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06:01 PM on 02/14/14
#1
haikit
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Hi Jamie and TWLOHA staff,
thanks for having this chat, even year after year. means a lot.

the first time you did, i met some lovely people that helped me immensely to stay alive for the subsequent year or two of my life, and i'm not sure i would have made it without that. (we were the ones in the comments of your postsecret blog post. i hope you have an archive of that saved, it'd be sad if such beauty got lost forever.)

i hope you're all well, tonight. and with loved ones, whoever those people may be, however far they may be.
06:17 PM on 02/14/14
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I probably sound like a broken record occasionally positing about this, but here it goes. I suffer from clinical depression and social anxiety. Alongside this, I also have no friends. Basically, I'm lost. I have no idea what to do with life, and the loneliness doesn't help either. All I'm interested in is music, ha. I'm probably sounding a little like a whiny dude here, but my town isn't that great, either.

I've received 'help' in the past in terms of therapy. I'm currently on antidepressants. It's just hard, ya'know? I struggle to get through the days. Recently, I self harmed again for the first time in a while. Sorry, I just like to vent my frustrations. I'm kinda crying right now as I type all of this. Anyway, I want to thank you guys for being there for others, and inspiring people. You've probably so many lives, and that's something to be seriously proud of. Keep being you guys, and doing what y'all do.

Luke.
I relate to all of this so much.

My antidepressants worked for a while, but lately it's been questionable - just today my psychiatrist and I decided to switch me to a different one. But I don't know what I'm doing with anything, anymore. My motivation to keep fighting has gotten ridiculously low, and it's just really... sad. I feel disconnected from other people, society, everything.
06:22 PM on 02/14/14
#3
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danisaurous - i love your tattoo. that's beautiful, i've wanted something on my wrist in white like that for the longest time. :)
06:31 PM on 02/14/14
#4
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Hey haikit,

Thanks so much for joining us today and sharing how you are feeling! It's a big deal to allow people to hear what you are thinking and how you feel. And it takes so much strength to admit when things aren't working. Changes aren't bad, but sometimes they take a while. Here is a blog that a past intern wrote about being in that same situation, but how reaching out to those around us can be the most uplifting action we can take: http://twloha.com/blog/You-Deserve-More-Than-Getting-By

Know that you are not alone and we love you!
thanks, christina. i read jamie's old Valentine's day post a little bit ago and then the one you linked to brightened things up a bit as well.

i've been reaching out to other people so much lately, and only very few times has it proven at all worthwhile, sadly. it's incredibly lonely to exist, these days, even (and sometimes especially) in crowded rooms.

i leaned on one person so much, a year ago, and he left without warning in april, even though we knew it wouldn't be able to last, and that has been continuously destroying me since, even though i feel like i've gotten past it, and i've tried not to let it. it's hurting again tonight, especially. the sad part is that this holiday last year wasn't much better than tonight.
06:35 PM on 02/14/14
#5
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Hey I'm Megan. I know things seem dark right now cause I've been there. I understand all of it and I just want you to know that it is SOO incredibly worth it to keep fighting. I've been out of that dark place for a few years now and it gets so much better. You are stronger than anything and everything that is dragging you down. When you reach the other side of this you will realize just how strong you were the whole time and just how amazing it feels to be alive. Keep fighting and I promise it'll be worth it!

Thanks, your encouragement means a lot. i was near giving up about a week ago, and the past few days have been unbearable again. Part of me is tempted to take a leave of absence from my university for this semester, to get back on track, but breaks have never helped before and i can't see myself getting better anywhere else, either... Guess i'll keep trudging along. or something.
06:40 PM on 02/14/14
#6
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I'm really glad I saw this on facebook. This year is a rough one for me. This time last year I was with who I thought was my soulmate. We went through a bad patch (miscarriage) and our relationship didn't survive. I never knew how hard today would be.
I can't say that I know how that situation feels, but I do think I know how you feel, because I lost someone like that a few months after this time last year, as well.

*hugs of understanding*

I'm sorry. This day is hard for so many of us.
06:48 PM on 02/14/14
#7
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so i am within five months of graduating high school and having to start the next chapter of my life. i've applied to two universities and have been accepted (conditionally) to both. however, the last few months of school i have fallen into a depressive state (that i recently admitted to my mom, and im in therapy and medication now). schoolwork started slipping by way too quickly and i started slipping gradewise in a course i usually excel at. I came out of the class with a 56 percent and I feel so insanely disappointed with myself and i am scared to tell my mother my grade because she will be disappointed also. i'm also nervous that the universities will take back my acceptance and i don't know what i will do if that happens. everything slipped out of my control and i feel so distraught and apprehensive about the future and recently i just cant see myself in it anymore. does anyone have any encouraging words they could share?
i know so well how that feels. first off, don't panic. it's rare that universities rescind their acceptances because of bad grades, and while it is a bit concerning, your acceptance shouldn't be your biggest cause of stress right now. i sincerely hope you can try to hold that aside (you got in already, you put in the work of applying, and you did it! you earned it.) as you work on getting better.
i, too, took the risk of admitting my issues to my parents in my senior year of high school, and to be honest, my mom's biggest concern of sending me off to college was whether i'd be able to handle it emotionally. but now, i'm here, and i have a counselor and a psychiatrist that i see regularly, and it's been incredibly rough for a variety of other reasons, but... you will get there, i am sure of it. i have no doubt that you are in your own future, likely college, but whether it is college or anything else, you will succeed if you keep trying. i'm really proud of you for getting the help you needed - it was a terrifying step for me, too.
hang in there, though.
you'll be okay.
i don't know how, i don't know when, but you will.
06:56 PM on 02/14/14
#8
haikit
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Hey haikit,

Even though people may not discuss it all that often, all of us have had moments where it seems we could be in a crowded room of people, yet no one can hear us. That definitely doesn't mean you are alone though. We would continue to encourage you to explore new communities or reach out to new people. Whether that is a trusted mentor or friend, or joining a group that you have always been interested in - making that first move is so brave and can be the most worthwhile move at times. Especially if you can tell that something won't last or is unhealthy for you, the best you can do to take care of yourself is let that situation go as soon as possible. That's not to say their won't be feelings of loss or pain, but if that's how you need to take care of yourself best then we would encourage you to do so. We also can't allow things to define us. Not situations, people or past experiences. You have a right to feel loss at someone that you were leaning on left you, but in it turn gives you a chance to allow others into your life. Here is another blog about living in community. Even if loving yourself better means making a change that seems scary, if it leads to a healthier you, surround yourself with those who can help you make that change.

The best thing about some days, is that we never need to live some days over again. So even though this day seems to hurt in a similar way to the last one, it isn't the same day and things will change. It may just take time.

Thank you so much. i've been trying to reach out, and it's made me impatient, at this point, i guess. There are so many communities i have tried to be a part of, but i've become more of a wanderer between them, instead. Perhaps a lot of that is in my mind, but i can't seem to feel close to anyone again. i've spent my life longing for a best friend - to anyone who has one person that has stuck with them for a long time, i beg you to be grateful, even though i'm sure you are already. i don't know.

Time is a difficult thing to leave alone, and let it do its thing.
06:59 PM on 02/14/14
#9
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Thank you Haikit. Do you keep waiting for him to come back? I keep thinking he's going to show up with some grand gesture - which is probably why today is so hard, because of course it didnt happen.
i hate to say it, but i do. i wish he would. i've still talked to him here and there - we're in the same university - and we tried to hang out a couple times, because he's supposedly still interested in being friends, but... i really wish he could change, and actually be committed to a relationship. i can't help but count on that happening someday. and if i don't count on that, i wonder whether i could find such a connection with anyone else ever again.
07:03 PM on 02/14/14
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We see that you are thinking about taking a leave of absence from your university for the semester. It is great to see that you are looking at your options in terms of what is best for you. We know several college students who took half a year to a year break to work, travel, or just be closer to home when they needed it the most. At the time, these students were slightly stressed about what they would miss or the friends that would pass them by in graduation, but later they said that year saved their life, and that the time to themselves was worth it. It is mature of you to consider what you need at this moment, and that you are recognizing that breaks have not always worked for you in the past. If this is the case, and you need to stay in your current environment, we would encourage you to look to see if your college campus offers free counseling services, as some do. Our supporters have told us that just by speaking to a professional once or twice a week helped immensely. If you are having a day that is particularly heavy, please do not hesitate to reach out and tell a friend, call a hotline, or seek treatment; our Find Help page has some resources listed. We love that you chose to fight these past few days that you said were hard, that you woke up every morning and decided to say "yes" to what the day had to bring. Continue to stay strong and to keep fighting, because you are important. Thank you for being here on this forum :)
Thank you. i've definitely taken advantage of counseling and psychiatric services, they've helped a lot. It does add to the stress of my weekly schedule to have time for it in such a busy place, but i try. i did have a day that was particularly heavy - dangerous, even - and reached out to a friend that came over and stayed with me until she was sure i wouldn't hurt myself. It's so hard to keep fighting that i don't know why i do, but i don't know what else i could.
07:07 PM on 02/14/14
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I have a question for Jamie or anyone else that's been in counseling - how do you reconcile the fact that a counselor is someone who basically gets paid to listen to you vent about life? What about friends?

I had a counselor before (that I can no longer go to due to a change in location) that I felt I was almost close friends with, because (against common advice, apparently?) he let me into his life a little as I let him deeper into mine. I've tried to keep up contact a little here and there, because he did make a great shoulder to lean on, but he's too busy with his own life, and other clients, and so on. So it feels like because I'm not paying him anymore, I'm not as worth his time.

Do counselors really care? Why do I spill all of my thoughts out in that room anyway? I find myself struggling with this question all the time, lately.
07:08 PM on 02/14/14
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Sigh. I am feeling very dark and empty tonight.
I know that feeling all too well.

*hugs*
07:14 PM on 02/14/14
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Yeah i understand. I know that it's not going to happen and that i need to stop thinking that it will, but for some reason, everytime flowers got delivered today at work i thought "what if they're from him, telling me how sorry he is, and how he doesnt want to not have me in his life?"

Exactly my thought process too. i wish it would happen. Flowers, even from anyone. i've never gotten them and that's such a lonely thought. i started wondering, that maybe if i pretend, build another world in my mind, and escape to it... but that isn't much of a solution, because in the end, i know i'm still by myself.
07:14 PM on 02/14/14
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Hi Haikit, I sent you a message and I'm here if you want to chat more
i don't see your message? :( thanks though.
07:18 PM on 02/14/14
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Thank you, Ty. It's difficult because I've been physically alone almost all day today.

It's difficult because it should have been a time of recharge (I'm extremely introverted) yet wasn't.

I'm not sure what would help at this point. I just want to know everything is going to be okay, that I won't always deal with this chronic emptiness...that my mental illness won't always interfere with life, that I'll be able to help people in my someday and be able to tell them things do get better...my recovery has been so rocky the last year or so, hospitalizations, instability, unemployment...I don't know what to do. :(

The last part of your post is exactly what i'm looking for. i wish that i knew things would be better. i wish i had a reason to believe things would be okay again.

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