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04:12 AM on 02/04/13
Drew Beringer
Senior Editor - @drewberinger - Locked Groove
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Jono Goes To The Movies: "The Last Stand"I would like to preface this week's column with an apology to my parents. You did such a great job raising me and I'll always appreciate your support and everlasting love. Now that that's out of the way, you know when you're watching porn and there's talking for like twenty minutes and you're not REALLY interested and then the action starts? That's how this movie started. Arnold Schwartzenagger (I tried doing an emoticon in the name but it won't work) is looking really old, having a strange limp, a strong and leathery face, and somehow is actually getting worse at speaking English. The movie has him playing an out of place small-town sheriff who wants to teach the quirky townspeople how to handle themselves. Johnny Knoxville, the man famous for playing the part of getting hit in the balls and bit by animals and stuff, let his acting kick him in the nuts this time. He PROBABLY shouldn't be in movies. Honestly, you're a cool dude… just don't take these roles, man.

The movie has two sub-plots that eventually coerce into one SUPER PLOT that is not only mind revolution inducing, but also both not that good. If the Arnie part was cut out of the movie, I think it'd be at least a forgettable mindless cop thriller, but who else would slowly pull a gun out at the bad guys while getting shot at by 10 machine guns and not get a scratch on him? I mean, they're probably not making another The Expendables for a little bit… and the last time he said, "I'll be back" was to his illegitimate child he had with his maid. He has it ALL going for him. HE WAS IN CHARGE OF CALIFORNIA! YOU GUYS DID SUCH A GOOD JOB!

My favorite actor in the movie (other than the pretty police ladies YES I WOULD DATE YOU) is Mr. Luis Guzman. He's a small Puerto Rican fella born on August 28th, 1956 at a height of 5'7" married to Angelita Galarza-Guzman and father to Cemi Briggs-Guzman, Yemaya Briggs-Guzman, Luna Briggs-Guzman, Yoruba Briggs-Guzman, Clare Briggs-Guzman, Margarita Briggs-Guzman and Jace O' Flynn Guzman. Just some info to add to his character development in the film. Yeah, that guy was in it.

In short, I could list you more info about Luis Guzman, but if you want some laughs (few intentional, the rest not so much) then I suggest you see this movie if your friends are the third shift janitorial staff at NCG Trillium Cinema in Grand Blanc, MI… if NOT… then PROLLY DON'T SEE IT.

P.S. Luis Guzman is 1.71 meters if you use the metric system. He's also 56 if you use the age system.

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