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11:54 PM on 02/25/13 
#1
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kbomb001
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The World of Dreams
Male - 22 Years Old
I've been thinking about this for a little while and I need some advice. I wasn't really sure where else to go.

In high school, I had a few friends, but none of them were really into things I'm into. I went away to college and made friends who would watch anime and play video games with me. I felt like I'd really found my niche. Whenever I'd come home and was around my friends here, I felt like I had to suppress all of that around them. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends from home, but it'd be nice if I could talk about things I like with people who actually care. It makes me just feel out of place and lonely whenever I try to get them into things that I like or I hear them talking about what they do with their other friends.

I've been at home for a few semesters while I figure things out with my major, but I'm going away again in the fall. As of now, I'm supposed to room with one of my friends from back home. The original plan was that the two of us were going to room together; it will be her first semester there, and she didn't really know anyone (the one or two people she does know have living plans already). She wanted to room with a third person to try to reduce the costs, and I agreed, telling her that I had a few friends who needed roommates. In the end, she wound up making a friend back home at her community college, who is supposed to be rooming with us. I didn't really know her, but after meeting her a few times, she seemed alright. On the other hand, it went from me rooming with a friend who didn't really know anyone to me rooming becoming the third wheel.

This past weekend, we went down to the school (which is three and a half hours away) to search for apartments. We decided on a good one, and I spent time with my friends while I was down there since I don't get that opportunity very often. I thought that she and her friend had made plans, but they wound up tagging along with me for parts of the weekend. I went to the anime club's game night, played video games with my friends (who were being super loud and really into it), and stayed up until 4:30 watching cartoons with my friends. This is what our typical weekend hangouts are like when I visit (and when I went there). Whenever they were with me, they looked bored out of their minds and would intentionally make comments about how they didn't want to be there. (Note: I was not forcing them to stay there, and they both did have other people they wanted to see, so I don't know what was going on there.) On the other hand, it could have just been because we were all up since 4:30 in the morning so we could arrive early enough to meet with the apartment people.

As we were leaving to come home, they said that my friends were "really nerdy, but really nice," and it suddenly hit me that if I room with them, not only will I be the third wheel on a regular basis, but I'll have to go back to repressing all of my "nerdy" interests, aka basically everything that I care about that isn't music. This school was supposed to be a sanctuary where I could escape hiding away that part of my life, but if I room with them, I fear that I'd never be able to have friends over to do stuff because they'd be complaining about it the whole time or rolling their eyes or just generally being condescending like they usually are. It doesn't help that when they asked their friend to visit us once we moved in, they said, "You can bring some normalcy to nerd central," so I'm assuming they're going to try to limit how often my friends and I do that stuff in the apartment since they obviously have a problem with it. I also hate that my friend is so condescending about it, but I should've expected it since that what it's always like with my friends back home.

One other semi-related thing is that it made me realize that she goes to bed (and gets up) waaay earlier than I do, which will probably become an issue, especially on the weekends.

I guess the reason why I made this thread is that I want to know if I'm being petty or stupid for considering not rooming with them over these things. Note that nothing has been finalized yet (so I won't be ruining any actual plans to live together) and if I leave, they will still have each other to room with, so I wouldn't be ditching her and leaving her behind. I don't expect everyone on here to understand my situation, but if someone does, I'd appreciate some help.
I see where you're coming from 100% (i'm a big video game and anime denizen), but, they need to know that you will not tolerate "suppressing" who you are for the sake of their comfort. Put your foot down. if they aren't willing to make considerate compromises, show them the door.
12:09 AM on 02/26/13 
#2
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kbomb001
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Male - 22 Years Old
Way before the whole roommate thing even came up, I'd talked to them several times in the past few years about how I felt about that, and they took it as me blaming them for not liking what I like, which was not my intention. I was just trying to tell them how lonely it was to have to keep all that to yourself and how I didn't appreciate their condescending attitudes. (They're also condescending toward my other main interest, music, saying I'm a "hipster" even though I'm respectful of their tastes and don't listen to stereotypical "hipster" music, but they think Fall Out Boy or Jack's Mannequin are too "hipster," which is a rant for another thread.) That's one reason why I'm pretty reluctant to bring it up again. How can you bring that up without sounding like you're just going after them?
this is kinda tough, it almost feels like they're playing the victim since there are two of them and they don't want to take the hard way to apartmenthood

i suppose you say, "i am not saying what i say to blame you for not being into the same things I am or to go after you"
12:17 AM on 02/26/13 
#3
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kbomb001
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The World of Dreams
Male - 22 Years Old
Well, when I say I talked to "them" in the past few years, I meant all my friends here, not this new girl, but still. I can try it, but I can't guarantee it won't turn into a big fight like it typically does.
if they consistently "swing" first, you have your answer
12:49 AM on 03/03/13 
#4
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kbomb001
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Male - 22 Years Old
I found out that one of my other friends is looking for a roommate, so we're going to see if we can work it out. I haven't told the two girls yet just in case something falls through and I have to room with them anyway, but I'm trying to find out within the next couple of days so that they can have notice pretty far in advance. There are a few things I'd like to clarify, though.

First of all, I was going to room with these two people--one, who I'll call K, has been one of my best friends for years. We talk about problems and whatnot and hang out a lot. I don't want to stop being friends with her, but I understand that once we get to college, our friendship dynamic will be much different because we'll probably be part of two different "circles" of people. I understand not talking about stuff around people who aren't interested in the same thing, so it's not an issue when we're at home, I guess. It's not necessarily that she has a problem with it, it's that she's disinterested in it, and I think she unintentionally comes off as condescending about it. She has no problem being friends with me, but if I start talking about something "nerdy" it's...embarrassing for her or something? I don't really know how to describe it. I guess a similar example would be if you liked _____ band and your friends weren't really into music, you probably wouldn't constantly bring up the band around them because of the way they would react or behave.

The other girl, S, I literally met the week before we went down to go apartment hunting. She was nice for the most part though, until something like that came up. Something I don't entirely understand, though, is why this is happening. S is really into anime (deep cuts, too, not just the stuff everyone knows and not just "omg i ship it<3" like on Tumblr) and even went to Otakon and spent $200 on anime merch and whatnot. From what I understand, most of her friends are more "normal" (the word she used, not me), but still. K is really into Doctor Who, but from what I can gather on Tumblr and real-life interactoins, Doctor Who fans just don't consider themselves that "type" of person either. While part of my concern is that they'd make comments to my friends and to me, another concern in this regard is that they'll have friends over too and that those friends will be even ruder about it.

Another thing is that it's not like full-on bashing. They're not angry that I'm into any of this stuff or that my friends are. It's just like when friends mess with each other, but how after a while, it becomes much more grating than you initially let on. I know they don't mean for it to be so disrespectful or aggravating, but it just is.

Before I left to stay at home for a few semesters, I roomed with a friend who was really into all the same stuff that I am, and it was extremely liberating and great. I guess I got a little spoiled by that to the point where anything else seems unsatisfactory, haha. That's why I'm worried that I'm being petty even though I do have some other, more "legitimate" concerns (such as our vastly different sleep schedules). However, if it doesn't work out with my other friend, it won't be the end of the world. I mean, they're clean people and all that.

I didn't want to quote everyone, but since there were a bunch of responses, I just have this large block of text.

tl;dr - I think rooming together would not only drive me crazy, but destroy the friendship that we do have. They're not bad people, it's just an incompatibility issue. I'm trying to work something else out within the next few days, and if it doesn't work out, I'll fall back on rooming with these two. Thanks for all the advice!
thanks for the update and clarification

Godspeed
09:21 PM on 03/18/13 
#5
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kbomb001
Jesus Saves
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The World of Dreams
Male - 22 Years Old
Yeah, definitely! Same clubs, same taste in music--I'm really optimistic about it. The apartment itself is nice and all that, too.
Awesome, man

=)



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