questioning his motives.

If you're going to have him staying with you for longer than a week, you need to lay out ALL the ground rules - cooking, cleaning, applying for jobs, interviewing, eventually repaying you for utilities and food, etc. Make it clear to him that he will not be allowed to sit on your couch all day watching TV. He will leave the house when you and your girlfriend do, and he can return when you're both home for the day. Yeah, it's kind of parental to have to do this with your friend, but his life is the one in disarray and he's created a situation where you have to parent him. If you're going to be feeding him and putting a roof over his head for any length of time, he needs to respect your home and abide by your rules.

You should work these rules out with your girlfriend ahead of time, and if you're serious about this girl, then you need to give her the absolute power to say when he needs to go, or if he can even stay with you guys at all. You may be his best friend, but you're not his only friend. He'll find other couches to crash on.

And know that no matter what, at this point your friendship has already been affected by this. It's up to you and him to determine how the future of your friendship will turn out. Best of luck to you.
08:26 PM on 02/01/13 
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HarryPotter
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I don't know his family situation, but he can always move back home. I know it sucks but I would do that before being a burden on a friend.
09:57 PM on 02/01/13 
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marieeboxx
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You're in a tough situation. I'm not going to say your friend wants to burden you, at least not intentionally, but since you two are good friends he probably feels he can trust you/count on you in time of need. And for the moving out of state thing, maybe he doesn't want to because his current residence is a stable environment for him, and to just get up and move out of the state will create some instability. For the job thing, tell him to apply at McDonald's or some "low key" job for the time being, but also continue to apply other places. The job market is though, and I'm speaking from experience. Although I'm a lot younger than you guys, I've struggled to find a job for about 4 or 5 years....a "low key" job. From my perspective, looking at that, it may take him a while to find something. Since you mentioned he has health problems it makes him a hard hire because employers don't want someone who isn't going to be reliable (I'm assuming is health problems prevent him from going to work on occasion). I do agree though, talk it out with your girlfriend, as well as give him an amount of time he can stay with you. I would suggest he pays for his own food, or at least chips in for food. Me personally wouldn't take in a friend for a short time if they don't at least pay/help pay for something. Anyway, I wish you the best.
12:24 PM on 02/03/13 
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suicidesaints
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Thanks for all the advice.

I'll have to see what happens.

I like the idea of forcing him to leave the house in the morning when we leave, and not allow him back in until we get home.

I think the main issue I have with everything is that I'm afraid that he will be somewhat offended if I don't let him stay, or envoke too many rules... but I've decided that if he can't handle it, then his friendship isn't worth it... I hope that he realizes that our friendship should be stronger than any short term hardships... that being said, I would help him, if I truly believed he was doing everything in his power to help himself, and still needed my help
06:38 PM on 02/06/13 
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xCoconutheadx
Perfectly Imperfect
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United States
Female - 21 Years Old
There are job placement programs. They will work around his medical barriers. If you think he will appreciate offer a deadline like the other gentleman suggested, or casually mention his family. (:



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