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Jono Goes To The Movies - "The Last Stand"

Posted by: Drew Beringer (02/04/13)
We're back with a new "Jono Goes To The Movies" column from The Swellers' drummer Jonathan Diener, where he gives his thoughts and opinions on new (and old) movies. Do you have any movies you'd like him to review? Put your suggestions in the comments. Hit the replies to read his review of The Last Stand.
    
 
Displaying posts 1 - 12 of 12.
03:12 AM on 02/04/13
#2
Drew Beringer
Senior Editor | @drewberinger | Locked Groove
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Jono Goes To The Movies: "The Last Stand"I would like to preface this week's column with an apology to my parents. You did such a great job raising me and I'll always appreciate your support and everlasting love. Now that that's out of the way, you know when you're watching porn and there's talking for like twenty minutes and you're not REALLY interested and then the action starts? That's how this movie started. Arnold Schwartzenagger (I tried doing an emoticon in the name but it won't work) is looking really old, having a strange limp, a strong and leathery face, and somehow is actually getting worse at speaking English. The movie has him playing an out of place small-town sheriff who wants to teach the quirky townspeople how to handle themselves. Johnny Knoxville, the man famous for playing the part of getting hit in the balls and bit by animals and stuff, let his acting kick him in the nuts this time. He PROBABLY shouldn't be in movies. Honestly, you're a cool dude… just don't take these roles, man.

The movie has two sub-plots that eventually coerce into one SUPER PLOT that is not only mind revolution inducing, but also both not that good. If the Arnie part was cut out of the movie, I think it'd be at least a forgettable mindless cop thriller, but who else would slowly pull a gun out at the bad guys while getting shot at by 10 machine guns and not get a scratch on him? I mean, they're probably not making another The Expendables for a little bit… and the last time he said, "I'll be back" was to his illegitimate child he had with his maid. He has it ALL going for him. HE WAS IN CHARGE OF CALIFORNIA! YOU GUYS DID SUCH A GOOD JOB!

My favorite actor in the movie (other than the pretty police ladies YES I WOULD DATE YOU) is Mr. Luis Guzman. He's a small Puerto Rican fella born on August 28th, 1956 at a height of 5'7" married to Angelita Galarza-Guzman and father to Cemi Briggs-Guzman, Yemaya Briggs-Guzman, Luna Briggs-Guzman, Yoruba Briggs-Guzman, Clare Briggs-Guzman, Margarita Briggs-Guzman and Jace O' Flynn Guzman. Just some info to add to his character development in the film. Yeah, that guy was in it.

In short, I could list you more info about Luis Guzman, but if you want some laughs (few intentional, the rest not so much) then I suggest you see this movie if your friends are the third shift janitorial staff at NCG Trillium Cinema in Grand Blanc, MI… if NOT… then PROLLY DON'T SEE IT.

P.S. Luis Guzman is 1.71 meters if you use the metric system. He's also 56 if you use the age system.
04:10 AM on 02/04/13
#3
CastlesXClouds
Relax
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okay
04:44 AM on 02/04/13
#4
a speedo model
an enthusiast
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What the hell...
05:47 AM on 02/04/13
#5
Cody Nelson
facebook.com/comedyfiends
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These are always really tough to read.
07:26 AM on 02/04/13
#6
bradsonemanband
Change To Fire/Cootie Catcher
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what's up Keith Buckley? oh wait...
07:40 AM on 02/04/13
#7
Jaytothesyg
The Greatest Generation
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Hahahah

I knew this movie was gonna be pretty bad though
09:56 AM on 02/04/13
#8
DylanPPPP
snooch to the nooch mother fucker
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I just like this because I was at that exact theater nearly every day a couple summers ago haha
03:27 PM on 02/04/13
#9
ctmk
Get him a cranberry juice
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Anyone see Mama? I wanna see it but idk if its worth the ticket price.
03:35 PM on 02/04/13
George_mm
You bred raptors?
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This dude is the worst with these columns.
03:36 PM on 02/04/13
George_mm
You bred raptors?
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These are always really tough to read.
Seriously, theyre not even funny or witty.
10:19 PM on 02/05/13
Jonodeath
The Swellers / Jonathan
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Thanks for the support! Hoping to do a few a week, or even a day from now on!
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