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09:52 PM on 05/01/13 
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gfxtwin
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Male - 29 Years Old
After so much trauma I had growing up, internalizing negativity and cynicism, and more trauma that has occurred recently, I have reached the point where my eyes are constantly dry, every bit of laughter is forced, and I alienate everyone around me. I have given up on seeking relationships because I am not capable of having sex. I remember fleeting moments of love as a kid, and sometimes as a teen, but now I am completely antisocial. I can't enjoy anything and even my parents and grandparents are afraid to talk to me.

The only thing that will allow me to function in this world is to learn compassion. It seems like an abstract concept to me , though. I'm currently going to a counselor and she is not taking too well to me. I figure if even the psychiatric professionals can't stand me then I'm at rock bottom. How does one learn compassion/love?
12:25 AM on 05/02/13 
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saddr weirdr
We're all alone. grab a hold.
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I guess I don't have much advice for you other than to try different counselors if the one you're seeing isn't helping you much. It takes most people a few different tries before they find the right fit. Professionals are not infallible, and just because this one isn't taking too well to you doesn't mean there isn't any chance of you getting better, especially since you mention having had fleeting moments of love as a kid/teen.

I'm in a similar but less severe boat. I also went through severe trauma growing up and can feel emotions (far more intensely than everyone else, actually, which is awful in itself) but I'm completely detached from other people's happiness and pain, no matter how severe. This combined with my mental illnesses have prevented me from developing meaningful bonds.

Learning compassion and love isn't something you can do by yourself or something that happens in a short amount of time. But I don't think it's impossible. At least, I like to believe it's not impossible.
09:21 AM on 05/02/13 
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Portugal4142
@BrandonMir
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Pa
Male - 28 Years Old
After so much trauma I had growing up, internalizing negativity and cynicism, and more trauma that has occurred recently, I have reached the point where my eyes are constantly dry, every bit of laughter is forced, and I alienate everyone around me. I have given up on seeking relationships because I am not capable of having sex. I remember fleeting moments of love as a kid, and sometimes as a teen, but now I am completely antisocial. I can't enjoy anything and even my parents and grandparents are afraid to talk to me.

The only thing that will allow me to function in this world is to learn compassion. It seems like an abstract concept to me , though. I'm currently going to a counselor and she is not taking too well to me. I figure if even the psychiatric professionals can't stand me then I'm at rock bottom. How does one learn compassion/love?

Based on your thread history, I know you're going through a lot of shit. My best advice is to stop making these threads and go find something that makes you appreciate what you have. Volunteer, donate something, be a mentor to someone...

Also, find a new counselor, talk to your doctor about potential medications, and realize that no matter how shitty your life is, there are young children born with incurable illnesses who would give anything to live to see 28. Make the most of it. If you don't know how to help yourself, help someone else.
11:13 AM on 05/02/13 
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seymourbuttes
I'd do anything for a free t-shirt
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Male - 23 Years Old
After so much trauma I had growing up, internalizing negativity and cynicism, and more trauma that has occurred recently, I have reached the point where my eyes are constantly dry, every bit of laughter is forced, and I alienate everyone around me. I have given up on seeking relationships because I am not capable of having sex. I remember fleeting moments of love as a kid, and sometimes as a teen, but now I am completely antisocial. I can't enjoy anything and even my parents and grandparents are afraid to talk to me.

The only thing that will allow me to function in this world is to learn compassion. It seems like an abstract concept to me , though. I'm currently going to a counselor and she is not taking too well to me. I figure if even the psychiatric professionals can't stand me then I'm at rock bottom. How does one learn compassion/love?

Save up, take a trip to the himalayas, and learn enlightenment from Buddhist monks. Not even kidding.
11:27 AM on 05/02/13 
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drat!
How much cheese is too much cheese?
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Male - 28 Years Old
Save up, take a trip to the himalayas, and learn enlightenment from Buddhist monks. Not even kidding.

Read the book American Shaolin, then do this.
11:38 AM on 05/02/13 
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seymourbuttes
I'd do anything for a free t-shirt
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Seattle
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Read the book American Shaolin, then do this.

I did this without reading a book. Works either way.
11:43 AM on 05/02/13 
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drat!
How much cheese is too much cheese?
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I did this without reading a book. Works either way.

I figured it would motivate him a little.
01:29 PM on 05/02/13 
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seymourbuttes
I'd do anything for a free t-shirt
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Seattle
Male - 23 Years Old
I figured it would motivate him a little.

The way I see it, this is something that needs to be done your own way. Reading a book and then doing it would lead to some sort of stigma. If it's the situation dictates finding your own way, my advice would be to do nothing, but doing it.
01:47 PM on 05/02/13 
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Portugal4142
@BrandonMir
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Male - 28 Years Old
I figured it would motivate him a little.

The way I see it, this is something that needs to be done your own way. Reading a book and then doing it would lead to some sort of stigma. If it's the situation dictates finding your own way, my advice would be to do nothing, but doing it.

Well I'm sure as hell not traveling to bumble-fuck but thanks for the book recommendation.. seems like an interesting book, just ordered it.
02:03 PM on 05/02/13 
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gfxtwin
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Male - 29 Years Old
Honestly, I would be so content living in a cabin in the mountains, be them in Colorado, Iceland, Scotland, the Himalayas, etc. by myself. Every day I have new regrets and the feeling of being free of all that would be so relieving and liberating. As long as I have a way to listen to music and occasionally access internet to keep in touch with friends and family it would be the perfect life for me. I wonder how one would arrange living in a place like that. Seems like a place off the grid like that would be hard to find info about on the internet.
02:50 PM on 05/02/13 
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dash64
This Is My Design
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San Antonio, TX
Male - 24 Years Old
Honestly, I would be so content living in a cabin in the mountains, be them in Colorado, Iceland, Scotland, the Himalayas, etc. by myself. Every day I have new regrets and the feeling of being free of all that would be so relieving and liberating. As long as I have a way to listen to music and occasionally access internet to keep in touch with friends and family it would be the perfect life for me. I wonder how one would arrange living in a place like that. Seems like a place off the grid like that would be hard to find info about on the internet.
What do your friends and family say about your situation? Or if they notice how you've been acting?
03:37 PM on 05/02/13 
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drat!
How much cheese is too much cheese?
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Male - 28 Years Old
Honestly, I would be so content living in a cabin in the mountains, be them in Colorado, Iceland, Scotland, the Himalayas, etc. by myself. Every day I have new regrets and the feeling of being free of all that would be so relieving and liberating. As long as I have a way to listen to music and occasionally access internet to keep in touch with friends and family it would be the perfect life for me. I wonder how one would arrange living in a place like that. Seems like a place off the grid like that would be hard to find info about on the internet.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Proenneke

Dude went into the wilderness, built a cabin, and lived there for 30 years by himself. Crazy.
01:21 AM on 05/03/13 
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gfxtwin
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Male - 29 Years Old
What do your friends and family say about your situation? Or if they notice how you've been acting?

Lost some acquaintences and potential friends. One friend doesn't want to hang out anymore because I'm too depressing. Another doesn't even contact me via facebook anymore after I sent her a long message asking if she knew any therapists who are professional and could tolerate a "dark side". In retrospect that probably came off as more sinister than intended.

Family are upset. My aunts have less support for me because they feel like I've given up on life. My grandparents, whom I live with, are stressed out all the time because I stay in my room for days at a time. Other cousins and uncles have tried reaching out to me since my dad passed away in April, which is nice. Most of them live far away though.

There is some good to go with the bad. My best friend from middle school is helping connect me to a publisher to create a comic that we're working on together. The professor who didn't like me at first is starting to realize that I'm not a complete demon and is showing her good side.
01:23 AM on 05/03/13 
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gfxtwin
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Male - 29 Years Old
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Proenneke

Dude went into the wilderness, built a cabin, and lived there for 30 years by himself. Crazy.

Yeah...I don't want to build the motherfucker, I just want to buy one, lol. I can dream.

Anyone see that new Tom Cruise movie, Oblivion? When you see the scenes of the cabin in the valley you will feel the pure, unfiltered want of living in a cabin at the foot of a mountain.
01:50 AM on 05/03/13 
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dash64
This Is My Design
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San Antonio, TX
Male - 24 Years Old
Lost some acquaintences and potential friends. One friend doesn't want to hang out anymore because I'm too depressing. Another doesn't even contact me via facebook anymore after I sent her a long message asking if she knew any therapists who are professional and could tolerate a "dark side". In retrospect that probably came off as more sinister than intended.

Family are upset. My aunts have less support for me because they feel like I've given up on life. My grandparents, whom I live with, are stressed out all the time because I stay in my room for days at a time. Other cousins and uncles have tried reaching out to me since my dad passed away in April, which is nice. Most of them live far away though.

There is some good to go with the bad. My best friend from middle school is helping connect me to a publisher to create a comic that we're working on together. The professor who didn't like me at first is starting to realize that I'm not a complete demon and is showing her good side.
Publishing a comic sounds like something worthwhile to strive towards. Also, what is making your professor show you her good side? Is there a certain way you compose yourself around her that is making her realize she was wrong about you? If the way you're acting around her is having a positive effect on her personality, why not act that way around your friends and family?



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